Should I be completely honest about my past relationship?

[IndiReloaded]

Yes for going on 4 years now.

I was using those examples to show marriage changes nothing. Getting married makes the relationship no different. It doesn't keep it from ending. It doesn't increase or decrease your promise of staying together. It's a scrap of paper and nothing more. What happens after your married depends on the relationship you made and that relationship is the same without marriage. Why marriages break up is not really any different than why relationships without marriage end.

No offense, but 4 years is still honeymoon stage. Come back when you have 10, 20 years under your belt.

If its a scrap of paper tho, why did you bother? EDIT - okay, b/c you didn't like the bother of 'domestic partnership' status or something. I wonder: did you elope or did you invite friends and family to your 'piece of paper' ceremony?

Anyway, I could pick apart your posts further, there's some definite inconsistencies, but suffice it to say you sound like someone who decided to make a Statement and is now stuck trying to justify her position. Commitments only have the value we give to them and, if you say your marriage is just a piece of paper, well that's a shame. I wish you well 10 years from now when things get difficult.

[kageri]

Still you are equating marriage with relationship quality. Just because I say it's only a piece of paper does not devalue my relationship in any way or make it any less likely my relationship will last 10 years or more. It has nothing to do with it.

[IndiReloaded]

No, I'm not. You are trying to weasel away from my point, which I stated clearly. I said that marriages don't 'just' dissolve. Most people view marriage as a deeper commitment than a non-married relationship. Again, I will ask - did you elope? If you didn't (and I suspect not since you didn't answer) then you took vows before a group of friends, family and (for those so inclined), God or her nearest earthly representative. For many, *that* is a key difference between marriage and other relationships.

I think you are making a bad argument. Perhaps you want to better define your terminology and concepts and try again.

[kageri]

I am arguing that marriages do just dissolve sometimes by stating they are no different from non marriage relationships. That is my point. Whether you get that piece of paper or not and whether you say vows in front of people or not your promise in and commitment in the relationship should be the same. It works or it falls apart the same for the same reasons.

Not that it matters but we were married in an office with 3 friends present as witnesses and me wearing a purple dress then had a reception for family a month later when my grandmother could fly out after her heart surgery. Neither of us are religious or at least not any church going religion so that would not have been appropriate.

[IndiReloaded]

I am arguing that marriages do just dissolve sometimes by stating they are no different from non marriage relationships. That is my point. Whether you get that piece of paper or not and whether you say vows in front of people or not your promise in and commitment in the relationship should be the same.

But its *not* the same because people don't say those vows, publicly. Did you, before your marriage?

Not that it matters but we were married in an office with 3 friends present as witnesses and me wearing a purple dress then had a reception for family a month later

Of course it matters. It just doesn't support your point, hence you'd like to minimize it. Look you are trying to make a post-hoc argument where your actions don't support your position. You can *say* whatever you like, and I suspect you do, but I'd have more respect for your position if you got married for your purely pragmatic reasons, skipping the ceremony. But you didn't. Its okay, there are plenty of people who say one thing and live something else. Consistency of internal argument is a rare trait.

I wonder tho (and don't feel you have to answer b/c you are stubborn in your position, its clear) but if your husband told you tomorrow he wanted to divorce you (but still live together), you wouldn't care one bit. Right?

[IndiReloaded]

Okay kids, I have to run. This will give you a chance to think a bit more about your arguments. Good luck.

[kageri]

Ceremony was required as far as I know. You have to have witnesses and you have to have someone of a certain rank say words over your marriage before signing the certificate. So I don't see how that negates anything I've said. It was the minimal required.

If my husband wanted to divorce me it would cause major problems because of legal and medical reasons. I would be unable to get my medication, I would not sleep, I would drive him insane, and we would separate. I'd probably be in a mental ward because my insomnia is so severe I only sleep 1hr a night without meds and got diagnosed autistic the last time I was off them because it has such an impact on my ability to function. That was the reason for looking up a domestic partnership in the first place. Insurance and his ability to speak on my behalf over medical issues. It's just very hard to do one. You have to own certain property together, have certain money accounts, etc... Marriage just takes a quick "ceremony" and signing a paper. Now if it weren't for that we never would have married in the first place but I would wonder why he'd want a divorce. There's not really a good reason I can think of unless you are breaking up even if you don't put any faith or importance in marriage.

[IndiReloaded]

If my husband wanted to divorce me it would cause major problems because of legal and medical reasons. I would be unable to get my medication, I would not sleep, I would drive him insane, and we would separate.

Sorry, before I sign off I just had to answer this, since your argument is paper-thin (ha, sorry, couldn't resist).

You *can* divorce and still live together. Plenty of couples do this, you don't need to separate. As for your meds argument: that can be a condition of the divorce. You can set whatever terms you like when you dissolve a legal marriage. Plenty of people support their exes re: healthcare and other things.

So, what are you waiting for?? File tomorrow.

[bluesummer]

Kageri I'm sorry I don't buy that either. I'm on marriage #2, and have been in a long term relationship that didn't end in marriage (but we cohabitated).

It took a lot more out of me to leave my committed marriage than my comitted long-term relationship (emotionally). Why? Because with the marriage I went through that stage of actually declaring my intentions to be with that person in a legally binding relationship. Yes, just a piece of paper but stronger symbolism behind it than you seem to want to recognize. Going through the motions of legally ending that relationship was drawn out, shameful, and agonizing.

The other long term 'common-law' relationship also hurt when it ended, but I could just walk away. People questioned the reasons for the breakup but not as harshly. There was no legal battle. We had been together a long time but because we hadn't taken that 'meaningless' step of legal marriage, it was easy for everyone to digest. Go figure.

I'm a little concerned that you've made it sound like you'd experience only some concern and some legal/medical discomfort if your husband wanted a divorce. Is that really what your relationship boils down to? Wow, if my hubby wanted a divorce I'd be crushed. Not at all because of the legal or money stuff, but because it would break my heart. What a great relationship you guys must have. Sounds like one of convenience rather than love? I mean, you really aren't making it sound like much more than a contract. Ouch for your hubby. Hope that's not the truth.

[kageri]

My husband says the only difference in a marriage ending versus a long term relationship ending is the very large fee you have to pay and a ton of paperwork that he doesn't want to do.

[IndiReloaded]

My husband says the only difference in a marriage ending versus a long term relationship ending is the very large fee you have to pay and a ton of paperwork that he doesn't want to do.

So, again, you are negating your own position. People don't "just" end their marriages. Even if the only reason is a hella lot of boring paperwork, it still makes them less likely to end things. You just said so. You also read what Blue said: she just walked away from her common law relationship but not her marriage.

The fee part doesn't apply. Divorce is only expensive if you fight over it. Otherwise, it's a trivial amount of money. Not much more than what you paid to get married (not including the party). Anyway, are you now letting your husband tell you what to think? LOL. Tell him I said he doesn't argue any better than you do.

[Maple1714]

My BF and I did the domestic partnership thing...for insurance reasons. It was super easy...$25 and 15 min of our time down at the courthouse. I think the state we live in considers that marriage....anyway....I still don't think the OP has fully gotten over or moved past her last relationship drama...

[haxan]

Well, no. Relationships, perhaps. But marriages that don't work out have reasons. Remember, someone made a commitment to get married. That commitment was broken for a reason. A good one, I hope.

If someone formerly married told me 'it just didn't work out', I'd conclude they are either 1. Not wanting to discuss it (right now), 2. In denial, or 3. Crazy/selfish/issued. How I proceeded next would depend on which of those possibilities seemed most likely to me.

Any love relationship has reasons why they don't work out, whether it's an LTR or a marriage. They can be complex, or they can be basic.

I think a reasonable person would believe that someone that have been divorced and started dating would talk about their past marriage at length at some point in their getting to know each other phase. Maybe not so for a past relationship or LTR.

Now, is it first date or two conversation material? Probably not imo. But ya, as our relationship progressed, we'd know why the marriages didn't work out for each other, in at least a general detail if not specifics. Enough to satisfy the need to know. An example might be if you stated that your ex was a cad and cheated on you multiple times, that would be enough for me to know, I wouldn't ask for details or specifics on the cheating.

Marriages can end for simple reasons as well as complex ones. Sometimes people just grow tired of each other after 15, 20, 25 years, they've raised their kids or not, and don't want to be day to day companions anymore. I think I mentioned someone I knew that went through that recently. Is that bad or wrong? Does it say something about one or both of the partners involved? Is it a red flag?

It's like any legalese type of question, usually the answer is; it depends.

As far as dating, and dating pasts, "it didn't work out and we just weren't a good match" is enough to know. Marriage is more complex, agreed.

[paloma]

Someone like me? Oh man, I disagree. I think you are judging the person I "am" based on poor mistakes I've made in the past.
'The truth will come out anyway later on" What truth are you talking about?

If the person I am dating asks me what happened in my previous relationship I can simply say, "I made mistakes that caused my relationship to fail. Took me a year to move past that and I now have." Something along those lines. Which is the TRUTH, not a LIE.

[paloma]

If u had the balls to mess around u should have it also to stand your ground and stand for it and take the consequences.
Cause truth will come out anyway later on and if he get into a relationship with u the consequences of finding out the truth will be bigger.

U dont have to tell details, but shore dont act like u are a decent woman! Be what u are so he can choose if he wants someone like u or not!

Someone like me? Oh man, I disagree. I think you are judging the person I "am" based on poor mistakes I've made in the past.
'The truth will come out anyway later on" What truth are you talking about?

If the person I am dating asks me what happened in my previous relationship I can simply say, "I made mistakes that caused my relationship to fail. Took me a year to move past that and I now have." Something along those lines. Which is the TRUTH, not a LIE.