getting my feet wet again

[headoverheals]

Hi everyone,
a little over a year ago my fiance and I separated which was the best thing that ever happened to me. We were very young when we met and grew into two totally different people. He was a very controlling person and scrutinized everything I did or said. I moved with him out of state to where I knew nobody and he was so controlling that he didn't want me to go out and make friends. He believed that we were supposed to be together at all times and I felt suffocated. Many of my friends ask why I agreed to marry him and quite honestly I think that 5 years of him cutting me down really wore out my self esteem and quite honestly I couldn't picture my life without him. So like a young dumb girl I put up with a man who wouldn't let me see family, judged everything I did, compared me to other women, and so far as to tell me what I should and shouldn't wear. I could go on and one about that 5 year period but that is besides the point.
Since he and I have split I have had a great time. I think it was easy for me to "get over" the breakup because I instantly saw how much happier I was without him. Even sitting in my apartment alone I felt I could just breathe a little easier. I have supported myself, gone back to school while working full time, and I have an amazing circle of friends. I've discovered being happy again.
Recently, I was introduced to someone through a family member. There was a guy this family member knew of through a friend and she thought that he and I would hit it off. Unfortunately this guy lives in another state so I've actually not met him. We started to exchange emails to get to know each other and seemed to have a lot in common. We did exchange numbers and text pretty frequently and have talked on the phone. We have not known each other for too long and while our texts or emails are always casual they do happen nearly every day. The communication is very two sided which I like a lot. On paper, this guy matches everything I would want in a man and I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know him.
My question pertains to ways to deal with getting over fears from the past. In the beginning when you are getting to know someone and having fun you are filled with a feeling of happiness. You get excited when they text or email and start feeling those little butterflies if it's someone you are interested in. I find myself having these feelings but they go away almost as quickly as they come and all of a sudden I am filled with fear. All I can think about it how free and happy this past year of my life has been and then I remember how miserable I was on the inside when in a controlling and mentally abusive relationship. There is a part of me that is terrified to go through that again. I am an independent person and while I love the thought of being in love and having someone in my life I also believe that I should still be able to freely say to my partner "going to a happy hour with girlfriends tonight" and he should not only be ok with it but support it. Now, this current interest of mine lives 8 hours away. I am ok with long distance. In fact, both of us are in school and lead very busy lives so neither of us really have the time for a typical "lets hang out 3 nights a week" lifestyle anyway. Still though I start to worry that this guy is going to be like my ex when my ex and I were in college and lived far away from each other. I couldn't go out with girls after work because I was expected to come home and call him and spend 2 hours on the phone with him. If I tried to get off because I had school work or quite frankly wanted to go do something I got the angry treatment.
I'm sorry I am rambling on. The logical side of me says look you were young and you were with someone who was immature but not every person and every relationship is going to be that way. I would love to find a way of letting go of that past but I can't seem to and I would love to just enjoy the moment and be happy with what is currently going on without worrying about down the road.

[Cerby]

I think if you want to get your feet wet you should date locally, you don't say "I wanted to go swimming so I looked at pictures of a pool online". Starting an LDR with someone you've never met is a great way to be disappointed in the relationship that hasn't even started. Talk to him if you like, but I suggest getting your game back with someone you can physically see. Play the LDR as a limited option for now, because in reality, that is all that it is.

[headoverheals]

I think if you want to get your feet wet you should date locally, you don't say "I wanted to go swimming so I looked at pictures of a pool online". Starting an LDR with someone you've never met is a great way to be disappointed in the relationship that hasn't even started. Talk to him if you like, but I suggest getting your game back with someone you can physically see. Play the LDR as a limited option for now, because in reality, that is all that it is.

Hi Cerby,
Thanks for your reply. Believe me, I am not jumping in head first into anything. This long distance person is someone I was sort of set up with and I really am just going with the flow of it. I'm not saying that anything will materialize but we never know what happens in life. Maybe after being friends for a while he'll come down here or we'll meet halfway, etc. I don't think you can ever really determine if you click with someone until you physically spend time with them.
I guess rather than focusing on the person I've recently met because a discussion about long distance relationships is something we could have a completely separate talk about, I'd rather focus on the issues of my fears. It wouldn't matter if I met a guy down the street or who lived on Mars, these fears of mine are still real and something that I think I'd deal with regardless.

[vashti]

I think you are correct to be afraid. Most women who were involved in relationships like the one you came out of are notoriously bad at choosing men.

Have you had some therapy to learn about your own role in your last relationship?

[IndiReloaded]

Sounds to me like you are repeating your poor choices. Why? Don't you think you deserve someone who respects you for yourself? Are you so afraid of life you think its easier to give up your freedom and choices to another? As you know, there is a steep cost to that route.

You are stronger than you think. Don't date for a while. Learn to become comfortable with who you are. Then you will find a partner who can appreciate you for yourself without having to give up who you are.