Is there any situation where...

[brokenhearted91]

Where someone can say FOR SURE that their ex isn't going to change their mind and say they were wrong to end it?

I have been thinking and wondered what others opinions were. Even if there is someone else involved either to end the relationship or just after, you can't say for sure that they wouldn't still come back? Grass isn't always greener.

Is there any situation you can think of where you can say they won't change their mind? Because what they're feeling now, won't always be the same in 1 week, a month, or even a year.

What's everyone else's take on this, I'd be interested to find out? I'm not trying to prolong false hope, but just the idea of is anything possible?

[michelle23]

For me personally I don't believe in second chances. If he left me for someone else-he would not get a second chance.

And if he broke up with me coz he was having some doubts-I'm not sure if Id be able to get over that and forgive when those doubts are gone and he comes running back.. I think if you have a good relationship and you love each other-you should do whatever it takes to make it work and not bail as soon as things get a little tough.

But I am only speaking about couples that have been together for a long time - say over 4 or 5 years. If it ends in the first 2 years-its prob for the best..

[davidjones]

From my point of view you can never say never about anything. But having been dropped by my girlfriend for very poor reasons which I don't think are the whole story, were she to want me back I don't feel I'd be able to trust her again. What's to say she wouldn't do it again after the next 3 years?? You could say it about any new relationship but for someone to do it once is one thing, to get crushed by the same person twice would be awful.

[brokenhearted91]

I had been with my ex for 3 years, he didn't leave me for someone else but within 3 weeks he told me he was texting someone else but don't worry they're just a friend and he also went to her friends for pancakes. That's all I know, so I don't know for sure whats going on between them. I also know he's kissed someone else, I don't know if its the same girl.

You've all probably read my story but he ended things because he said he couldn't see a future and I'd say I'd change too much and I hadn't. I'd been moody towards him, shouting at him and taking my unhappiness out on him with regards to missing home etc. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I've been reading past texts from just before we split to months ago, and they are all love you more, miss you loads, can't wait to see you, we're so good together, I want you by my side, personal jokes together, him wanting to come and see me all the time and missing me when he couldn't, him saying he wishes he didnt care so much because when im sad hes sad (a week before he ended it he said rhat) and occasionally there would be times when we'd fall out and argue and he'd say he hates feeling like that etc, but it wasn't constant. I feel like he bailed when the going got tough because he thinks that relationships never argue, but that's not true.

I don't feel like he's given himself time to look at the situation and what ending it really means, he's just thrown himself into work and going seeing friends etc. When we were together he always said how he couldn't be bothered going drinking and going to clubs and he felt like he was past that now and didn't wanna do it, and now he is doing it.

I see things or hear things that makes me think could he still care deep down, could there be a point he realises and could he want to try again?

[michelle23]

I feel like he bailed when the going got tough.

You are right about that.

1/. When he cheated
2/. Each time he dumped you
3/. Each time you were going through family problems etc.

He is weak. Men like him are not worth it. I told you before that when things are good-hes great and when they are bad he bails and hurts you. You already know all this. Please stop clinging on and hoping. You need to open your eyes and see him for what he really is. You can do better.

I hope you are not being all nice to him?? You should be ignoring him.

[brokenhearted91]

I'm not being like overly clingy/nice. But if he speaks I respond, I can't be rude to people in general, never mind someone I care about. Especially with the living situation, ignoring him would cause him to be like "I'm making the effort to be civil and your not, I knew you'd never change".

I can't help cling onto things, I wish I could stop but it's harder than it seems. He always said the only person that would make him leave me is me and the way I behaved, I didn't take that into account at the time and now I jut want a chance to show him what I'm made of. He's my first love and stupidly thought we could be each others first and only loves. Maybe he's just immature and needs time to grow up and realise relationships aren't all hearts and flowers all the time? I bet your getting annoyed at me now, I'm sorry.

[michelle23]

I'm not getting annoyed at you. But I do think your hurting yourself more by clinging on. He has no respect for your feelings, hes hurt you time and time again, he sees you as a doormat who he can just pick up and drop when it suits him and hes right. I bet if he said right now "Im sorry I want you back" you would just jump into his arms. There is never any consequences to his behavior and you keep enabling him to treat you this way so of course he wont grow up when he keeps getting away with it.

You need to act like your not bothered and even just pretend your over him and moving on. If you want him to chase you and take back some of that power that is what you need to do. Be independent, make him look at you in awe and say "wow I really should not have taken her for granted" and then he can kick himself in the balls for being such an idiot.

Hopefully along they way somewhere you will realize you don't need him and if he comes back with his tail between his legs youll have the willpower to say "you had your chance and you blew it"

[brokenhearted91]

I wouldn't jump straight back, there would be a lot of talking to be done but ultimately I do want him back. I wouldn't be a walk over and he'd need to realise that whilst I hurt him, causing him to end it in the first place, he's hurt me to by the way he's behaved afterwards. I've accepted what I did wrong and want the chance to show him that's not me, the real me is the person from the first couple of years of our relationship, if that makes sense.

I don't want to cling on in a way which hinders my recovery, but at the same time I don't want to completely give up, just incase I do have a chance of a happy ending.

He has behaved badly through the relationship, and I'm not making excuses for him but were both young, this is both our first relationship and I've made mistakes too. I just wasn't willing to give up on us in this bad patch, because like I've said 90% of the time we were brilliant and happy together.

[clarabellew]

I am kind of going through the same thing, brokenhearted91. Maybe slightly more of a difficult situation because we're married and have a child together (as well as three others between us from previous marriages), as well as a home, etc.

I too constantly question the situation in an almost Jeckyll and Hyde way. Part of me sees the reality that he moved out 4 and a half months ago, has been to solicitors (although doesn't seem to be progressing a divorce), etc. but part of me sees that he isn't acting like it's over - he still has stuff at the house, he won't make it public knowledge, certainly not on Facebook where there are scores of photos and statuses about us, he has his post sent here, is at our local doctors still. We are just started to getting along better but I think it's going to take time. But in that time I'm living my life for me, and improving myself for me and my family.

Why are the signs you're getting that it may, in time, not be over, or that he may change his mind / come back?

[brokenhearted91]

I guess I feel like it was a rash decision. We had issues, like most couples, but we'd been apart for two weeks (he started lectures before me after Xmas so went back to uni first) he'd FaceTime me constantly, text me all the time saying he missed me and couldn't wait to see me & loved me more than I could imagine and wanted him by his side while he achieves his dreams, and then the day I got back I was a bit off and moody with him (I was gutted to be back, being there is kinda the route of our problems) and that's when he said he didn't wanna do it anymore.

I dunno, he still asks about me and what I'm up to, still asks about my family and wishes me a safe journey and a nice weekend (I know you'll say that's him being nice) but he still talks to me about his stuff like as if we're still together kind of. He keeps asking who I've told out my family yet etc and asking if people hate him, and when i say no he's like, well it doesn't matter I guess.. Stupid little things like he noticed that I'd changed my phone case and asking me what ill be doing when uni finished etc..

This is someone who says he doesn't care anymore but I find it hard to believe so soon he doesn't. He has kissed someone else (but I know in the situation, I'd probably kiss someone else now, as wrong as it is to make me feel better, that doesn't mean I don't love him) and I know he's texting a girl but like I said, he was like don't worry we're just friends when I found out, so I'm not sure what's going on with them. My mum had a big go at him a few weeks ago, not because of the decision he made but how he was after with me because she cared about him too and he seemed upset that he'd hurt me and my mum said that he'd never find anyone that loves him and believes in him as much as I love him and he actually got physically upset.

I know I'm probably reading into things too much, but I just hope deep down in time, if he calms down he might see things differently and like I've repeatedly said, see the grass isn't greener on the other side. He's said up until recently he still feels angry at me, so I just don't know. My head is such a mess right now, I thought I was making progress but I feel now I'm taking steps back.

[michelle23]

but all couples argue or take shit out on each other sometimes. im not sasaying its right or anything to do that but if youlove someone you dont stay angry at them for a month for being in a bad mood sometimes. and your still making excuses for him (were young, he didnt mean it, hes angry)

thats no excuse to treat you the way he did in the end. he told you straight that he kissed someone and rubbed it in your face knowing you would be devastated. he was being cruel on purpose. you were together for 3years-you dont do that to someone. its wrong.

i think ive said all i can say by now and your still in denial, still clinging and hoping. maybe come back in a month and read all the replies you have gotten coz ur not ready to let go yet but you are only hurting yourself more
and you are giving him the satisfaction of seeing u fall apart, vulnerable, hurt. id have too much pride in this situation and i would have told him to go **** himself a long time ago-when he cheated.

youve wasted 3years on him. one day you might realize that but until then i widh you luck. your gonna ned it xx

[sayaka]

See, my thinking is, if he really still cared about you in the way you really want him to (in the way that it really matters), then he'd still be with you. So while he might still care in some ways as you keep saying, it's not enough. If this is the extent of his caring for you and it never becomes what it used to be, can you handle this forever? I'm thinking no. So, it's better for you to let go. Even if you're right and it is GIGS, there's no guarantee and it's actually not very likely that he'll ever come back to you even if he does realize the grass isn't greener on the other side. From what I've seen and read everywhere, this could be years or decades even if it ever did happen. So meanwhile will you put your entire life on hold and keep yourself in pain? It doesn't seem like a good option to me.

I hope you'll let go of these thoughts that are haunting you and keeping you from moving on, because whether or not he might see things differently in the future, it's not something anyone can know, so why not try and make things better for yourself in the meantime?

[basilandthyme]

This wasn't a case of him bailing when the going got tough....this relationship sounds horrible and I'm thinking he was right to walk away. Him previously cheating, you now moody, shouting and taking out your general unhappiness on him - why would he risk returning to this mess?

The two of you are very young. Most of us have numerous relationships before we find "the one" and I'm sure you'll be no different. Chalk this one up as a learning experience

[brokenhearted91]

It's just the memories and the happiness that's killing me, everything we've shared and been through together. We've done so much, seen so much, and invested so much together. Everywhere I turn there's a happy memory of us and things we did. Even silly conversations we had whole just lying in bed together keep popping into my head and every time it feels like a knife in my heart. Even though we've had rocky patches, I never thought we'd have no future. 3 years spending practically every day together is a long time. We had bad times but we did have a lovely relationship.

I'm not letting him see me hurt, upset and vulnerable. I cried once, that was right after he made the decision. Since then I haven't cried in front of him, accepted his decision and tried my hardest to be polite and civil to him. (I want him to see how I can change and behave like an adult). Don't get me wrong, I cry when I'm back home or he's not at the flat we share but I don't want him to see me as a mess.

I'm not intentionally trying to make excuses for him, I just know for both of us it was a learning process because neither of us had any experience in a long term relationship. But we wanted a future, he told me he'd propose after 5 years together and we could have children at 26, so he wanted it too (that sounds like he was dictating, I don't mean it like that I mean we discussed it and agreed).

How can he want someone else so quickly after being with me? That's what's breaking me the most.

[michelle23]

All couples say those things to each other. Many say it in the first few months when they are still infatuated. You should not take those things literally. They are not promises-they are usually a daydream, something positive to look forward to in the future. There is no 100% guarantee in any relationship. What about all the divorced people who promised each other they would stay together "till death do us part".

I know its hard. Your hurting and it will take time but you will get over this. Try to stay strong. I still think you should ask can you do your course work at home with your parents for the rest of the year. I'm sure the college would try to help you out. Can you go to the guidance counselor? The sooner you have no contact with him-the easier it will be. You literally have to go cold turkey and the first month or two will be hell but then you will start to feel better.