He totally cut me off just before he moved away... why?

[KateMc]

I know this is so long, and I'm really sorry! But I feel like it's all important information to understand the situation...

I recently had my first ‘relationship’ experience, and I really need some help trying to figure out what happened and how I can get over it.
I am 20 and live in college. When I was growing up my parents had a terrible marriage and my dad was abusive. I never had crushes on boys when I was at school or liked anyone ever. I thought I couldn’t have those feelings because of my parents. I tried to date guys but it never worked because I had no feelings for them at all.

I moved out of home this year and met a guy in my college who I fell for back in May. We had no mutual friends and I wanted to get to know him better but the opportunity never came up. I was also scared because I had never experienced this before. I really, really liked him.

A month before the year ended we got together just by pure chance. We had been to a party and he came back to my block just randomly and we ended up kissing. I told him that I had really liked him for a long time and I didn’t want to just have sex when we were drunk and then not speak again. He said that was fine and could he just stay over but nothing had to happen. The next morning he still seemed really happy and he went to have a shower and stuff and then came straight back, and we lay in bed and talked and kissed for a few hours. He seemed really keen basically. He came over later that day to visit, and then that night too. He stayed over that night again but we just slept because we were exhausted from uni work and stuff.

The next day he was texting me and came over and then he spent a few hours with me helping me with my assignment. When he went to leave he seemed a bit funny, and then he came back and said that he ‘didn’t know how to act around me, because he was moving away soon’. He comes from a city pretty far away and he was finishing his degree and moving back there (for good) at the end of the year. He said that he really wished we had met earlier in the year and it really sucked basically. I said that couldn’t we just forget he was moving and enjoy the time we had. He was happy with that and went back to normal.

Over the next 3 weeks he came and saw me every day, and stayed over most nights. We hung out heaps and went to the movies and started having sex after 2 weeks. He was totally normal except a few times he mentioned that he wished he wasn’t leaving, and he wished we had met earlier. One time I said ‘let’s not think about it’ and he said ‘yeah but it’s going to happen’. I also think he maybe was trying to not have sex with me, but couldn’t stop himself in the moment. Because he would never bring a condom with him (the first time he had to go get one then after that I made sure I had some in my room). It was like he wasn’t planning on having sex but it just always ended up happening. He would always sleep over and we’d cuddle and he would stay in the morning and we would talk for hours. It definitely wasn’t just about sex.

Then 1 week before he left he started acting so weirdly. It started when we were watching a movie together at my place. He said he was starving and was going back to his to get some dinner and would come straight back. He didn’t come back for 3 hours. I eventually texted him and he said he was with one of his friends who was upset. I just replied saying that’s fine, just let me know next time so I’m not waiting. The after that he never initiated any contact with me. I went and saw him and stayed over the next night, and he was really distant and didn’t even kiss me. The next day I asked him about it and he was really vague and just said something like ‘he wanted to spend time with his friends before he left, and it wasn’t me, it was him, and I was lovely and he was just confused... that he hadn’t spent this much time with someone before...’ So that wasn’t much help.

The next day was an event and we were both there, and he ignored me the whole day. Everyone was drinking and by the evening I got really mad because he was being so horrible. I went and found him after that, he was asleep in bed and very drunk, and I was pretty drunk too.

We ended up having a big talk/fight. Basically he said he never let himself get close to anyone, because relationships never worked out and you always just get hurt. He said love didn’t really exist and it was just lust. He said that his parents had been really messed up (which it sounded like they were) and he was going on about all the people he knows relationships and how they were all fake/ended badly. He said that he hadn’t been in a proper relationship and he couldn’t be and he was just going to die alone but he was fine with that... he said that it was really hard for him to let things go as far as they did with us, when he knew he was leaving. He said what was the point of something if it was just going to end. I replied with ‘well, what is the point of life if you’re just going to die?’ and he responded ‘exactly’.

I said that I didn’t expect a relationship from him, all I wanted was a really nice, fun month together, and then to just stay on good terms, maybe email occasionally, meet up if he was in my city, that was it. I just thought it would be a really nice month that never got ruined and would always be a nice memory. I got mad at him when he was saying he couldn’t open himself up to anyone because of his parents. I said that my family was the same, and you can’t blame your parents your whole life, you need to get over it and stop being a victim. I was pretty harsh because I was mad and drunk and he got pretty annoyed. I still think I am right though.

We went on for a long time, and he said that he had turned off his feelings for me, because that way he wouldn’t get hurt. He said he was heartless.
I ended up lying down on the bed with him because I was so exhausted. He said I could lie down but ‘nothing could happen between us...’ then when I was lying in bed he said that he ‘spent the last minute trying not to kiss me’. He asked me what had happened with my family. I said I didn’t want to talk about it because I was over it. He then said if we talked about when we were kids that would be doing the exact opposite of what he wanted because it would make us closer. He would kind of hold me then pull away. Then we fell asleep and he would kind of hold me while he was sleeping then half wake up and turn away, then hold me again... it was like he was fighting with himself.

A couple of hours later he woke up, got out of bed and didn’t come back. I waited about 30-45 minutes, I could hear him outside with his friends, but I couldn’t bring myself to go out there and face all of them, and I didn’t want to wait for hours, so I left out the fire door.

The next day I texted him, apologising and asking to see him. He never replied. The day after I texted again, just saying that I wanted to see him, but I thought he probably wanted to spend his last day with his friends, and I hoped he would come and say bye before he left. The next day he was leaving and I just lost it because i was so upset and scared he would leave without saying goodbye. I was crying to my friends for a couple of hours, and I eventually went and found him because I couldn’t handle not saying goodbye. He was about to leave and was really cold to me. He walked away when he saw me coming and kept me waiting. Then he was just like ‘see ya’ and gave me a really reluctant hug. He said he was sorry for not replying to my texts but he just ‘didn’t see the point in keeping it going’. I said that it at least would have been polite if he had. He just kind of shrugged and walked away and that was it. I walked off and as soon as I got around the corner I was hysterical and spent the next few hours crying to my friends.

He has gone home now, and I haven’t heard from him since. I spent the first 2 weeks crying every day. I just can’t believe things ended the way they did. I want to be angry with him, but I’m not, I just want to be with him still. I wanted to contact him so badly at first, i wrote a lot of emails, but didn’t send them. I just don’t understand why he freaked out SO much. Like, how hard is it to be nice to someone for a week and then leave, even if he had cut off contact after he had left, to make it easier, that would have made sense. I don’t understand why he totally just changed and became this horrible, heartless person after being so nice. I feel like I will never feel like this about someone else again. I know everyone thinks that, but it’s so hard because I have NEVER had feelings remotely like this in my whole life and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I don’t know how to get over this. It’s been 2 and a half weeks since I last saw him, and I feel like I should be getting over it, since it was so short. But I’m definitely not over it. I dream about him every night and just think about him all the time. I keep hoping he will move back and something will happen. But even if he did move back i don’t know how he would be, or if I could forgive him. I just don’t understand why he acted the way he did. It would be so much better if we were still on good terms and could talk to each other. I feel like we are just strangers and it’s like nothing ever happened. I think that’s what he is trying to pretend but that hurts so much, because it meant a lot to me and I don’t know how he can just act like it never happened.

[Noslen09]

If I were him, I'd possibly be doing the same thing for one reason only: cut you off before things got too far into the relationship.

It might hurt to have lost something so early on, but it would hurt much more to be so attached and lose everything in the end.

Would you be satisfied just being friends and nothing more from this point on? I wouldn't be satisfied with that if I were you, so it may not be a bad thing that he just cut it loose completely.

Just smile and think positive. Tomorrow is a new day to bring new opportunities.

[steviej]

I have to agree, although you seem to think that you could spend the last few weeks being close but not getting attached, that isn't what would have happened.
He knew this and tried to keep a bit of distance. As it stands you're upset and angry at him. If he hadn't have done that you'd now be feeling like you could die from a broken heart.

It sucks, but you will come to see it differently in time.

[KateMc]

Hmm interesting opinions, thanks I guess I haven't thought about it like that. Though he only cut things off one week before he moved away- I don't see how we would have got THAT much closer in only one week, and if things had stayed the same in that week then everything would have ended nicely.

It does make sense sort of- but I still think he went about it in the complete wrong way. Instead of sitting down with me and saying straight 'I really like you, so much infact that I need to end this now before it goes any further and we both get hurt' he messed me around and wasn't clear and just ignored me. I suppose that just shows he is quite immature and cowardly.

[steviej]

He's a bloke!

He'll have had conflicting emotions, unsure himself what to do and ended up just ignoring you because it was easier to do that and go get drunk with his friends than to have a sit down discussion about things.
Definitely showing his immaturity, but i don't think his intent was to hurt you, the opposite in fact. He just didn't go about it very well.

[bulrush]

1. You've never had a boyfriend and you're 20? Seriously? Have you had one-night stands (sex)? How about just snogging someone you just met?

2. The first breakups are the hardest. They hit you pretty bad.

3. It's very hard having a relationship with someone who is far away. A relationship needs a certain amount of face to face contact, hugging, talking, and sex for it to last. He knew it wouldn't last, you two being far apart, so he quit it. Sounds like he also has intimacy issues, possibly.

4. He already said it's not you, it's him. He knows he can't do an LDR (Long Distance Relationship). So, being mean to you in the end was his way of trying to push you away to make a breakup easier.

5. Try to forget him. Try to find someone new and who will be close to you the next 2-3 years. I think you might like someone physically closer.

[KateMc]

1. You've never had a boyfriend and you're 20? Seriously? Have you had one-night stands (sex)? How about just snogging someone you just met?

2. The first breakups are the hardest. They hit you pretty bad.

3. It's very hard having a relationship with someone who is far away. A relationship needs a certain amount of face to face contact, hugging, talking, and sex for it to last. He knew it wouldn't last, you two being far apart, so he quit it. Sounds like he also has intimacy issues, possibly.

4. He already said it's not you, it's him. He knows he can't do an LDR (Long Distance Relationship). So, being mean to you in the end was his way of trying to push you away to make a breakup easier.

5. Try to forget him. Try to find someone new and who will be close to you the next 2-3 years. I think you might like someone physically closer.

Thanks for the advice In response to your first question... yes I am 20 and I have never had a boyfriend. I'm not happy about it. I never, ever have had feelings toward anyone before this guy... that made it pretty hard to have a boyfriend. I tried dating people but I just couldn't do it because I didn't like them! I have had one night stands and I have kissed a looot of guys. I felt I needed to keep up with my friends when I was younger, at least with the 'physical' side of things. I never actually enjoyed any of that before I met this guy. It is so much better when you actually like the person!

The rest of what you said makes sense and is good advice so thanks But I didn't expect or want a long distance relationship, at all. And I told him that. I just wanted it to end nicely- with him having to go instead of pushing me away- and still be on good terms... so we could meet up when he came to my city and we could at least acknowlege the fact that the other person exists. He is acting like we never even met and it's just hard because I didn't do anything to deserve that.

[KateMc]

He's a bloke!

He'll have had conflicting emotions, unsure himself what to do and ended up just ignoring you because it was easier to do that and go get drunk with his friends than to have a sit down discussion about things.
Definitely showing his immaturity, but i don't think his intent was to hurt you, the opposite in fact. He just didn't go about it very well.

Ha this makes perfect sense... I'm not happy about what happened but at least I know I didn't do anything wrong and it was just his (not so good) way of dealing with the situation. Thanks