Heartbroken & Confused- begging for help!

[Donna83]

Hello,
I know you see endless posts like mine but I
Have taken to searching for a forum to gain ANY advice/ guidance possible as I seriously do not know what to do anymore.........

I'm a 29, female, my boyfriend of the last 15 months, whom
I live with & his 7 yr old daughter confessed 4 days ago that he cheated on me 4 months
Into our relationship, 3 times over a period of 3 months with his ex girlfriend.
He confesses the last time was 8 months ago.

These encounters were quick and in locations such as a bush!!, his front porch & his car.
He claims our relationship at the time was amazing & he was in love with me.
( pretty hard to believe)

The reason he confessed is because he wants to
Spend his life with me and Needed Me to know the full truth so I can make a honest choice.
I'm in turmoil currently from of course the shock but also I wanted to spend my life with him & his
daughter whom I love dearly too.
Now I don't know whats best for me!

His ex owed him over �1000.
I know I'm blowing my own trumpet but I'm a 1000 times better in all areas ( all HIS friends male/female have told me/him & have let rip on him.....)
I own my own home, I am a hard working children's nurse and I'm not that bad on the eye.

His ex at the time was cheating on her then partner.

To sum my relationship history up-
I married my ex partner of 4 yrs in 2010- it didnt last a year! He began to cheat ( so I found out
10months later) & left me.

My current unfaithful partner was my knight in shunning armour at this time & saw all the hurt and pain I endured.... And now he's done it!
The positive in it all is that he chose to
Confess..... And I'm not making anything easy.

I thought I could give it go....forgive & rebuild us.
I have been bluntly honest in what I need & expect from him.

The reason I'm on here is- last night I felt let down. After a long day of 15 hrs at work- I ring to say I'm on route....he knew from a text I sent that pm that the ward was busy etc.
I get home and the house was a tip! He used to ask if I was hungry as didn't always get a break at work to get something prepared for when I came home. This wasn't the case as he wasn't hungry!
The thing that got me is he was on his xbox in the living room playing alone but online with friends.
I made myself something to eat- and
Asked how long he would be-
Basically I asked twice.... 40 mins in ( was 23:10) still playing despite me telling him briefly Im not
impressed And storming out of the room.
A few mins later and after some thought I returned to
The room...... I thought he's lost the effort before he's tried!
I stood in front of him & told him I had had enough and that was it. He instantly ended the game & tried
To say he was sorry & he slipped into
Norm routine for him.

He's still living with me- for alot of reasons:
Mainly coz I don't know what I want but want him
Near- he hasn't got anywhere to go!- his daughters well being-
Also I need help with the bills.

Please someone give me some advice to how I deal & "play" this out.
Appreciate if anyone has actually read this essay too
Xx thank you

I just need to add- he didn't use any protection when he cheated- I have been to
Clinic and awaiting results ( he came too)
But he also confessed after our visit that his ex contacted him in march to say she had something &
needed treatment....... Of course I'm extra worried now as it's my health & future now!

[AdminOnline]

i know no one is perfect ..
Just ask yourself if this guy does help to add any value to your life ? Is he the person you want to spend with for the rest of your life?

cut the pain/loss if this relationship isn't going anywhere..

Hope you are fine.

[Donna83]

Thank you for your reply loveadmin.

I don't know whether it's because I am
Very raw ATM but I can't imagine my
Life without him. Is this because my dreams
For our future have just Been crushed and I'm
Just still in that state of mind?

He's was a great friend to me before we became a item- he's a great dad, he makes me
Laugh, I still fancy him like Crazy. He just slotted into my world like my
Missing puzzle piece.
Seeing him as a damaged puzzle piece now but still almost fits ....

[Prime39]

I'm a guy! And I know how hard it is to turn down sex! And I also know that it doesn't mean anything! Especially if he came clean to you! I've been there! I've cheated on a girl I really loved, and I instantly regretted it.

[Donna83]

Thank you prime39.
As a man with experience...Do you think it's possible
Not to cheat again and realise what you almost lost?
I desperately want to believe him and give him a chance.
It's the number of times that gets me and the exchange of nude pictures in between.
I'm very open in regards to my Sex life so it's not like we never exchanged things and he was seeking else where.
His best friend believe he's always been a player and never fallen for a girl like me.
He thinks he got scared of how serious we were becoming so soon....
Who knows x

[nocluewhattodo]

Donna he WILL cheat again, please don't do this to yourself, I wasted years forgiving a serial cheater, the fact that he confessed speaks volumes, he has done this to eliviate his own guilt, not to actually try and fix things, the fact he has done it more than once says that because you have let him get away with it he will do it again. I promise you that it WILL get better, you need to get rid of this guy and fast, the fact he has no money etc IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, he has broken your relationship with his cheating and he must sort himself out. I guarantee you that after you make the break he will ask you to have him back and you will doubt yourself that you have done the right thing, you may consider it, you may actually have him back and he will cheat again. One thing I can guarantee you is that after it gets worse it will get better. I know that it is a cliche but it really is true. Please dont put yourself through this, this guy is scum.

[smackie9]

The more you forgive him the more he will know he will get away with it again......there has been no consequences for his actions. He isn't suitable to be a BF, and I'm questioning him as a father. I suspect he is with you to mind his daughter for him, taking on the responsibility he doesn't want to do. He is using you. Kick him out and find a boarder or a friend to be your room mate. The guy is a loser. Don't worry about the daughter, she has two parents, I'm sure between the two of them they will manage.

[smackie9]

Now lets look at the pattern you seem to be following...already you have two guys that have cheated on you. It's your choice of guys, and I suspect you, in some way, feel like you are rescueing them, helping them out, feel sorry for them, feel like you could improve their life.... am I right? Stop dating guys with baggage.

[cheekxs]

Did you not open this topic once?

And i think its stupid to tell that you are better and nicer then the ex. many people
do that. i think its out of insecurity.
No one cares about that. If you are better show it dont have to tell if its so.

And i think you are young to have such a marriage history.
Like 2010 divorced and , yet you are already with a guy in your home?
Did you heal enough of the divorce'\/?? And dead he took enough time after
his break up with his ex to get over her?
Cause people date like crazy without taking time to get the exes out of their system.

And cause of the places he choose to sex with his ex i think maybe its just lust and
he just enjoy the sex.
Cause its not the most nice places for a men to lay down and make love to a woman.
It sounds more like places where a men go's with a hooker to get it don fast and wild.

But anyways, i dont know what kind of relationship you both have.
But i think you are a indepent woman or you can be it if you want.
So you dont need him really for that part.

The big question is , how can you know that he is not doing it anymore with his ex?
I think cause he is not your husband , its easily for you to break up with him
And i think you dont know him that long if 15 months is the whole time you have known him.

What ever we say you will do what you want. and many girls that ask what to do, often will stay and
take it for long.
Cause someone that quite shit like that, dont even ask , they just do it!

And i think if you break up he wills still have to pay child-support (financially help kind off ).
And also i think often if a men dont learn a good lesson out of the cheating of you dont make a big impact on them the first time
after the cheating they will go and do it freely again.
Cause they know they can get away with it while they are with you. And they know what to do so you dont break up with them or to take them back.

Maybe you need to have a conversation about why and , trust and why would you believe him that he will not do it anymore
and what it did with you emotionally and how further.

[Donna83]

Thank you for all your responses and taking the time to pass on any advice.
Having good and bad days currently (good out weighing bad). Bad night tonight as
I'm in the spare room as feeling frustrated with him Sleeping when I feel so emotionally churning inside.

Firstly,
GUM clinic results were negative for the both of us! Relief was emense I can tell you as I
Was prepared to just walk away if that had added to things.
My bf has been alot more attentive & listening more to me and accepting my rants, questions and depressive moods-
Like he should be!!! And at this point it HAS to continue.

He took it upon himself to visit my parents (whom I am very close to) alone while I was at work to basically put his
Head on the chopping board- he sat down with them & told them everything he had done, then allowed them
To ask questions and make their comments etc. I've got to say I didn't expect this as my parents are very honest &
opinionated- especially my dad who is a bit like Phil Mitchell (but bigger).
The outcome of that was genuinely positive.

A added dilema to my stress was my boyfriend is due to be bestman at his best friends wedding aboard in las Vegas nextyear. The ex he cheated with "was" due to be Bridesmaid :-S understandably I felt I could no longer go if I had to
purposely face Her etc but never would ask him to miss his best friend of 10 yrs wedding.
I knew in my heart of he booked up I would have to walk away as how could he actually give a
Damn about me if he wants to re open wounds and put me through a
Head mess like that scenario! My parents did say to him- it's the wedding or Donna.
He since has told his best friend that he isn't going and the reasons
Why. (his best mate has recently told me
He also knew if he went he wasn't as serious about me
As he was making out)- this was the one thing that made me
Think -"ok he really wants to be with me"

Since then- his ex is no longer coming to the wedding, hen do etc- as her friendship with the bride has gone- the bride
Had a wake up call after all this- as she realised how evil she was and this added to there own friendship problems over
the Years.

I do think now I rushed into a relationship post my divorce. I sound like a bit of a Katie price but I guess insecurities played a massive part and needed to feel wanted and I'm not the one night stand type.
When my bf and I started seeing each other we were in 2 minds whether to be official. When he said he couldn't see it
Yet I reluctantly understood and started to date another Nothing more than a few drinks etc and this drove my bf insane and he admitted he was scared and felt sick I'd find someone else- so he asked me then to be his gf.
Looking back now- he wasn't ready!! No excuse at all- but he didn't want anyone else to have me. Kinda selfish really.


Like any girl who has been cheated on and taken someone back- I pray he doesn't let me down again.
I know I will walk away- full stop!
As it stands I feel I have to at least try because a massive part of me tells me I'm not done in this relationship and until That part is gone I have to. I don't want to be one of these girls that go back and forth because they still have what if's
( and I would be if I ended it and had a merry few)