Hi, If you have time please come read about my crappy life....

[BitterTaste90]

Hi, what I'm about to share is a little bit about how my life came crashing
down and down to finally a suicide attempt... that left me hospitalize for weeks...

I was never like the way I am now...Typing this story brings tears to my eyes....I'm surprise I am even sharing this ,but I guess it's because I finally became sobber... even though it happen a few years back. It still haunt me till this day.

All my anxiety problem started when I moved to a new school. I was a very popular kid at my old high school so being alone was something I was unfamiliar with and it felt really ****ty. I manage to make a few new friends within weeks so I thought all my worries were gone. But they were just starting to began. I fell in love with a girl that one of my new friend is dating. He treated her such like crap. She was a very sweet girl. Before I get judge let me start by saying I didn't fall for her because of her looks. She was 4'11 and was fairly chubby when I met her.All that didn't matter to be because I really love the girl for her. We started talking and she eventually broke up with him. After she broke up with my new friend he think I had something to do with it. He now has his whole group on me. Everyone hated me.... So I'm back to having no friends except for her. Me and her would eat lunch in the library away from everyone else we never care what everyone else thought. We eventually went out. We dated for 3 years...It was the best 3 years of my life..We were so much in love we gave each other our virginity(i know it sounds corny).. Then I started working at a gas station because i didn't want her to have to pay for things when we go out and I wanted to have money to buy stuff her stuff.,but I didnt have as much time to spend with her. We started to fall apart. She got in volleyball because she wanted to lose weight and started talking to the guy that manage the team. Then she broke up with me...I was so SADDDDD !!! I literally got into the biggest depression of my life. TILL this day I still don't know the true reason why she broke up with me. I'm guessing its the not spending enough time with her. I ask her if she's going to go out with that guy that manage the team and she said "no she didn't like him". BULL****. she went out with him a week later and kiss in my face and everything. I WAS SOOOO ****IN DEPRESSS!!! I didn't understand why she's doing this too me. I fell into a depression from being so lonely and eventually drop out of high school and she went on to graduate I contact her shortly after but I was drunk and I kept going on about how I miss her and all I could remember was she saying we were in to deep and we were going to be really hurt if we continue...that was the last thing said before she completely remove me from her life. She moved, change her number, block me from facebook and forgot about my existence.


If you manage to get down to this part then you actually care and I thank you so much for actually reading this.

I left off at me dropping out of high school. MY SENIOR YEAR! Can you believe that? I eventually started heavily smoking cigarettes and drinking. One night I was so sad I sat in the corner of my room missing her so much and feeling so betrayed I cried and cried. I sat there and stare at my white wall and all of the sudden I slice my wrist and wipe the blood on the wall because I felt that the wall needed some love from the blood the color of love.... my mom heard me crying and found me on the floor about to bleed to death.. took me to the hospital. I was there for a week. I had to talk to many many many people because they thought I was crazy... They prescribe me some drugs to take ,but I didn't take that sht. I threw it away as soon as I got home. Anyways as she continue her life at college. I was stuck at a sub shop making subs for 3 years. After I got fired from the gas station for punching my manager after he called my gf(ex gf) ugly and short. The sub shop wasn't too bad. Except for the fact that I was heavily smoking cigs and drinking and doing other drugs(molly,bars,ex). I would go through 2 packs a day and get wasted during the day and knock out. Life was a simple blur.


During my year working at the sub shop I forgot to mention I ran into an old friend(this is were my life started seeing light again). She uses to go to high school with me ,but I guess I never really remember her because I was so depress. She convince me that I knew her and I did. Not only did I knew her from high school ,but I also knew her when we were little I just didn't remember her. Anyways, we started talking and became really close. She had a kid and a man so we were only destin to only be friends. She told me about how I'm letting myself go and how I'm killing myself and my looks with all those drugs I'm doing. And she was right.... the heavy smoking has kill my looks and skin... the heavy drinking has gotten me fat and slow. my lack of education is having me stuck at this dead end job... She really encourage me to do more for myself. It was strange I felt that she really love me.. ,but I couldn't force myself back to love her back because I wasn't sure.. and because I was scared... I didn't want a replay. Untill one day I got into some big trouble. I was driving her home from a party we were at and I ran into a road block. I had alot to drink ,but I wasn't drunk ,but I knew I was going to be ****. I wasn't 21 just yet... she offer to take that for me... isn't that some sht??? She took a dui charge for me... and got lock up. She fought the case and won somehow so everything was cool. At least that's what she told me... I then knew that she had feeling for me and I had to make sure... I came over her house one night and wanted to "talk" the nexts thing I know I was ****ing her... . Alot of sht was going on in my head. I was very scared I didn't want to be in love because I was scar from the last one. After we had sex... everything started falling apart. I stop calling her because scared. I would ignore her. She would come visit me at work and I would run in the back and hide. Puffing away those cigs.She eventually didn't come around anymore and when she does I would find an excuses to ignore her. It's been 2 year now that I've last seen her,but I didn't forget her. Thanks to how she motivated me and kept me up. How she was there for me when I cried because memories from my first relationship came back. I went back to school and got my high school diploma. I quit my job at the sub shop. And started a new job as a production manager for shipping company. I've been working there for almost a years now. I work with alot of older people so I feel like I'm not social as I should be. I no longer smoke cigs because I remember how she hated them and that's what I think of when I am about to lit one until I just gave it up.(I've been 10 months clean) I NO longer drink(1 year clean). I have been doing alot of reading and exercise. I also enroll for college classes. I start this spring. I'm majoring in information security. Since I started focusing so much on myself as of now I literally have no friends again. I don't go out no more because I don't drink or smoke. And now I'm starting to feel nervous about starting college because I don't know if I can fit in. I forgot to mention after all those years of heavily smoking I've age alot and there's been alot of wrinkle under my eyes.People told me that the drugs used really made me look very dull and mean. I don't know if I can talk to young people or girls anymore... because of my appearances. I'm starting to feel down again ,but I keep thinking about how I want to be at my best if I ever see her again. also when I got my life back together I try to contact her ,but her number was change. She deleted her facebook after our incident. So I don't even know if I can ever find her. I swear why do all the girls in my life leave me so cold and with a trail.. to trace them.. Do they really hate me that bad....


Thanks for reading...... I really thanks you oh so dearly.
I didn't get into alot more details because I want to finish this fast because I felt such a very sad urge inside of me as I think about this more and more.

[smackie9]

OK so the first girl was just high school. Relationships in high school are short term....people grow up, change and want to move on with their life..you know go in a different and forward direction. You on the other hand didn't change or grow up...you turned yourself into a mess instead.

Second girl (low self esteem) thought she could "fix" you and boy was she off the mark. You just carried on and treated her like crap in the end, because of your lack of communication. You were scared, she took it as you being a douche..and I can't blame her.

So basically you f ucked up majorly and now that I have pointed out the obvious mistakes you made I hope this is a lesson learned about yourself, and you continue to improve on things like communication, and be more willing to express your feelings with someone who decides to be close to you again.