He isn't sure what he wants and keeps changing his mind?

[Lubblobba]

I've been in two relationships before this one, both were awful. I got treated terribly but I was so in love and naive I stayed with them until they left me. After the second one, I really collapsed as a person and was so unhappy. I have been with my current boyfriend 15 months, the longest relationship I've had so far. He has his down points, mainly that he upsets me then will blame me for it and get angry at me, which is a massive problem in my eyes and what my previous boyfriends did. However he is far nicer and a better person than they could ever be. I genuinely love him and am the type of person who wants to be with one person forever, however ridiculous that sounds. I really can't deal with people leaving me. I love him and he makes me happy, even though we argue and he upsets me sometimes, but no relationship is perfect. I'm his first serious relationship, and we are only 17 and 18 with him being younger than me.

Since the start of the new year we just suddenly went down hill for no reason. He goes through periods of being uninterested and unloving, and treats me badly when I tell him he's upset me (it's not that he upsets me that's the issue, all he needs to do is say sorry and move on but he would prefer to hurt me more and argue and get angry). However we are 100x better than any relationship I've had before and I'm not up for throwing our hard work and love out the window.

I used to see a therapist and it was good to talk to someone about how I felt. I've suggested many times we do this but he struggles with talking about his feelings, because he doesn't know how he feels.

He doesn't know if he's ever been happy, he doesn't know if I make him happy, he doesn't know how he feels about me or us and sometimes thinks maybe he'd be happier alone, without me. He likes being alone. But I'm sure everyone does sometimes.

Is this a sign that I need to give him space? We go to the same college and were friends for many years before we started going out. He used to see his friends but sees me and rarely sees them. I never really had friends in the first place so time with him just filled that space. I've never just said "don't see them". We've had plenty of arguments about other people. I don't like being put second when I put him first but we agree that we shouldn't ditch each other for friends. That doesn't mean we can't see other people. I occassionally see my old friends, and he's free to meet up with people but like what I faced with my previous relationship, his friends have got the idea that he doesn't want to hang out because he has me. I assume anyway, since they rarely ask to see him. That doesn't mean he can't ask.

We see each other at college, at breaks and free periods but it's more "I'm bored and need to see someone because my life is being wasted away by these free periods". With my previous relationship I was lucky to see my boyfriend once or twice a week because he had such a busy life. My boyfriend now has a busier life than I do but has time to see me too. I like seeing him a lot, though I know it can cause tension and issues out of nowhere. In term time I might see him up to 5 days a week. It might sound a lot but it's literally 2-3 hours an evening just watching tv together mostly. So the minute we have holidays I'm totally up for spending time in the day with him and having fun but it's 4 days in and I've just been told all of this painful stuff. He seemed so happy with me recently. He was so needy and wanted to be affectionate and loving the other day, the most I've ever seen him. He was just so happy and playful and although it was a bit too much it still made me so happy to see him like me so much. But today he tells me he doesn't know what happiness is.

It sounds like how I felt after my last boyfriend left me. I was so depressed and didn't know what I felt. I didn't want to do anything and didn't know my future.
We'd planned to go to universities in the same city so we could be near each other. He now tells me doesn't want to do the subject he has chosen and isn't even sure he wants to go to university. It sounds like he's giving up on us and running away..? Like he's changed his mind suddenly. All of 2012 we saw he each other a lot more, we spent all our time together, we rarely argued, we were so happy. At least I thought so. It was probably the best year of my life thanks to him. But I feel like I mean nothing to him now. He tells me he loves me but isn't sure about anything in his life and hasn't been for months.

I know the arguments have caused stress on our relationship but I'm not sure how to just fix them without talking about them or seeing a therapist to help. We lack so much communication. I have no idea how he feels, what he's thinking. And I can't know because all the reply ever is is "I don't know". Should I give up and walk away, is what we had over? Or do I have to wait for him to find who he is and what he wants? Is this my fault or is it something he needs to figure out about himself rather than about us? Just the other day he seemed so into me and wanted to be with me forever. How can he tell me things one minute, then tell me the opposite literally the next day?

He told me the other night he thought about us just before we started going out and was sad about it. When I think about those times I'm happy I'm with such an amazing person. He must have been happy once if he decided he wanted to be with me? I can't really understand why he has changed his mind. Is it really the arguments? It was far worse with my previous relationships. He just suddenly changed, just after New Year's. He stopped being interested and loving. Since then he's been on and off and whenever he's off I have to ask him to snap out of it and be my boyfriend again, causing arguments. I'm terrified and have no idea what to do. I'll keep fighting for us because it's what I want. He makes me happy and I really want to make him happy. But he doesn't know what makes him happy? I feel so useless to him. Why is he still with me if he's so unsure. If he wants to know if it's better without me he could just leave. He sure seemed happy the last few days with me. I know I can be tough sometimes because I'm so insecure and well I have a right to be seeing as he's so unsure about us! But my past relationships had a bad effect on me and I know I have trust issues which cause arguments and problems. But the first year together seemed fine. If nothing changed, why did he suddenly change. How can he change daily. I will never understand males! I feel like all I can do is wait and leave him alone to decide what he wants. I know that will be painful. I shouldn't stay if he really is unsure about us. I can't believe how happy he makes me but I don't make him happy? He just seems so negative about us. Feel like he's bored of me and wants to move on like all my boyfriends have If he's so unsure and not happy why does he seem so glad to be with me and so loving and enjoys being mine? Nothing makes sense to me.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Get used to this treatment. Until you find a life of your own, and things that you can do to occupy yourself and give you confidence, you're going to keep throwing yourself at the first guy who will take you. They will keep treating you like shit. You will keep accepting it. They will finally get tired and dump you.

[Lubblobba]

So you're telling me to be alone forever.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

So you're telling me to be alone forever.

Wow. That was all you got from that?

I was saying you need to be comfortable on your own, and have a life, independent of the person you are seeing. You need your own friends and hobbies. You need to be confident in yourself or people will walk all over you, as you have seen. People will treat you like shit if you let them. Confidence is what you need to tell yourself that you deserve better. Make sense?

[Lubblobba]

I've never had confidence. I'm not a confident person and past relationships took any confidence I had away from me and I haven't recovered. If I deserve better than him, I should walk away and forget about him forever? Regardless of the fact that isn't me or what I'd do. Because I'd be a mess if I walked away as I'm weak and but don't like giving up on those who I love. I'm not strong enough to leave him and get on with life. I'm nothing without him, not because of him but because of the years before him. He's the only thing I enjoy. Sure I could go out and get hobbies and friends (???) but I'd be faking it. I can't talk to people like I used to, I can't socialise. My friends aren't what they used to be and I can't make new friends. Like I said, I never recovered. The only person who I can be myself with is my boyfriend. Without him well what's the point.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Then the state you are in is a choice, and you're just too lazy to even. Have fun wallowing in your misery.

[basilandthyme]

Hon, your needs are more complex than we amateurs can support. You need to get back to your therapist ASAP and work through this with them.

Is your mother any help to you?

Edited to add: you ask why he's still with you. I suspect it's out of pity. He knows that you will crumble without him and lacks the courage to end it.

[basilandthyme]

Then the state you are in is a choice, and you're just too lazy to even. Have fun wallowing in your misery.

Take it easy BackUp. While the rest of us can easily see the flaws in her thinking, her state of mind is probably NOT a choice. I'd be willing to be that she's a product of her upbringing. Witnessed her mother being abused ...abusive or absent/emotionally absent father/step father. Kids this young don't generally get this screwed up without parental help.

If I've guessed right, it will take years of therapy to undo the role modelling she's been given.

[michelle23]

You are too needy and clingy. You cause argumenta coz your insecure and you want to talk about feelings way too much. Your pushing him away.

You need to work on your self esteem, make some friends and get a hobb or two. If you wana spend lots of time with him-thats fine but you also need other people in your life. He cannot be your everything and he cant be there all the time.

The relationship is way too serious and boring. You question him too much and need reassurance and then blame it on your past. Its not his fault how your exes treated you. Its your fault for putting up with it and allowing them to walk all over you.

You need to sort out your issues, change the way you view life and relationships. Your co-dependant which makes you a doormat and your so afraid of being alone that youll put up with all sorts of crap and allow someone to hurt you which is destructive and unhealthy.

You need to be independent, stand on your own two feet, be strong enough to walk away if someone hurts you and know that you are worth more.

Your only 18. You need to set your standards and expectations high if you ever want to be happy in love. This is all on you. You need to change.

You need to stop fearing being on your own and enjoy being with him. Stop clinging to him like a leech and quit fighting with him if he wants to hang out with friends, or his family or if he needs to study. He doesnt need your permission to do that and as long as he spends adequate time wth you it should not be an issue.

Get a life girl-some friends, hobbies etc. Stop being an annying dependent little girl. Any healthy or sane man will run a mile rom you if your too needy.

And stop sitting on the couch so much with him in front of the tv. How boring. Get outa the house, have fun, meet his friends and their gfs, double date, go clubbing. Have some fun!

[michelle23]

Oh and ill add people will treat you the way you allow them to. Stop taking so much crap from people. Grow a backbone and tell them to **** off if they do something to upset you or make you angry. Change your whole attitude. Life is way to short to be so damn insecure, so afraid of everything.

Why are you so insecure? Your a young woman-look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate what you have to look at. One day youll be old and wrinkly and give anything to go back to the way you look now so quit criticizing yourself, be more confident, walk down the street singing in your head "everybody look at me" lol strut it!

And then start focusing on your good qualities and y you are good enough for your bf, why hes lcky to have you and stop asking him how he feels all the time! If he didnt want you he wouldnt be with you and your constant questions just scream at him "i dont trust you" which is hurtful. If you keep that shit up he will walk straight outa ur life and into someone elses arms and she will be like a breath of fresh air coz she wont constantly reck his head. You need to stop it if u dont want to lose him!

Get some more therapy. You need it!

[meloveulongtime]

Sometimes we become so consumed in our relationship that we forget who we are. We allow our partner to make us happy when in face we are not happy with ourselves hence why it is sooooo important to first to love and be happy with yourself before you can give happiness or love to someone. We also let our insecurities get the best of us and will start thinking something is wrong if we are not receiving the response we want from them. Honestly, go with the flow and quit worrying. If it were meant to be, it'll all work out in its interests. As women, we often feel like we need to know everything and strive to fix it while men tend to just go with whatever they are feeling at the moment.

Relax. Be yourself. And let everything fall into place. One thing I learned in a relationship is, if it's not working out, no matter how much you try to fix it, you're only prolonging and burden the heart ache.

Be strong and believe you deserve better.