Help ! Just found out that my partner has been a sex worker behind my back

[Marco S]

Sorry for the double thread, but the topic seems to fit in both places.

Hi,
I just joined this forum while looking on the net for places to get help. Right now I am in a dark, dark hole experiencing the worst pain I have ever felt in my 40 years on this planet.

Here`s my story: I have been together with J for two years. We just planned to move together.

Two days ago I found out that she has been working as a profesionell Dominatrix in a BDSM studio the whole time. She always told me that she had a well paid cleaning job in addition to her dayjob. Now I know why she was never willing to meet me on those days.

Her version of the story: She is sorry that she lied to me (for such a long time). The job was well paid (and she really needed the money), there was no intercourse involved, she was never even partially naked and never let her clients touch her.
When talking about her clients she was full of contempt. She also insisted that the vivid phantasies people have about this kind of thing are vastly exaggerated because it is such a taboo. She compared her job to that of a nurse.

My version of the story: Even though she didn`t sleep with other men, she “had sex” with very many people behind my back. For money.
I have always had very jealous feelings, but managed not to be too possessive in my relationships. But my partner having sex with other men is hurting me more than anything else in life. This is my weakest spot and the part where I am most vulnerable.
I understand that other relationships are built on different principles, but this is who I am.

Yesterday she quit the job. But the damage is done. I am dealing with a world of pain right now, working is out of the question.

I still love her. Madly. She still loves me. But I am so afraid that I can`t be strong enough to find a way in which I could forgive her. Too much pain.

Thanks a lot for anything you say to me right now.

Marco

[HeartIsAching]

I'm going to disagree with you a bit, but not entirely.

She didn't have sex with anyone.

However, what she did do is the sort of thing that ought to be discussed with partners. The fact that she didn't has destroyed your trust, and rightfully so. Without trust you've got very little worth preserving. Can you get it back? Can you ever trust her again? These are the things you've got to ask yourself. Perhaps seek professional counseling together, if it's really important to you. If not... it's time to walk.

[Marco S]

Thanks for that quick reply.

That kind of disagreement is exactly why I posted here (and wrote it the way I did) and why I need feedback. Weirdly enough that part is hurting me more than the betrayal/trust issue.
So I think that this is where I have to do my homework right now and what I have to grapple with.

She is well aware that hiding it was a big NoGo and she`s normally honest to the point of bluntness.

I have a counselling appointment for myself tomorrow and will ponder whether doing it together is the way....
(I am still recovering from the debt I paid for counselling when my marriage broke up two and a half year ago)

Once again heartfelt thanks...

[Kit]

The problem is that she lied to you. That is seriously not cool. She needs to earn your trust back.

She did not have sex with those people. It was just a job. But she still should have told you about it.

Also, I've been trying to get a job as a Dominatrix. It seems really cool. Go look at the website for the company she works for and read the limits. She's not allowed to do that with people. Usually no sex, no sexual contact, etc. The fact is she flirted with (for pay) people and lied to you about a huge part of her life. Be mad about the lie.

[lexx13]

I believe the reason she never told you was because she was afraid that it would change your view of her as a person and she would lose you. Personally I was in a similar situation where I was a dancer and would hide it from the guys I dated. I didn't want them to make assumptions about the type of person I am, because of what I did to pay bills, and I wanted to put in time and effort knowing they were going to stick around before I told them about something that I was keeping a secret.

Even though there is an excuse for it, I still think it is very selfish to do and so I started being open about it. You would be surprised how many people turn their back on you, and that can be very painful.

[TheCafeTerrace]

To be honest I think that's kinda hot. Are you not tempted to tell her to bring home the thigh-high boots and leather corset?

[vashti]

She compared her job to that of a nurse.

Speaking as a nurse, I can assure you that if she thinks our jobs are alike, she has no idea what a nurse does.

[asdfg789]

Speaking as a nurse, I can assure you that if she thinks our jobs are alike, she has no idea what a nurse does.

Hmmm... a "professional Dominatrix in a BDSM studio" thinks of herself as a nurse ??

come to think of it, sometimes it is necessary for a nurse to inflict pain ...

no wonder i find nurses so hot

[cheekxs]

i think she have one more serious issue if she thinks its the same as nursing.
She have reality problem and dont even know what a nurse is.

Cause first off all, a nurse is needed, and helps people to get better and its a respected job.

What she do is the opposite! it make people worse . and not respected and it doesn't do any good for no one.
i think she trys to play you with such a stupidity

If she really want to be honest she would tell the truth just as it is. instead of compare it with nurse witch make no sense..

[vashti]

come to think of it, sometimes it is necessary for a nurse to inflict pain ...

Hey there, stranger! Long time no see.....

[cheekxs]

And how do you want to be toghater with her and you dont even know her job? have you never drive by to get her of hr work or to see what she is doing???

you guys are weid tho. you want t do a lot of stuff, while you barely know the person. and especially simple stuff that people normally get to know from each other. like
where they work and get them from their job..

[cheekxs]

weid=weird

[TheCafeTerrace]

What she do is the opposite! it make people worse . and not respected and it doesn't do any good for no one.

The 1950s called - they want their prudish opinions back.

A professional domme is a perfectly respectable job. She provides a service to people to enjoy the fantasy of power-exchange. She's not damaging them in a serious way any more than a barman is damaging his customers by serving them drink. Give the poor woman a break.

[smackie9]

She is telling you the truth. Those are the rules set for being a dominatrix. It is not prostitution, it has nothing to do with sex, it is providing people with a service. They want to be submissive and experience being dominated. Some actions to involve inflicting pain, with whipping, clamps etc. But never sex. A lot of the time the men dress up like a baby or in drag to be in the submissive role. It is very therapeutic for those. Many professional people use the service, like doctors, lawyers, and people from all walks of life. It just gives them a chance to have someone else in control, and to have an escape from their responsibilities.

Of course as you can see some people think very negatively about this profession, and the people involved... it carries a stigma with the ignorant, religious community, and the uneducated. That is why she didn't tell you about it, because most men I'm sure would just run away from it. It took a lot for her to step forward with this, and she did it because she sees a future with you and wants to make things right.

Now is the time to talk about the future. Ask her what changes in her life have to happen in order for her to give up working as a dominatrix. If she wants this to be her life and to continue with it, then you will have to decide if you want to accept it or not.

[smackie9]

http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/tv/stra...n-training.htm