Lots of pain

[Amo85]

Hello

I'm very new to stuff like this. I have always kept my feelings to myself and especially my issues.
I'm not saying that's a good thing. It's rather a curse.

So I must admit I feel very nervous about posting here. But I really need help with an issue.

Fast history.
I'm a very sensitive person. I suffer from schizophrenia. And that have had a very big impact on my personality. It have changed my life. Both on good and bad terms.

The only time I really open up, is when I'm in love. But after my "illness" were for real triggered, I have been unable to pack in things. If that makes sense.
What I try to say is, I HAVE to open and really say what I feel. It's a very strange thing. And as you might can guess, that scares off people.

So I have been without love for a lot of years now. Until now.
3 weeks ago I somehow met a girl through my youtube videos. She really likes my voice and apparently everything about me.
Within very short time, I knew this girl was the one I had been waiting on throughout my entire adult life. There is no question about it.
She is everything I could ever want.
A big heart. Incredible appreciative. I'm not sure how to actually express this. But I can see it all in her eyes and her smile. There is nothing fake about this girl.
I have only seen these signs on one other person in my life, my mother. And with the effects my illness has on me, I notice more signs and feelings than most people would possibly do. It's like 4 times the brain activity when interacting with human beings.

All this have ofc. made me a very happy man! She don't make me sad. She only makes me more and more happy for every moment I talk with her.

Now the tricky things comes.

I live in Denmark. A very little country right above Germany.
She lives in Brazil. Yep. I have cursed a few times over my luck here. Cause that's just unfair.....

This means no matter how badly I want it, or she want it, we can't just take the train or the car to visit each other. It would require a lot of planning. And even worse, Money.
Not that this will ever stop me though. I would do very strange and even bad things, just to find my girl. Without love there is not really anything to fight or live for. In my universe at least.

I mention this for a reason. I can't touch her hand. I can't feel her stomach or kiss her neck. I think this has an effect to my problem.

So what's the actual problem? Yeah I think you will sigh when you read all this for this answer.

I have stomach pain. And I mean like real pain. Every time I see her smile. Every time I hear her laugh. Every time I imagine myself being with her, I get really brutal stomach pain.
It have gotten so strong, that I sometimes literally fall to the ground and shout or scream in pain. I wish I would have happy love tears, but I have tears from massive pain.
I'm the Edward from "Twilight". I'm the Ted from "How I met your mother". I would do anything to make this work out.
But this have become such a big issue that I can't take care of my normal day life. I have canceled meetings and appointments almost every day now.
It's slowly crushing my life.
The only answer I can come up with, is to never see her again. End this the best way I can try to come up with, and then ofc. struggle for unknown time to get over a broken heart.


I don't know how everything works at this forum. But as you can see, I'm slowly breaking down as a human being.
If anyone has just a fractal of feedback of any kind, you would warm my heart immensely.

thanks and much appreciative in advance,
Thomas

[basilandthyme]

About the best thing I can think of to make you feel better is that when we meet people in real life, they are rarely what we thought they would be. The chemistry when writing rarely relates to real life. While I haven't experienced love online, I've got a long history of having pen pals- and later, e-pals. Even same sex online friendships can become very intense - so I know of the intensity of passion which you describe.

When you say that being honest about how you feel scares people away, perhaps it's not so much an issue of what you say - rather than how you say it. Can you give any examples of things you've said which have scared people off?

How are you going with managing your illness? Do the meds work for you?

[michelle23]

I think you should go to your doctor about this and talk to a professional. I'm not sure we can give you the best advice here. Your illness is quite complicated. A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia and it has totally changed him and his whole life. It must be very difficult for you.

Your stomach pains are probably from anxiety and stress.

Is your medication helping you? Do you get counselling?

[pcmaster]

Its normal how you feel. The problem is your mind is a little weaker than most people - so you expierience love like overdose of drugs. Yeah its killing you but only because you let it. Dont change your life because of it - keep functioning just like you did before, but canceling things or going out of your way will make you feel like you investing - that will only make you more atracted to person. Try to understand that shes just a girl and she take the same smelly shit as you do in toilet. Health is very atractive - in this case you are atracted to her healty brains - something that you dont have yet.

Actually if you will tell her about your dark side - you probaply gona scare her away, but you might have the chance to look at yourself with her eyes and understand better where you stand, where you wana to be in life and what to do to change yourself to a better man that will get you there.

[Amo85]

@basilandthyme

Thanks a lot for the very fast reply!
Everything in my topic lack details I guess.
I have to give you a scenario I think. Will make one up. To answer your question.
A girl sits in front me. And she says I'm cute. Then I see her entire facial expression. Her body language. Everything. How she moves her eyes and head while and after she spoke. I take that and try to figure out the meaning of it.
At the same time I process the words she spoke in a lot of direction. Out from what I remember she have said before and how she said it. How do I respond to this? Then I try combine these feelings with my own history. Remembering scenarios similar to the one I'm experiencing now. Do I need to change my facial expression to meet the best outcome of the situation?
I mean the list goes on. It's a lot of thought process to go through, every time a word is spoken or a facial/body expression is showed from either sides.
With all this thought process, I always end being really honest. I speak directly from heart straight away. I would give a speech on the spot and it would be well thought through.

It's a really hard thing to explain. I did my best though. This does not only occur in front of a girl in an intense moment. It's in front of anyone. But when it's a girl and there is a special chemistry, it becomes too deep and serious. the majority of girls can't and won't handle that honesty so fast.

About the illness.
I was diagnosed many years ago. The entire process of help how been on a long road. I get daily meds ofc. Wouldn't be able to withstand a normal life without it. I have the best treatment you can get in Denmark. I have people visiting me almost everyday to make sure I'm ok and that I take care of myself. The entire subject is taken well care of.

@michelle23

Hi!
I think I answered that question of yours right above. But yes I have good help with the illness. That part of my life have never been better.
Anxiety and stress. My mind is quite absent after I met this girl. Haven't thought about that till now.
How would you deal with anxiety and stress?

@pcmaster

Thank you for that reply. You made a very good description.
So you mean the power over the mind? Like force different feelings into my head?
When I see your feedback, along with the other 2 from basilandthyme and michelle23, I sense I should perhaps take some distance from her? Like only talk with her, and see her on skype in smaller periods of time?


I really appreciate this feedback. From all of you. Thank you so much. Different perspectives and very honest curiosity. Means a lot :-)

Thomas

[pcmaster]

So you mean the power over the mind? Like force different feelings into my head?

What I mean is keep your priorities as they should be and dont let anything to interact with your plans and goals. For example most sucesfull people always take care of themself in first place. Like basic things that everyone knows but sometimes forgets- 8 hours a sleep, 3 meals a day, and exercise. And only then make the most importand thing the most importand thing.

But concentrating only on one thing(like work or person) and sacrificing the basic things(basically sacrificing yourself) will make you uneable to take best care of something else if you cant take care of yourself at the same time. I did this mistake many times and its not worth it. Cause having only one importand thing in life will make you lose all your life when you lose that thing, since theres nothing else existed in the life anyway.

My point is - finding balance between social, financial, and physical health is much better than having just one of these things. Cause if you lose one its not a big deal cause you still will have the other things. And as more you put into something as more value it will have in your mind.

So you felt right about talking with her less. In less dosages you will find that she actually heals not kills.

[Amo85]

That was a very good reply pcmaster.

And I clearly see your points. Makes a lot of sense.
I will defiantly use this.
If you don't mind, I'll post here again in some time, to let you know how things have turned out :-)

I find it funny how love blinds you. I didn't see any of this before you told me.

Thank you so very much :-)

Thomas