Can You Figure Out this Conversation?

[In Memoriam]

Well, I have no experience in falling in love in two weeks but we do have a friend (male btw)who got "shredded" from an online whirlwind affair with a lying adultress. There were so many similar red flags to your story (and thousands that have come to this forum) but you "tend to not think about red flags because they seem like they'd cause angst" or something like that (can't remember what you said exactly). If you care about your emotional well being, then you'll observe a little more and "love" a lot slower until you figure him out and know through experience (not just what he's told you) that he's not still married. You might also want get out of denial mode and realize (don't have to be a man (or a "professional" to know this) that he has told you twice now that he is not on the same page as you are. Knowing that, should instictively have you backing away emotionally. Common sense is all one needs to tap into.
Do you have his phone number, does he answer when you call or does it go to voice mail. Does he keep in touch daily or just when he wants another go?

Its because of how he handled your confession and the fact that he conveniently works every weekend. Why do you think he's going to even have time for you if he works every bloody weekend? Gah!
Anyway, why don't you wait and see if he starts to show less interest (as smackie pointed out) before wondering any more about what the conversation meant. As I said you're going to likely learn the hard way. Are you new to online dating?

You didn't answer indie on her question bout your age (least I didn't see it) how old are you? (and he for that matter).

I know that he's not on the same page as me. The question was more of what page he's on. Instead of trying to "trick" me, I wondered if he really just doesn't know, like he said. And what that means (to a guy in this situation).

He contacts me more than I do him, even on days when sex does not occur. Normal conversations about his/my day and such.

And plenty of men with time-consuming jobs manage to have wives and girlfriends. I don't see that being some impossible hurdle.

I don't even see why it matters, but I'm 19 and he's 23.

[surfhb]

Just so you know, him speaking to you like this about his ex *is* a 'red flag'. Think about it: you are pretty much a stranger to him (sorry, but the truth). A few weeks only you say. Yet he talks about his *wife* to a *stranger* this way? You don't see that as having issues? Or at least still being very damaged by his relationship with her? Personally, I'd be mortified to use those kinds of words about someone who was even my ex to a stranger (even one I was f-ucking). Its not respectful to him, her or (if you think about it)--you.

Whatever works for you though.

Im a guy and I'll agree with you. Anyone who talked like that about an ex and Id be gone.

Your age has alot to do with the situation.....its a huge factor in determining how one copes with and understands certain situations in life.....especially love

[IndiReloaded]

Okay, you are both very young. So you know, at your age, your brain is still growing so you don't really have full control over your emotions yet. Hard to step outside of your own head, but realize that your feelings really can change on a dime. You can't have had many relationships at 19. You don't know what you don't know. This translates to you as - relax.

As for him, he's very young to have gone through such a brutal-sounding relationship. He definitely needs time to relax and recover. If you really like this guy, back off. Treat this as a fun relationship w/good sex. Turn down the expectations. Not much else to tell you, really.

[In Memoriam]

Im a guy and I'll agree with you. Anyone who talked like that about an ex and Id be gone.

Your age has alot to do with the situation.....its a huge factor in determining how one copes with and understands certain situations in life.....especially love

^Even if she was horrible? I mean very horrible. She tried to stab him, burn him, and various other serious abuses. Way worse than a little cursing - I thought he was just expressing himself...surprised people seem to be put off by that. Hmmm...

[In Memoriam]

Okay, you are both very young. So you know, at your age, your brain is still growing so you don't really have full control over your emotions yet. Hard to step outside of your own head, but realize that your feelings really can change on a dime. You can't have had many relationships at 19. You don't know what you don't know. This translates to you as - relax.

As for him, he's very young to have gone through such a brutal-sounding relationship. He definitely needs time to relax and recover. If you really like this guy, back off. Treat this as a fun relationship w/good sex. Turn down the expectations. Not much else to tell you, really.

Okay. I think I can do that, that makes sense.

[IndiReloaded]

Here's the thing about abusive relationships like that: he chose to marry her. Chose being the key word.

People who do the things that she did don't come without warning signs. But he still married her. Why? Either he was 1. Blinded by something else about her (sex? sound familiar?); 2. Pity; 3. First GF and he clung to her? 4. Just plain stupid?

You see the point, I hope. People with issues tend to find other people with issues. I hate to use Wakeups 'codependent' word, but it fits. There is a reason he married this woman. He needs time to sort out his reasons for choosing someone like this so he doesn't repeat the mistake.

As for his cursing, its not him vs. her. People divorce from abusive relationships and don't disrespect their exes. Classy ones, anyway. How someone treats an ex is a good indication of how they will treat *you* in a relationship, especially when times get bad. Think hard about this.

[smackie9]

I'm 48, been there done that, and Wakeup prob even more. Is this your first real relationship? You sure act like it is. I find you just don't know how relationships really work.
You are letting your love for him cloud your better judgement...childishly you see him as never doing no wrong that he is just unsure of things. Guys are not like that. They pretty much know what they want. He just doesn't know how to break it to you that he doesn't feel the same way as you do.

The only way to see what direction things will be going is to see how much has changed during the course of a week or two.

[surfhb]

^Even if she was horrible? I mean very horrible. She tried to stab him, burn him, and various other serious abuses. Way worse than a little cursing - I thought he was just expressing himself...surprised people seem to be put off by that. Hmmm...

No offense but this comment would only come from a 19 year old

But to answer your question further.....Yes, once i heard they were with a person who tried to stab them or burn them (LOL) I would walk the other way.....this says alot about a person....like it ot not. When I was 19 I probably wouldnt have though....Im 43 now Maybe youre asking the wrong age group? Someone my age certainly isnt going to have the same opinions or expectations on the matter of love or interpersonal relationship

Like smackie says....Weve been there done that girl

[In Memoriam]

^Didn't even think about the fact that everyone here (except me) seems to be almost 50.

[surfhb]

^Didn't even think about the fact that everyone here (except me) seems to be almost 50.

Yep! I dont envy you....Id hate to be 19 again Ha!

But check back tomorrow....there will be more comments from your age group. Warning though....you wont be getting many replys which agree with the path you're going with this guy. POersonally though, id think someone your age might consider the opinion of people who have been in your shoes before?? Call me crazy

[In Memoriam]

Yep! I dont envy you....Id hate to be 19 again Ha!

But check back tomorrow....there will be more comments from your age group. Warning though....you wont be getting many replys which agree with the path you're going with this guy. POersonally though, id think someone your age might consider the opinion of people who have been in your shoes before?? Call me crazy

I did listen when their replies sounded reasonable and did not contain inaccurate stabs at my character, or his. I give thanks only where it's due.

What path am I going with this guy? I really don't even know. I think I'm just going with the flow at this point.

[jacklogan333]

Not allways a man who likes a girl sexually like her sentimentally, but I think he is interested in you, he doesn't want to be your boyfriend by now, but he doesn't want to lose the chance to think about it and to ask you to be his girlfriend as soon as he makes up his mind. He wants to get decided by himself, and not making a decision by feeling pushed to. In case he would not be interested at all he would said it from the beginning. Wait for a month more or less. I think into those period he must get decided to ask you to be his GF or to say he is not interested.

[Wakeup]

I did listen when their replies sounded reasonable and did not contain inaccurate stabs at my character, or his.

You're still not getting it. You do not know him well enough and you have not known him well enough to know that these 'jabs at his character' are inaccurate or not. You're still going on his word (without action) that he is of good character when it's waay, waaay too soon to know if it is indeed good. Trust should be earned and you can only achieve that by getting to actually know who you're becoming vulnerable to.

I give thanks only where it's due.

Thanking posts is irrelevant. Listening and taking into consideration other viewpoints (even if they are not what you want to hear) is the relevant thing to do.

What path am I going with this guy? I really don't even know. I think I'm just going with the flow at this point.

Keep in mind what you've read while you go with the flow. If he's treating you like booty, then believe it or not, your emotions won't let you "just go with the flow" since you think you already love him.

You're 19. Have you talked to your Mother about his guy and what she thinks his conversation with you meant? If so what's her take on it?

[In Memoriam]

You're still not getting it. You do not know him well enough and you have not known him well enough to know that these 'jabs at his character' are inaccurate or not. You're still going on his word (without action) that he is of good character when it's waay, waaay too soon to know if it is indeed good. Trust should be earned and you can only achieve that by getting to actually know who you're becoming vulnerable to.

Thanking posts is irrelevant. Listening and taking into consideration other viewpoints (even if they are not what you want to hear) is the relevant thing to do.

Keep in mind what you've read while you go with the flow. If he's treating you like booty, then believe it or not, your emotions won't let you "just go with the flow" since you think you already love him.

You're 19. Have you talked to your Mother about his guy and what she thinks his conversation with you meant? If so what's her take on it?

Where do I even begin with this?

You say it's too soon for me to trust that he's a decent human being. However, you conveniently ignore the fact that in that case, it's also too soon for me to believe that he's NOT a decent human being. You take the more negative slant, even though you know less about the person than I do. And I go for the more positive one. Interesting. I understand promoting a more objective outlook, that's great and probably what I need. But that's not what you're doing. Your advice would probably turn me into some bitter, suspicious old hag before I'm even 30. Your advice is negative, rather than objective. Even worse, your words are riddled with assumptions (e.g. assuming something must be up just because he works on the weekends? WTF?).

As for me not listening to advice because I don't like it...That seems like the generic response of women when the person they're arguing with doesn't automatically agree with everything they say, regardless of the person's actual reasons for disagreeing. You assume that my reason for disagreeing with you is because I don't "like" what you say. Keyword: assume. And with no basis whatsoever.

If you think you can diagnose me with BPD or something over the internet (and probably with no real training in psychology), I have reason to question your methods of assessing individuals. You speak on topics that you probably aren't even properly qualified to speak on. That is why I question everything you say about me or him. And we can't forget about all the baseless negativity you seem to think everyone should have. These are just a few of my true reasons for not instantly agreeing with what you say.

As for having talked to my mother...was that a joke? What's she got to do with anything?

[In Memoriam]

Not allways a man who likes a girl sexually like her sentimentally, but I think he is interested in you, he doesn't want to be your boyfriend by now, but he doesn't want to lose the chance to think about it and to ask you to be his girlfriend as soon as he makes up his mind. He wants to get decided by himself, and not making a decision by feeling pushed to. In case he would not be interested at all he would said it from the beginning. Wait for a month more or less. I think into those period he must get decided to ask you to be his GF or to say he is not interested.

Okay, yeah, that's probably it. Thanks. I guess I'll have to wait about a month at least for my rejection or acceptance, then.