Ok so im new here but hoping for some unbiased advice:
So me and this girl have been dating for 6 months now. She has been my first everything, girlfriend,kiss,sex everything. Im a rather young guy (19) who can have total stage fright when it would come to talking to women but this one was different right from the start i felt cool calm and comfortable around her. Our first date was amazing and it rocketed full speed ahead for weeks, we were able to say i love you without hesitation, and from the start I knew it was something special and something I want for good.
Well that went on for a few months without hiccups or a single argument until we went to a movie and she was telling me how she has a huge crush on the main actor and how she has all his movies and what not and she asked me if i had any star crushes and I thought about it but being put on the spot rather quickly I blanked but thought about the movie and the main actress was very attractive but me being a dumb loud mouth said yeah she f'n hot....well she kind of giggled and we drove home. It was awkwardly quiet so i decided id put on my stuff and get ready to go although thats not what i wanted all i wanted was for her to ask me to stay...that really made her sour and i could tell and i asked whats wrong? she wouldn't budge and was just telling me goodnight and its like my plan backfired but eventually i got her to talk and she told me how hurt she was that I said that and how ready i was to leave but eventually we talked it out and made up. Little things like this started becoming more common.
Our first legit fight was when we were going to have sex one time i couldn't get hard, it had nothing to do with her i was just under the stress of my father passing not too long before that but she didnt know and i wanted to make love to her. Well when it happened i didnt know what was going on or why (like i said later i was able to pin it on that stress) im not experienced with the whole act in general and she flipped, she said im done i dont want it anymore. I felt horrible and like a failure and to add to the fact she felt so hurt like i did it on purpose or like i wasn't attracted to her and my mind was already racing thinking im broken or something and that hurt like hell. What made it even worse was we almost broke up because of that then we made up and were about to do it again and the same thing happened i was so afraid of it happening and focused on it that it did happen and same situation all over again but we made up.
Our biggest fight ever was when she found out i was looking at porn now to me it wasnt a big deal its not like id do it all day everyday and everyone does it so i thought it was normal but she did tell me how against it she was but i figured its just like scratching an itch to me. To her though it was horrendous practically cheating and she wanted to leave me but i begged and pleaded for her to stay with me but she wasnt having it and it was a nasty few days made even worse because it was around her birthday which she hates already and i had planned on doing something really special going to the beach the suprising her with a telescope and driving to the mountains because i know she loves star gazing and spending the dark night together but it fell through i didnt get to order the telescope and was left with nothing and come the day of i didnt have so much as a single card and she was extremely hurt. i thought I had lost her and i felt broken and lost but even still we made up.
Since then i changed completely, I havent looked at porn, I dedicate all my time to her, i put her before anything and everything like i thought i was doing before but she told me i wasnt doing enough. Well now its the opposite, she has her problems as well she tends to get angry easily so i walk on egg shells when i say things, she can easily shut me out and not give a half a crap about what i say and she does that VERY good, she can be controlling simply because shes very very independent she feels I treat her to well and that I deserve better yet at times she feels that im not accepting her for who she is but there's only so much a guy can take.
There has been several little disagreements here and there that have compounded into making me think would i be happy with someone else, but when the threat of her leaving me is very real i freak partially because i truly love her with all my heart and partially because i am unadmittedly afraid of losing the only girl ive known to be mine. Through every argument ive been the one to keep us together and want to work things out but when things get rough shes always the one wanting out but when things are good she wants to be with me as much as i want to be with her we speak of having children and getting our own place together and life beyond with total comfort.
theres soooooo so so so much more to the story but I guess basically what im asking is should i stay with her because i truly deeply love her or am i just afraid to break up? She honestly an amazing woman but it scares me to think if things go wrong she could up and leave without hesitation.