Rebound or moved on?

[LittleObelia]

Hi, so this is quite a complicated story and I hope you'll stay with me while I tell you.

So my ex and I broke up about two months ago. We had previously been going out six months. My ex was very keen on me from the beginning and said he was attracted to me for the first moment and that was very rare for him. He immediately slipped into the boyfriend role and wanted to do things for me, make me dinner, take me out to things. This kind of freaked me out a bit as I was pretty inexperienced at relationships, and because of this and other things that made me unhappy (in the relationship and within myself) after about two months I told him that I was moving back to my home town so we would have to break up. He asked me if I wanted to keep seeing one another until then, and also asked if I wanted to do a long-distance thing. Because I was so confused and unsure I quickly dismissed both his ideas and we broke up. After about two weeks he called me and said he missed me, and because I missed him too we got back together. The whole time though I was very clear that this was just a casual thing and that I was still moving away. Anyway so we continued seeing one another and things got reasonably serious, he would call me his girlfriend, and we would see each other usually four times a week. I then told him I loved him, and he said that he adored me but didn't love me yet, and probably couldn't because I was moving away. He said that he had had to put a hold on his feelings when I said I was leaving in order not to get hurt. And yet he said he adored me and every little thing he did made me feel like he loved me. I was never really sure about our relationship when we were together, and I know now that I told him I loved him because I wanted to be in love, not because I was. Even though I enjoyed hanging out with him, there were many things about him that didn't fit into my ideal criteria, and after having been alone for seven years previously, to me this criteria was everything, it was all I knew. He wasn't a very secure guy at all, and because I was unhappy I took a lot of it out on him asking why he did this or didn't do that, and I cried on a few occasions too. I tried to break up with him again at one stage but he said he would try better and we got back together. He would have been able to tell that I wasn't happy. But this is the thing about him, I never really knew what he was feeling because he is not open at all about his emotions and would never volunteer any information about how he was feeling. He wasn't a big talker at all. I guess his way was showing not telling, because he was very caring toward me, he stared at me all the time smiling, he went out of his way to do things for me and be there for me.

Anyway the date of my departure was quickly looming and I was still completely prepared to go back to my hometown. However then my friends and family started coming to me and telling me that I was throwing away a great guy and why didn't I reconsider. So then I went to him and said I was thinking of staying and would he still want to see me if i did? And he didn't seem happy at all. I basically told him I would be staying for him. And he was very distressed and said that he didn't know if he could give me what I needed and that even though he felt very deeply for me, he didn't know now if his feelings would be able to develop. So anyway we broke up, both of us crying together.

After this I decided on my own that I actually really loved my new life in this new city and that I didn't want to move home. I decided to stay despite him. However I was missing home so decided to go back anyway for two months over xmas. I told him this when saying goodbye (he had offered to drive me to the airport) and he seemed pleased that I was staying but said that two months was a long time. I left.

Back in my hometown I tried to keep in contact with him because I wanted to be friends. And after a while I was hoping that after two months being apart we might be able to see things more clearly and get back together, because by now I could really see that I had been awful to him and that I truly wanted to be with him to get to know him better. I at last appreciated him for him. Anyway I try to contact him but whenever he wrote back it seemed really forced and polite, and our phone conversation (only once) was a bit strange, as we were able to talk really easily, but he also sounded distracted. He only contacted me twice at the beginning of my departure.

Anyway so my plan in my hometown was to give us both a lot of space, and also to let him know that I wasn't coming back for him and that i had moved on to some degree, so he didn't feel any pressure. So I started putting pictures of me on facebook hanging out with lots of people, looking really happy and gorgeous. I started befriending all these guys on facebook, and i even made up a pretend guy friend who wrote on my wall about things were were going to do together, and whenever we emailed I told him I was having a fab time at home.

Anyway so I'm due to go back now in two weeks (decided not to stay for two months) and I go on facebook one day and look at his profile and he's put up that he's now in a relationship with another girl, and I look back to when they became friends and it was two weeks after we broke up. I call him and say that I thought we were friends and that I trusted him and why didn't he tell me he was seeing someone instead of putting it up on facebook which really hurt me. I said that I knew it had been going on for ages, and he didn't deny it. I then said I didn't want to be friends with him any more and I hope he is really happy with this new girl (this whole conversation I was really calm and unemotional) and goodbye, and he said bye in a shaky shocked voice and didn't hang up the phone so I hung up.

And that's where we're at now. I defriended him from facebook so I have no idea what he's doing. All I know is that i changed my profile picture to a really pretty one of me, and the next day he changed his to a really good one of him.

I've been trying for six weeks to get over him and I have rationalised the whole thing again and again telling myself that I wasn't happy with him and that I was going to find someone who fit my ideal criteria. But despite telling myself that for six weeks I still care about him and want to try again with him. Because we did have amazing times together, and I know now that I was projecting this unrealistic ideal onto him that he could never live up to, but also that I probably wouldn't have been happy with anyway, because I was not happy in myself. I feel like I made a big mistake with it all and that I drove him away. And i regret that, I regret it all.

What should i do? My brother and friends think he's in a rebound relationship with some girl who is making him feel very needed and attractive and secure. But maybe he had actually found someone whom he really clicks with. I guess it is possible he had found his soul mate two weeks after breaking up with me.

[red_sparrow]

no..
that's definitely a rebound.

i have the same problem as you: my BF doesn't fit my ideal criteria that i always wanted, and sometimes i think i'd be really happy without him. only, i fear losing a genuinely good person, which is why i haven't made the cut. and i know i'd actually be miserable, and I'd want to go back to him.. or i would compare other guys to him. i had a strict criteria; for example, one thing we differ in is we don't like the same music, and we don't read the same books. we both do different things. we have different ways of thinking and communicating. he's more out-going and practical and i'm absent-minded and thoughtful. there are just a lot of differences.there have been times--also--when i wanted to break up or when i was waiting to see how my feelings for him would turn out.

throughout it all i've managed to deal with my feelings and doubts; a lot of it is the fear that things are getting serious, and that this man--who is not your 'ideal' criteria-fitter--will turn into a serious mate. thats what it was for me, at least. we're at the 6 month mark now, and things about him still annoy me. but what i've decided to do is keep going. Just live... live my life and see what happens. Relationships are an on-going process.

as for this guy you are talking about (sorry about expounding on my life story), it DOES sound like he's in a rebound.. i don't know what to say. you obviously can't tell him anything; to find a soul mate two weeks after a break up is not logically impossible. it is, however, unlikely. you will get over these regrets and you'll find someone who meets your criteria a person shouldn't feel like they're settling.