Almost perfect relationship

[JJBender87]

This is kind of long, for those who care and respond I appreciate it.

So this is my situation: I have been going out with my gf for almost 3 years. I am 21, she is 22. I knew her for about a year before we started dating. Basically she is a great girlfriend, she's not the jealous type, she knows when other girls flirt with me and almost never says anything about it besides every once in a while asking if i flirt back. she knows I don't but likes to hear me say it.

I can talk to her about anything. We see eye to eye on alot of issues that mean alot to us and the things we disagree on we have fun debating over. We have great conversations with real meaning which is really important to me in a relationship. She's really smart and very patient. She lets me see my friends and is not possessive. We almost never argue and the only times we ever have is about the issue I'm about to present.

I don't want this to be my last relationship. I don't see myself marrying her or being with her for years to come. I feel like if I end up staying even for a few more years it's going to get harder to end it. I don't want to end up settling because it's time to get married. I do want to get married but I want to find the right girl, and have enough time while i'm young to get to know her.

How do I end a great relationship which I love being in only because I don't want to look back and say I should have tried to find the girl i really want to be with. I know it seems like this is the girl i should be with because she's so great and we have a good thing going, but I know in my heart that I don't want to spend my life with her. There's no spark of love when I see her, though I do love her she feels more like a really great friend than the love of my life.

Sorry for the length, for those who read it all I appreciate your feedback.

[Mish]

Seat her down and have a one on one talk where you explain to her that she is not the right girl for you. Be considerate to her feelings.

[carl1222]

What a mess, JJ

You found the perfect girlfriend, but Mother Nature will probably direct you to a far lower quality girlfriend because you'll feel a "spark" for her.

In our western culture, "feelings of love" are paramount in our romantic choices. So you'll probably wind up with a girl with less than half her qualities ... one who will cheat and control you because you are "in love" with her.

I agree with Mishanya ... you have to let her go so she can find a man who can love her the way she deserves. She deserves that, her new boyfriend to be deserves that. Once you let her go, don't look back and stay the hell out of her life no matter how much she wants you in it.

Why on earth did you ever get into a relationship with someone you don't have chemistry for?

I just think the whole thing sucks!

Carl.

[JJBender87]

I did that twice and we broke up twice. Both times I thought it would be over and we could move on. But we have such a history and we like being around eachother. Also, other girls I have met while she and I were broken up are not nearly as interesting. It's very hard to find a girl who you can have a stimulating conversation with and at the same time be extremely goofy. To be able to laugh at stupid things and appreciate complex things at the same time is a feature I've rarely found in a girlfriend. And every time I hint at it she basically says in more of less words: "You know no one else will be able to both keep up with you and put up with you at the same time" and so far she's right, but I still need to find the person who can do that and make me fall stupidly in love. This may sound like alot but I'm not asking for perfection. I know that that one girl is out there, I just hope i won't be throwing away something almost as great for something I may never find. It's worth losing more if I do find her though.

[carl1222]

I did that twice and we broke up twice. Both times I thought it would be over and we could move on. But we have such a history and we like being around eachother. Also, other girls I have met while she and I were broken up are not nearly as interesting. It's very hard to find a girl who you can have a stimulating conversation with and at the same time be extremely goofy. To be able to laugh at stupid things and appreciate complex things at the same time is a feature I've rarely found in a girlfriend. And every time I hint at it she basically says in more of less words: "You know no one else will be able to both keep up with you and put up with you at the same time" and so far she's right, but I still need to find the person who can do that and make me fall stupidly in love. This may sound like alot but I'm not asking for perfection. I know that that one girl is out there, I just hope i won't be throwing away something almost as great for something I may never find. It's worth losing more if I do find her though.

I understand that, JJ ... so maybe I'm just ranting. Just as long as you understand that you are not responding to some cosmic force, but to an irrational part of your brain no larger than a walnut.

I can't stress enough though that keeping your gf on a string as just a friend for your own emotional needs is cruel, even if she shares those needs. You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control what you do. So don't go back and forth with it, don't try to remain friends. To do so is a deliberate prolonging of her pain.

Carl.

[JJBender87]

I understand that, JJ ... so maybe I'm just ranting. Just as long as you understand that you are not responding to some cosmic force, but to an irrational part of your brain no larger than a walnut.

I can't stress enough though that keeping your gf on a string as just a friend for your own emotional needs is cruel, even if she shares those needs. You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control what you do. So don't go back and forth with it, don't try to remain friends. To do so is a deliberate prolonging of her pain.

Carl.

I agree, which is why I have tried to end it. She knows I feel this way and says I'm stupid because every sign points to us being completely right for eachother. And yes we work well together but there's still that something missing and without that I'll always feel like she's wrong for me.

And then if I end it how do I find that person who works so well with me and makes me fall in love with them. It seems improbable.

[Aeradalia]

And then if I end it how do I find that person who works so well with me and makes me fall in love with them. It seems improbable.

Sometimes you meet them in an Asian food store as they struggle to pick out the noodles they want... which are sadly in korean and japanese..

[misombra]

it's not improbable. it's common for people your age to feel that way. you're coming into your own and outgrowing a lot of old people and behaviors.

very few people stay together with the same person they were with when they were 18. i've known people that have and the husband is always a cheater and the wife is always miserable. then they have kids and increase the drama and misery.

i hate to say break up with her because she sounds like such a good person and like you have a good connection.

maybe you can take a break or something lol. are either of you headed for college or a career or anything like that?

[JJBender87]

I would love an encounter like that. Though not specifically that one because it would be eerie and I can't read korean or japanese... =P

I hate having to go out with the intention of meeting someone and hopefully finding some chemistry. On some weird level I feel like that guarantees you won't find the one who is meant for you. I feel that person should fall into your life unexpectedly.

[JJBender87]

it's not improbable. it's common for people your age to feel that way. you're coming into your own and outgrowing a lot of old people and behaviors.

very few people stay together with the same person they were with when they were 18. i've known people that have and the husband is always a cheater and the wife is always miserable. then they have kids and increase the drama and misery.

i hate to say break up with her because she sounds like such a good person and like you have a good connection.

maybe you can take a break or something lol. are either of you headed for college or a career or anything like that?

She's pretty much in her career and I'm out of college and working. Our lives aren't really a struggle, just the usual broke young person blues since we both have loans to pay.

I can only hope that I can end this smoothly and find that person who completes me, as cliche as that sounds, its important to me.

I just hope I'm not throwing away the best thing I'll ever have.

[misombra]

well, good luck. good love is hard to find.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7btcksg7z8"]YouTube - Tom Petty - You Got Lucky (Live 1985)[/ame]

[carl1222]

She's pretty much in her career and I'm out of college and working. Our lives aren't really a struggle, just the usual broke young person blues since we both have loans to pay.

I can only hope that I can end this smoothly and find that person who completes me, as cliche as that sounds, its important to me.

I just hope I'm not throwing away the best thing I'll ever have.

Unfortunately, both statements can be true at the same time because you are talking about two completely different qualities ... attraction and compatibility. Having one in no way guarantees the other.

I do wish you the best in finding both in the same girl.

Carl.

[Gigabitch]

I just hope I'm not throwing away the best thing I'll ever have.

Are you the best thing she'll ever have, or do you think it's possible that somewhere out there is the right guy for her, waiting for you to step out of the way so he can meet her and give her what you can't?

[JJBender87]

I definitely think it's possible for her to find a guy that can give her what I can't, which is that unconditional, reciprocal love. The probability of finding someone so compatible even down to the smallest things seems improbable for both of us though.

Two of my very close friends spent most of tonight trying to convince me that I should end it now because it's best for both of us. I know this is true but I also know that if i end it, the chances are slim that we will find partners who give us what we already give, plus the small but very significant thing we both need, which is my being in love with her.

[lilmama615]

When you find a good girl, hold on to her because she might be the best girl out there that anyone can get. It's kinda like if you got something good ALREADY, don't go out tryna find better because you might lose out.