Can someone be perfect but just bad in a relationship?

[Inco]

So there's this girl.

She's younger than I am - still in high school whereas I'm just now entering college. I met her in July of last year and she completely changed my life. Almost everything about her is perfect: her smile, her laugh, her voice, her figure, her sense of humor, her intelligence, her ability to hold a conversation, our common interests, her openness, her smell. Ugh, I could go on and on. She's essentially my dream girl. After getting to know her, I realized that I couldn't just be friends with her and that she liked me, so I asked her out. We dated for four incredible months, but then issues started being brought to my attention by some friends my age - mainly how immature she acted in a relationship. I became more attuned to those issues, and I realized how bad they were so I broke up with her. We're still the best of friends and she still really likes me and...who am I kidding, I still really like her but I'm about to go to college and the last thing I need is someone still in high school to tie me down, especially if I don't like how she conducts herself in a relationship. The issue here is that I'm a really jealous person. I can't stand the thought of anyone else being with her because of my inability to keep her. I'm terrified of losing someone who I connect so well with.

This being said, my question is this: if you're completely attracted to someone physically and emotionally but you know that they're not quite mature enough to hold a sensible relationship, is that a deal-breaker? Granted I wouldn't make a move until about a year from now so that I can get adjusted to college life, and she's still in high school so who knows how much she'll change in the coming year...ugh. Sorry for the long post, this has been on my mind for so long that I just need some unbiased opinions. Thanks a lot!

[VincenzoG91]

Nobody is perfect. Of course she is acting immature, she's still a teenager. She might become a better person within the next few years, and maybe you two will get back together then. In the meantime, you should be looking forward to dating college women. You may gain some perspective by dating a variety of women, and might even meet somebody who is more compatible with you.

[Cerulean.]

I don't get it. You're not sharing much information on WHY she's not quite mature enough. What are her actions that prove that? And I'm confused because you say she's the perfect girl but after hearing from her friends about how she acted in her last relationship, you started to back away, making it sound like that was the issue. Then you point out "The issue here is that I'm a really jealous person. I can't stand the thought of anyone else being with her because of my inability to keep her. I'm terrified of losing someone who I connect so well with." You either like her or you don't. The fact you broke up with her tells us otherwise. You can't plan a year in advance that you're going to get back together with her, you can kiss that relationship goodbye. She'll most likely develop a crush whilst in HS with someone new and probably so will you in college. Your feelings for one another will change dramatically especially if spent apart and the fact that you both are so young and have a lot to experience. I see this as a lost cause.

[Inco]

When we were together, she essentially guilted me into calling her every night. I mean, I love talking to her but I'd be on the computer just playing a game or something and suddenly, "Hey, can I call you? " "Can it wait? I'm playing a game." "Oh. So computer games are more important." "Well...no...I mean...okay, fine." And then we'd talk for so long that eventually I'd just go straight to bed when I hung up.

I don't have a job and as a result I have very little disposable income, but she never offered to help out with money on our dates. I drove her everywhere, paid for meals, concert tickets, movie tickets, and I know that's a normal thing but it's hard when she expects so much and you have to say 'no' so often and she rarely thanks you for your trouble.

She had a nasty habit of rejecting gifts. Granted, they were all legitimate reasons (she already had one, she doesn't like that flavor, etc.), but it just hurt that I would get something specifically for her and she'd just say no. Not even take it and throw it away, but straight up refuse it.

She was one of those girlfriends who constantly expected a sort of etiquette. If we went to a restaurant with friends, I had to sit next to her. If we were in public, I had to give her my attention and hold her hand and stay by her side. If she went in for a kiss or hug, even while I was in the middle of a conversation, I had to return it.

I had a really busy schedule this year, and as a result I couldn't spend a whole lot of time outside of school with her. She understood, but she still pestered me about it and kept reminding me how busy I was and essentially how neglected she felt.

Just stuff like that. She wanted a perfect clingy couple relationship where I could provide everything, and I wanted a more relaxed thing where we could just enjoy eachother's company and kiss and do nothing at all and still be happy. It IS confusing, because despite all that happened I still like her. I haven't stopped thinking about her since we broke up. But one of the biggest reasons for that, I think, is that she still wants to be my friend. She's devastated at the thought of losing me, and I don't want to lose a friend like her so we keep talking and hanging out constantly. I don't want to be 'that guy' who pretends she's the one and then just ditches her, but will I eventually have to? I just don't know. Should I keep talking to her while I'm in college? Should I pretend like there's still a chance? Thanks so much.

[VincenzoG91]

She is a control freak. She probably won't outgrow that unpleasant character trait, so you are better off without her.

[Inco]

You don't think she'll outgrow it? She desperately wants to be with me and said she'd change everything and regrets everything.

[VincenzoG91]

She might change to please you for a while, but then get complacent and revert to form. You might as well give it a shot and enjoy the good times again for a while. Or maybe I'm wrong and things will work out great from now on. Given her age, it seems unlikely, but it probably wouldn't hurt much to try again.

[James87]

Thanks for your post.