Want an opinion

[skypup]

10 years ago my wife reconnected with someone (male) she met in the Navy and knew for only 2 months. He came with his mother to meet us at a hotel lobby in DC when we were visiting. My wife assured me on several occasions they had only been friends. We were looking to move to a warmer climate and decided on a city where he lived. He was married and I will admit I didn't like the way I felt at times when we were around him watching my wife interact. We joined his church and my wife joined two organizations he belonged to. I became a reluctant friend. This guy moved a couple of years ago and I thought their interactions had stopped. When I asked my wife about him she would say she hadn't been in touch. In November my wife had a serious medical situation. She had her phone opened and while I was there she received a message from him in which he used the term sweetheart. This was upsetting to me. When she got home I asked and she told me that they had been lovers many years ago before I ever knew her. I was devastated. My first wife of 21 years became involved with a married man and when she wouldn't stop we divorced and this wife knew I had been betrayed. My wife and I decided our marriage is worth saving and she ceased communicating with this guy. My wife admitted she betrayed me and could not believe she had blinders on. She has expressed sorrow. I believe this situation was not physical.

My wife and I are seeing a Phd. Therapist who likes Jung therapy. Our communications and caring are at new levels. The therapist told me the old situation is over and to move on with it. Last session the subject was brought up and asked if I could accept him in our marriage. I said absolutely not since they both betrayed me. The therapist says I am reacting to old garbage. She told my wife that I do not trust her. She told me that I am playing victim. My wife has the right to chose her friends and not tell me about their past. Now my wife sees this as my problem with her having done nothing wrong. How do others feel about this? Thanks.

[Wakeup]

If you're staying together then you have to put this behind you. You chose to remain in the marriage and you're getting the therapy that will help you to learn to trust her again and get back the emotional connection you need to make your life together a happy one. That being said, then yes I agree with her that you have to forgive and put it in the past and if you can't do that, then you need to leave. To stay and continually punish her or remain feeling a victim.. well then the marriage just won't ever work in a mutually happy anf functional manner.

Its your choice to stay so why not stay and let go so that you can be happy? I'm not saying what she did was right... just saying what you need to accept in order to get by this and continue on happily.

I think keeping him in her life and subsequently yours as well is stretching it and your wife should voluntarily give up this friend for you. The therpist is correct though (IMO) You have no right to demand who she does and doesn't keep in her life. If she won't voluntarily give him up though while knowing how you feel, then I'd leave because she isn't in this marriage the way she should be or in the way that takes your feelings into consideration.

It would be interesting to hear what another therapist would say about keeping him around and you just biting the bullet.

[skypup]

If you're staying together then you have to put this behind you. You chose to remain in the marriage and you're getting the therapy that will help you to learn to trust her again and get back the emotional connection you need to make your life together a happy one. That being said, then yes I agree with her that you have to forgive and put it in the past and if you can't do that, then you need to leave. To stay and continually punish her or remain feeling a victim.. well then the marriage just won't ever work in a mutually happy anf functional manner.

Its your choice to stay so why not stay and let go so that you can be happy? I'm not saying what she did was right... just saying what you need to accept in order to get by this and continue on happily.

I think keeping him in her life and subsequently yours as well is stretching it and your wife should voluntarily give up this friend for you. The therpist is correct though (IMO) You have no right to demand who she does and doesn't keep in her life. If she won't voluntarily give him up though while knowing how you feel, then I'd leave because she isn't in this marriage the way she should be or in the way that takes your feelings into consideration.

It would be interesting to hear what another therapist would say about keeping him around and you just biting the bullet.

I appreciate your reply. She did give up the relationship with him last December. The thing I'm having difficulty with is that my wife and I had a special night. We reaffirmed our love. She told me that she felt lower than pond scum and was sorry for hurting me. She said she had her blinders on and was finally able to see it from my perspective. I accepted that and we have been doing well. In our last session the therapist asked my wife if she was sorry about having this relationship with him and my wife said no. The therapist challenged her to continue the relationship with him and not to let me know. It was her right. I asked her on the way home if that was her plan. I told her not to lie to me as the therapist suggested. I wanted to know her intentions so I could make a decision about us. She said she does not want the relationship, that once was enough. I guess I am upset that she seems to feel vindicated. I never would have done this with one of my past lovers out of sensitivity to my wife. I think we will be fine but I refuse to accept him back into our marriage and my wife cut ties when I told her I would not tolerate it. Our communications have improved and she has been demonstrating her love and caring.

[basilandthyme]

How is her history from before she met you any of your business? Frankly, with the way you've reacted to this, I'm not surprised she didn't tell you about the past.

[Wakeup]

I appreciate your reply. She did give up the relationship with him last December. The thing I'm having difficulty with is that my wife and I had a special night. We reaffirmed our love. She told me that she felt lower than pond scum and was sorry for hurting me. She said she had her blinders on and was finally able to see it from my perspective. I accepted that and we have been doing well. In our last session the therapist asked my wife if she was sorry about having this relationship with him and my wife said no. The therapist challenged her to continue the relationship with him and not to let me know. It was her right. I asked her on the way home if that was her plan. I told her not to lie to me as the therapist suggested. I wanted to know her intentions so I could make a decision about us. She said she does not want the relationship, that once was enough. I guess I am upset that she seems to feel vindicated. I never would have done this with one of my past lovers out of sensitivity to my wife. I think we will be fine but I refuse to accept him back into our marriage and my wife cut ties when I told her I would not tolerate it. Our communications have improved and she has been demonstrating her love and caring.

I'm glad you're both back on track and that she didn't take your therapists advice. Frankly, I'm having a hard time believing that any therapist would suggest such a thing.

Good luck, may you have many more happy years together.

[skypup]

How is her history from before she met you any of your business? Frankly, with the way you've reacted to this, I'm not surprised she didn't tell you about the past.

It isn't and I don't expect it to be. We both had past loves and don't ever care to share those experiences.That is not the issue. The issue is we moved 1700 miles, leaving our families to relocate to a town where her ex lover lived. She knew this guy for a total of 8 weeks earlier in life and decided to rekindle that relationship and let it grow for 10 years. She lied to me and informed me that they had only ever been friends, on several occasions. You cannot have slept with someone and not have special feelings. I would never seek one of my past lovers of a 2 month duration and want to re connect with that person and begin a 10 year relationship while in a committed relationship. She asked me to befriend this guy and they both betrayed my trust that they had only been friends. If my wife would have told me that she had an ex lover of 2 months who she wanted to reconnect with and have a long term relationship I would never had agreed to that arrangement. I guess if I am to accept him then she should feel comfortable with me reconnecting with my ex wife and become her friend and join organizations with her since it is a simple friendship.

I found this in my research.
Nancy Kalish, author of the book "Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romance," says that most people begin looking for these lost loves fairly innocently, just for curiosity. In her estimation, these online romances pose the greatest risk to real-world relationships. If the person sought out online is a past love from the adolescent years that may be the greatest risk. Her argument is that it is these early years where we are biologically most prepared to mate, but we don't do this because socially we want to wait longer to settle down. This biological love connection we may have with another person is imprinted in our brain and makes the urge that much stronger when we become connected with them again. In other words, the urge is that much stronger to pursue infidelity.

Her advice is to make a rule to never contact old loves, understanding who they were is not who they are today.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It's all bullshit. Your therapist is a moron. Do you trust your wife? Can you forgive her?

Personally, I don't think you should trust her. You just seem like a real schmuck to be honest. Maybe you just deserve it.

[VerticalMoon]

Are you sure the therapist told your wife to keep her friendship with the guy a secret from you? First of all, I'm having a hard time believing that any therapist would ever say that to someone. Secondly, if he wanted it to be a secret, why would he mention it right in front of you? Maybe he told her not to get into some details with you if it would get you worked up, but I can't imagine him telling her to keep the whole thing a complete secret from you. If he really did, then you should find a new therapist. But you might want to go over things and be sure that's what he actually said before you do.

I can tell you what the therapist might be thinking because I was wondering the same thing myself. You're treating this situation just as though she'd had an emotional affair. However, you haven't really mentioned anything which would indicate that this was necessarily the case. I've read dozens of posts on-line about people who'd had emotional affairs. The things you've mentioned between him and her seem pretty innocent compared to all of that. If that's all you have to base it on, I wouldn't necessarily assume that their relationship was at this level. Could it be that because of what you went through with your ex-wife you're being overly sensitive?

A lot of people do connect back up with past loves and end up in emotional affairs. Other people reconnect with their exes after a while and end up as just friends. The difference is did they keep things a secret from you? Was she being less intimate with you because of him? Were they feeling the need to contact each other constantly? Were they often talking about their feelings each other? If the answer to these questions is no, then it was likely just a friendship.

Since this bothers you so much, I think you need to continue discussing this in therapy until you've reached a resolution. If you continue to feel uncomfortable with the way the therapist is treating the situation, then search for a new one. But it sounds as though they have helped you in the past. So maybe try to keep an open mind and be sure you're not misconstruing what they're saying before giving up. Good luck.