Hi I'm a newbie here and hope that you can help me identify why i do the things I do. It's going to be a long one!
I am 38 years old, on my second marriage with 2 children aged 13 and 9 from my first.
Up until I met my first husband, I was a normal 20 something with career ambitions and never short of a boyfriend. I met him when I was 23, saw him on and off for a year and then started dating him properly. He is 14 years older than me, was very flash, successful and charming. However, and what I didn't see/didn't choose to see was his controlling side. At 25 I got pregnant by accident and chose to keep the baby. At 12 weeks pregnant he kicked me out and I had to move home as I had rented my house out. My daughter was born, we saw him regularly and he doted on his daughter. Occasionally we would sleep together and he would continue to play mind games with me. Too cut a very long story short, we got back together when she was 2, resulting in me ending a relationship I was then in with a lovely guy the same age of me. A year or so later, my son was born and we got married.
In this time, he forced me to give up a promising career and we moved out to the country and bought our dream home. he had a very successful business and we lived the dream life. But to me it wasn't enough. Looking back i suppose I resented him forcing me to give up my career to wait on him hand and foot.
There were good times, but a majority of the time, he was cruel, humiliated me in front of my friends, controlled me and I wasn't allowed an evening out with friends and got constantly accused of having an affair. In the end I had no self confidence and was desperately unhappy.
Then 3 1/2 years ago, I started an affair with someone I had known for 10 years. He had a girlfriend, nothing serious and was the complete opposite to my husband. Penniless, the same age as me, sexy, fun and he swept me off my feet. I asked my husband for a divorce and as you can imagine, the 12 months that followed were fairly traumatic.
Anyway, I bought a house out of my divorce settlement and soon after my new BF proposed. I was sooooo happy and my kids adore him. I got back into the career I had left (becoming a successful Sales Director), a high salary, company car etc etc. My new BF then announced he had had enough of his job and had resigned. We were in the middle of a recession !!!!! He couldn't find work and i supported us all financially. On top of that, I discovered he had an addiction to watching porn. We went through a real rocky patch but got married 12 months ago. I had my doubts at the time, but I kept telling myself not to be so shallow and superficial and that this man really did adore me. (Which he does!)
He did find a new job and things are better financially, the sex is great and he is a lovely caring person. However, he is the complete opposite to me. I love nice clothes, shoes, holidays and take pride in my appearance. He does not. He is untidy, I am meticulous. The thing that bothers me most of all, and please feel free to have a go at me, is HIS TEETH. He didn't brush them. As a subtle hint, I bought him an electric toothbrush and made sure he heard me when I lectured the kids about looking after their teeth. He has very few molars left and has now broken a front tooth! he won't do anything about it and i feel embarrassed to go out with him. But I don't think this is the real root of my problem.
I am extremely career driven and motivated, I am in a male dominated industry and men both adore and respect me. i am well known in my field and i adore my job. I love the attention and I can get off on it if you know what I mean. I always seem to be looking for something better and have the desire to better myself. I don't go sleeping around but a good flirt can be good for business. I have analysed why I am this way and i have come to the conclusion that i am perhaps one of these people who will never be happy.
My main problem is communicating with my husband, he doesn't talk to me and i need to TALK! He doesn't understand my job or the pressures that go with it and sometimes I wish he would grow a pair of balls and act more like a man. i have to sort everything out at home from DIY to paying the bills. Biut I do love him, but probably more as a friend ?????? I'm not sure.
Now, and something after my first husband I vowed never to do again, I have/am about to get involved with someone I know through work. He is married (unhappily), is successful and runs a large company (albeit not his own), understands how I feel, shares the same passions as me, is kind and caring (possibly a bit needy but it is early days) and makes me laugh! He isn't a flashy dresser or doesn't drive a flashy car but he is a real man! He knows how to do DIY, look after things and take control of his life and actions.
Part of me is thinking, hell yeah, go for this and the other part of me is saying that I don't want to destroy 2 families. My kids are settled, and I have a great friendship now with my 1st husband. Why can't i settle for a man who doesn't share the same ambition as me, dresses untidily, doesn't look after himself but does adore me!
I am scared. If I leave yet another marriage (my parents will KILL me!) am i just going to be just as discontented (for different reasons) if I settle with this new man? I must have a massive psychological problem and it is worrying me. I am well educated and had a fantastic childhood but why do I have this desire to look for something better?
It would be great to have some neutral feedback rather than discussing it with my friends.
Thank you for taking the time to read this incredibly long post!