Love, Drugs and BDSM...

[TheCafeTerrace]

Use the word DATE and make sure she knows your intentions. If you love this girl the way you THINK you do then you will not treat her like one of the lacking in self-worth that you can pick up by buying her a drink and negging her.

I appreciate the advice, but I resent the idea that just because I occasionally sleep with people I meet in bars and nightclubs that they lack self-worth. I'm also insluted that you think I go around 'negging' girls.

She deserves some respect and if you are so confident then why are you so afraid of honest, open and respectful communication with her?

Because she's one of my best friends, and we have the same circle of very close friends who are like family to me. If I made it awkward or caused a rift between us by admitting unreciprocated feelings for her I'd regret it immensely. I would regret even more if we got together, subsequently broke up and it was too awkward for us to be able to hang out anymore.

And for the record I'm not at all confident, having sex with people is much easier that forming a real relationship.

[toknow]

By the way, you should take a note of her comment about her feeling sexually intimidated by you, might suggest she sees you as you put it a sexual deviant. And that can be a very, very bad thing if she wants a relationship with you. As she might see you as someone who is too jaded for a relationship, and it might be unthinkable for her to accept your past sex style if she is really into you.

If she really likes you and wants a relationship, you need to downplay your past sex experiences as much as possible, don't lie to her, but don't make yourself sound like a sex machine. If you feel like her being in your life is a thousand times better experience and none of the other experiences can compare, she needs to know that, otherwise she might never be able to deal with it. And the more she loves you and the more she desires you, the harder it will be for her to accept your past, as things get more complicated when feelings are involved and could eventually break it up

[TheCafeTerrace]

great advice toknow, thanks. I'm accutely aware of this, it's kind of unfortunate for me that my sex life has become something of a running joke among some of my friends. My old housemates told this girl a lot of things I'd rather they didn't, but this was actually the same evening that we first got together, so I'm hoping it didn't bother her too much.

I can't change the past, but I'll try to let her know that she means more to me than any of that stuff.

[toknow]

Yes, she might even think it's funny in the beginning and not care about it at all, but once she starts having feelings for you, it could seem like a nightmare to her. That's why it really isn't a good idea to discuss past relationships, etc. as it's opening pandora's box.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dude, people will let just about anything slide when they're rolling face on ecstasy. Not saying that she does or doesn't mind, I'm just saying that just because she had sex with you that night, doesn't mean its not a problem for her. She sounds like she's fairly promiscuous so I don't think she should mind too much, but as toknow said that could change, and I also think it's best to just downplay everything.

[Wakeup]

I appreciate the advice, but I resent the idea that just because I occasionally sleep with people I meet in bars and nightclubs that they lack self-worth. I'm also insluted that you think I go around 'negging' girls.

Lmao. freudian slip?

Because she's one of my best friends, and we have the same circle of very close friends who are like family to me. If I made it awkward or caused a rift between us by admitting unreciprocated feelings for her I'd regret it immensely. I would regret even more if we got together, subsequently broke up and it was too awkward for us to be able to hang out anymore.

If she's such a good friend then why would it be "awkward" if she didn't reciprocate your feelings? Don't you think it will be more awkward if you're just ****ing one another and not knowing what she actually feels for you? Won't that cause a riff. If you are afraid of it being so awkward or that you'd lose the friendship then I'd think that screwing her would have been the last thing you would do without knowing where you both stood or wanted to stand.

[And for the record I'm not at all confident, having sex with people is much easier that forming a real relationship.

And you question why I mention self-worth when you can screw a woman after just laying eyes on her. Confident, good relationship, quality women have the self-worth to know they are worth more than a neg and a drink or two. Sorry, but that is THE truth. You will understand that in time and you will come to know the difference.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Lmao. freudian slip?

Nope, I never make freudian clits.

Don't you think it will be more awkward if you're just ****ing one another and not knowing what she actually feels for you?

I did think that, but it wasn't awkward at all for some reason. I am going to make it clear to her tha I'm not just after sex, and that I actually like her, but I think the full extent of how I feel might freak her out a bit. I've had a friend say to me before that she was in love with me, it took me completely by suprise, and I had no idea what to do apart from say I thought we were better as just friends. It did unnerve me a bit to be frank, and made things a little weird.

And you question why I mention self-worth when you can screw a woman after just laying eyes on her. Confident, good relationship, quality women have the self-worth to know they are worth more than a neg and a drink or two. Sorry, but that is THE truth. You will understand that in time and you will come to know the difference.

A lot of girls are not looking for a "good relationship" with someone they get with in a bar/club/rave/whatever. And having the odd one-night-stand doesn't mean a girl has self-esteem issues, maybe she actually just enjoys sex. I've noticed a very distinct double standard sometimes, where women who have casual sex with strangers are deficient somehow (low self-esteem, no self-respect, lacking self worth, bla bla bla) yet promiscuous men are saddled with no such judgements. For the record, I don't buy girls drinks (I barely drink myself) and I've never negged anyone. I think out of the two of us it's you who doesn't have enough respect for these women.

[Wakeup]

Nope, I never make freudian clits.

*grinz*

I did think that, but it wasn't awkward at all for some reason. I am going to make it clear to her tha I'm not just after sex, and that I actually like her, but I think the full extent of how I feel might freak her out a bit. I've had a friend say to me before that she was in love with me, it took me completely by suprise, and I had no idea what to do apart from say I thought we were better as just friends. It did unnerve me a bit to be frank, and made things a little weird.

Good. Open, honest communication is the key to all successful relationships.

A lot of girls are not looking for a "good relationship" with someone they get with in a bar/club/rave/whatever. And having the odd one-night-stand doesn't mean a girl has self-esteem issues, maybe she actually just enjoys sex. I've noticed a very distinct double standard sometimes, where women who have casual sex with strangers are deficient somehow (low self-esteem, no self-respect, lacking self worth, bla bla bla) yet promiscuous men are saddled with no such judgements.

Not where I come from. As far as I'm concerned the men have the same negative adjectives attached to them when they are getting their self-worth through their genitals and their ability to pull anything that will do anyone. Do you understand the difference I am getting at.. Having sex when that is all you want is fine. Having sex just because you are gleaning your personal worth through it is quite another.

For the record, I don't buy girls drinks (I barely drink myself) and I've never negged anyone. I think out of the two of us it's you who doesn't have enough respect for these women.

You assume I was only referring to "these women." Read the above response. I think it clarifies where I'm coming from when it comes to low self-worth promiscuity. Whether or not you buy girls you screw drinks is irrelavent, really..

Good luck with your lady friend.

[IndiReloaded]

By the way, you should take a note of her comment about her feeling sexually intimidated by you, might suggest she sees you as you put it a sexual deviant. And that can be a very, very bad thing if she wants a relationship with you. As she might see you as someone who is too jaded for a relationship, and it might be unthinkable for her to accept your past sex style if she is really into you.

If she really likes you and wants a relationship, you need to downplay your past sex experiences as much as possible, don't lie to her, but don't make yourself sound like a sex machine. If you feel like her being in your life is a thousand times better experience and none of the other experiences can compare, she needs to know that, otherwise she might never be able to deal with it. And the more she loves you and the more she desires you, the harder it will be for her to accept your past, as things get more complicated when feelings are involved and could eventually break it up

I'm glad to see this post. I was thinking something very similar to this. Does she know you're bi? Your situation is somewhat different from the typical 'moving from friends to relationship'. Do you have any sense she is open to your sexual orientation? You mention strong feelings for your friend, but what is your intent? Do you even want a relationship with her? Will you be able to be exclusive to her? Will you expect her to participate in your sexual fantasies?

Be careful you aren't setting yourself up to be shredded. I agree with GetStung - you need more info from her, particularly when not drunk. Good luck.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Does she know you're bi?

Yes, she was one of the first people I came out to about 5 years ago.

Do you have any sense she is open to your sexual orientation?

Yes. She has actually done a lot of work in LBGT rights (she's heavily involved in Amnesty International.) Whether that means she would be bothered being with a guy she knows has slept with a few (3) guys before, I don't know.

You mention strong feelings for your friend, but what is your intent?

I'd like to spend more time with her, but just the two of us and in a romantic context. If that means dates and stuff then I guess I want that. Ideally I'd like her to feel the same way about me as I do about her - She's so funny, gorgeous and really intelligent, one of the few people I can talk to about art, or books, or philosophy. I get that rush when I see her, that flood of dopamine, oxitocin, endorphins, adrenalin.... it's like cocaine.

I know this is waaaaaay too much now, but I can't help imagining settling down with her for good. We both already, miraculously, have post-grad jobs lined up in London next year (her in the foreign office, me in the BBC).

Do you even want a relationship with her? Will you be able to be exclusive to her?

Yes, of course. I despise cheating, and frankly even though my libido is through the roof I would never betray anyone like that. It probably doesn't come across very well here, but I'm very loyal. I also know that she has a lot of integrity, she has never cheated on any of her boyfriends.

Will you expect her to participate in your sexual fantasies?

Only if she wants to. She's unlikely to want to do like an extreme master/slave dynamic, but I know she has tried some light bondage before with an old boyfriend and enjoyed that. She complained to me once when they broke up about a year ago that he took the bed restraints. I jokingly offered her my spare set of cuffs but she declined.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Good luck with your lady friend.

Thanks Wakeup, and thankyou for your post in the other thread too - it genuinely made me think.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes, she was one of the first people I came out to about 5 years ago.
Whether that means she would be bothered being with a guy she knows has slept with a few (3) guys before, I don't know.

I get that rush when I see her, that flood of dopamine, oxitocin, endorphins, adrenalin.... it's like cocaine.
I can't help imagining settling down with her for good.

Only if she wants to. She's unlikely to want to do like an extreme master/slave dynamic, but I know she has tried some light bondage before with an old boyfriend and enjoyed that.

Well, if I were her I'd also worry a bit she won't keep you satisfied, longterm. Will you be able to forego some of your kinkier tastes for her if she's not going there? Once the flame cools and all that. But for now, steady on. Romance her, is my advice. If she responds, at some point you'll need to answer these kinds of questions to reassure her but meantime, see what happens. Don't, as others have said, spill your guts before you know where you (plural) stand. Good luck.

[Cerulean.]

I have no advice since everyone else has been pretty good at giving you some great words of wisdom, but I do want to wish the both of you luck. I'm interested in seeing how this ends up.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Well, if I were her I'd also worry a bit she won't keep you satisfied, longterm. Will you be able to forego some of your kinkier tastes for her if she's not going there? Once the flame cools and all that.

I expect so, I'm not like an addict or anything. All I'm worried about is exactly what you said - that she feels too "sexually intimidated" (her words) by me.

Good luck.

Thank you again.

I've actually just arranged to go with her and a few other mates to visit the forest and go on a 'sculpture trail' on Friday afternoon, followed by the pub. I was thinking about asking her then if she wanted to get a coffee or something, just the two of us, over the weekend... little baby steps.

You never know, we might just end up shagging in the forest... (a guy can dream!)

[TheCafeTerrace]

If anyone's interested we were flirting like crazy earlier and I asked her if she wanted to get dinner with me tomorrow. She said yes... What a beautiful day. We're meeting at the pub later too (but with loads of people).