Weary and at the end of my tether, should I stay or leave him?

[Beth]

I am in a situation right now that is killing me inside and I need to talk to someone about it. I don't know where to start.
I met my husband when I was a kid. We grew to become best friends. When I was 15 we stared going out with each other and a few months later I found out that he had been talking to girls online behind my back ever since day one of our relationship, it had probably carried on from before it, but the point was, he was still telling these girls he loved them. He was 18, they were around 14-16.
I said that to continue this relationship, he couldn't do it again. So, he said sorry and I gave him a chance.
The next time I caught him doing something behind my back was when we were on our computers on day, in the same room, and I stood up to walk past him when he quickly closed a screen of half-naked women. Hurt by what he had done on top of what he had done previously, I told him to leave, and a few days later I gave him another chance after he was begging me back, crying, telling me how sorry he was.
A year since we started going out, I found more things on his computer. This time it was a picture of a girl (14-16 years old) and conversations with this girl, where he used a different name. My husband and I had met online originally, so I knew that this person was my husband talking. He was showing off his (My husbands) talents and skills, asking for pictures of her naked, offering pictures of him naked in exchange, arranging to meet up, and telling her that he loved her.
This hurt me the most, on top of what he had done previously, I was furious. He claimed that this person was a hacker trying to impersonate him, but I could get into this "hacker"'s e-mail account using my husband's password, and found more evidence of him flirting with girls. He did his crying act again, got his parents on his side, and swore on his families life that it wasn't him.
I never believed him, but I tried to, and gave him another chance. 2 years later, after having the pain of what he had done niggle at me and niggle at me, I asked him to confess, and I think he only did because I said that I wouldn't bite his head off. He promised he would never do anything like it again.
He was right, he didn't flirt with any other person again as far as I was aware, but he did end up molesting me in my sleep one night, which I woke up to. I couldn't believe what was happening and that this person had the capacity to do this. He said he didn't know that I was asleep, and still says the same thing. He can say it all he likes, because from everything that has happened, it now goes in one ear and out the other.
Recently, I found searches for sex scenes of a teenage tv program on his phone, and that was the final straw. He said he had a problem, that he felt like his youth was in a way taken away from him from getting with me at 15 instead of playing the field. He blames every action he has done to me on that.
I just feel like it's not good enough.
It's not a good enough explaination. He has joined a porn addiction forum and seeked help, but after having been through what I have with him, I don't even feel in love with him any more. I care for him in the way that if he died, I'd miss him, but that's a world away from where we were before the trust was broken. We were best friends, soulmates, and had so much in common. We still have the same amount of things in common, but it's like it just doesn't matter now. I feel like I've wasted the 5 years I have been with him, I married someone I had given a chance on in hope that he'd go back to being the person I thought I loved, but he didn't. I can't be in the same room with him any more without feeling intense hurt and anger towards him, as well as complete apathy. I'm empty now, and see opportunities to be happy elsewhere.
I need advice. I don't know if leaving him would be the right thing to do. Could this be the chance that he changes and then we both live happily ever after? I just can't make myself believe that will happen. I have no trust or belief in him. I don't know who he is anymore.

I also have another issue, which is the fact that all my friends and family are long distance, and the family that I have I have never got on with, so I don't really have anywhere to go. I am agoraphobic too, so going and living elsewhere would be an incredible struggle for me.
I guess some people could think "No wonder he acts like that, having to deal with an agoraphobic every single day" but I don't care, because he's wasted my time as much as I've wasted his, if that is the case.

Sorry it was a long post, and if you got this far then I really appreciate it!

[searock]

So how old are you two now? Sounds like he's an adult and is watching underage porn. I'm guessing it's a crime in your country as it is in mine? And he was molesting you in your sleep, come on. He has a problem. You should get out as soon as possible, don't waste any more time on this unhealthy relationship. I know it sounds really difficult right now, but believe me you'll feel incredibly better once you won't be forced to be close to him anymore.

[IndiReloaded]

Not my usual response, but: get some counselling. And yes, your husband sounds like a creep. But deal with your own issues first. And please, please don't have a kid with this guy. I'd be very worried you might have a molester in him. Use birth control.

[Beth]

I'm 20, he's 23. I am sure he hasn't looked at underage stuff but seeing as he asked a 14-16 year old girl for an explicit photo, even though she didn't give it and he was 18, I'm sure that's pretty bad as well!! It is illegal in my country yes thank god. The most recent things he has looked at online have been 18-20 year olds. I know the fact that he molested me in my sleep is a problem but I don't have it in me to report it, I almost feel like I need to protect him, like I don't want his family to know what he did while I was asleep and I don't want them to know that he swore that he didn't do what he did on their lives (And, specifically his nephews life who was 5 at the time) because I know they would disown him for it. I don't know why I feel the need to protect him. Especially given what he has done to me.

I say to him that he can't roll back time, he should have dumped me early on in the relationship because I would have bloody well preferred it from what he has put me through, but he's finding it hard to balance what he wants between this relationship and his stupid "inner teenager" needs. I do not want to have a child with him, not while he is like this. I actually miscarried his baby recently which even though was awful, I now realise that that baby is in a far better place now than to be thrown into this mess.

And don't worry, the last thing I am thinking of right now is having sex with him..

I have a counselling appointment in 10 days so I am praying for it to help.

[Beth]

Thank you for that post udontknowmyname. It really helped me feel a little stronger which is certainly something I am not right now. Just to clarify he didn't do anything to his 5 year old nephew directly but he swore on his nephews life that he didnt do what he did with that girl what he later confessed to doing. Phew, mouthful.

I suppose I really do have to get out of this. It's hard to realise its a possible reality.

[Beth]

Nonono he did nothing to his nephew, he swore on his nephew and families lives that he wasn't the person who spoke to the girl on his computer. Don't worry, if he had done anything to him that would have been reported immediately! I know my husband is low but he isn't that low.

[Beth]

I really appreciate the effort you put into writing your post and it is so true, I will check that book out. Even though I say I don't love him, I must love him in a way to want to protect him, and as you said in your post, that isn't Healthy and I need to get out of that situation. I find it hard to tell myself that I will feel better when I've left him when the leaving is so hard to do in itself.