Sudden break up yesterday. Sad and confused.

[Forrester.080]

Just give her some time and time will tell. I won't expain more because you're confused now.

[v_dude]

We met tonight. Just came back home. Played a game of pool, then talked. Openly - I started this. About our relationship, thoughts, feelings, plans, interspersed with random stuff. I got her to open up more too. She also admitted that she always found it hard to express her deep feeling and emotions to people, like me. All the while, I was trying to make a move on her. I ended up holding her hand on her leg,with the other hand holding her back. Stroking her face. But...no more. She wouldn't allow to be kissed - nowhere near it.

The gist of what emerged from the conversation is the following. She had a great time with me before; all my best memories were hers too. She vividly remembered some great moments I recalled. She loved spending time with me. But, sometime in january, she felt something was off, something was not quite right. She said she still doesn't know what it is - maybe sometime later she will. According to her, it had nothing to do with my words/actions - she was with guys who displayed much less affection than I did. Her visit back home at the end of February reassured her that she has to go back, and thus reinforced her thoughts that she wants to part with me. Yes, the reason why she was staring at me so much when we were in bed together the last time was because she decided it was over at that point.

She apologised for breaking-up so suddenly with me. She was surprised that I did not feel it coming - as she said, she thought I would have felt that our relationship stared to decline in January. Of course, I did not suspect anything until it blew up in my face two weeks ago. She asked me again "not to dissappear off the face of the earth", to let her know how I am. One of the previous guys she used to see, became a good friend apparently.

At the end, I did state that the communication lines are open, and told her to think everything over. But, as she said, "I can only offer friendship for the future". "I asked her to send a picture of her to me, and I'd send her mine in return. She agreed. Of course, she did say, laughing, at the end "so how many girls have you picked up on the street like this?". Apparently our meeting made a fascinating story to tell to her friends back home! So this is how we parted ways: on good, open terms.

Did I act needy this evening? Sure - trying to kiss her, giving her compliments, keeping the hugs linger for way too long. But so what? She is human, she is smart and sincere. She understands emotions. I will email her my picture soon. Then I will not communicate with her for quite some time (hopefully). If we stay friends/acquaintances, thats great. She is a nice, sensitive girl. Now I just have to try to forget her, and all the great memories of last summer.

This girl provided the best overall combination of good fun times /sex/conversation I ever had. I only had two long relationships ever - with her, and with another girl (for a year and a half). I can't help but think she may have felt my constant longing for more sexual partners, variety. In the end, I did not attain either desires: nor variety, nor continuing happy relationship with this girl. That is what saddens me the most.

The other 6 girls I had sex with, were all one-night flings abroad on holiday (except one chick who I met back here in London, but that lasted for about 3 months, before I broke it off). In several months, I may well have to leave UK to go to do a PhD abroad in a very small country, where I would not have a chance to meet all these great, various women from all the countries of the world. And I would be almost 30 by the time I finish. That is the most dishearting part.

Just wanted to air my thoughts here.

[Valixy]

In some way you've just added a different dimension to the relationship you both had by being open and entering the realm of feelings and like you say, she could only appreciate that you showed so much interest in her when things were ending. If she has found it difficult to forget you until now and this would be only natural just like it has happened to you, she will probably have to struggle even harder after your last encounter. Maybe you are just on different paths and the moment was not right anymore but one never really knows what the future holds.

When you feel better about this, you'll probably to be able to project more excitement towards your plans for the future too

[searock]

She was surprised that I did not feel it coming - as she said, she thought I would have felt that our relationship stared to decline in January. Of course, I did not suspect anything until it blew up in my face two weeks ago.

Classic... generally, for a girl the relationship is over a long time before she tells her partner - we want to make sure first, especially if we care about our partner. The guy is almost always clueless (which just proves the fact that he "doesn't understand us", so we did the right thing by breaking up with him).

I'm glad you got to talk with her and heard with your own ears that she isn't into you any more, this way your moving on process will be faster. Don't worry about moving to a small country, love finds us when we least expect it :-).

[v_dude]

Classic... generally, for a girl the relationship is over a long time before she tells her partner - we want to make sure first, especially if we care about our partner. The guy is almost always clueless (which just proves the fact that he "doesn't understand us", so we did the right thing by breaking up with him).

Oh, so you a girl! I didn't realise.

Actually, I did feel that she was a bit more cool towards me (physically) from the very start of March. The next time we met, she was yet again a touch more cooler, and the next time - the conversation two weeks ago. happened. Its just that she said it was a phase of hers, so I didn't worry about it. Also the fact that we did not see each other often, once a week typically, meant I could not notice shifts in her moods well enough. Our phone communication was exactly the same untill we met two weeks ago. But I definitely did not feel anything change as early as January.

Anyway, the stream of internet articles by puas such David DeAngelo has completely killed my faith in normal open hearted relationships. As the prevalent notion seems to be is that all women would always lose attraction the moment you start behaving "like a wuss", start showing a glimmer of hesitation or indecisiveness.

I can't help but think I also started to display these traits over the last couple of months. Maybe things like when I would lift her up and hold her in my hands, walk about the room and then ask "where shall I put you?", or taking several seconds longer to decide where to sit in the pub... Trivial things like that. Maybe these little issues caused her to lose the feeling gradually, without her even suspecting what is specifically was. Actually, being in two-minds/hesitant to make a fast decision are definite strong character traits of mine. I never displayed anything major though - there was no cause for that to surface.

After all, I definitely know I lost girls before by showing indecisiveness. But that was different. I wasn't in relationship with them, we only went on one or two dates.

What do you think? Is this what everything was really about? Man...

[v_dude]

Remembered something important. I have phimosis (tight foreskin). She went on the pill sometime ago - I don't remember when, maybe December, maybe later. So when we would have sex, my foreskin would get quickly trapped behind the glans, and I'd have to stop. This would happen sooner in some positions than others. Ironically precisely because of this problem, I was unable to come, and would continue for a very long time. So I don't think that the duration of the intercourse was an issue for her. I did say something like "I want to come inside you, but I cannot..." a couple of times. Of course, prior to her going on the pill, it wasn't such a problem anyway.

Maybe this snag in the sexual relations that we had was the downfall? But surely then she would talk to me about it, and I said that I will try to consult a surgeon about this sometime in the forthcoming few months. Yesterday, she assured me that the break up is not because of something I did, or did not do. On the other hand, she is introverted, so maybe even yesterday she was unable to disclose her feeling on this.

Reckon I should ask her about it in an email? Although she most likely wouldnt give me the honest answer.

Am I reading to much into this? just really want to find the reason behind her feelings.

[Valixy]

While reflecting about the relationship you two had is only natural and even positive, I think that you should stop torturing yourself trying to find ''the answer''. Sometimes there simply isn't a clear one, feelings are complex and different circumstances that have nothing to do with the relationship can play an important part too. Maybe the main factor for her has been not being able to see herself continuing to live for much longer in England and deciding to go back home. Your relationship is part of a world that she's been doubting for some time as being the right place for her, so inevitably and probably unconsciously she distanced herself from the romance until her decision was made and she cut ties voluntarily in order to make things easier for herself and be able to proceed with her new plan.

If the lack of a deeper romantic aspect had been the problem as I first thought, she would have responded to your new approach, so you can feel at peace with that. Have no doubt though that you have been as important to her as her to you but she simply stopped feeling fully compatible with the world you two were sharing and there is nothing you could have done about that. An honest girl like her would have told you otherwise.

[searock]

Anyway, the stream of internet articles by puas such David DeAngelo has completely killed my faith in normal open hearted relationships. As the prevalent notion seems to be is that all women would always lose attraction the moment you start behaving "like a wuss", start showing a glimmer of hesitation or indecisiveness.

PUA culture is a big pile of sh*t. My boyfriend is affectionate and loving, and I feel loved all the time and this is what makes me happy and serene with him, what makes me want to be with him for a LONG time. Playing stupid games won't get you anywhere, you better keep this in mind for your next relationship. Be spontaneous and honest and you will find spontaneous and honest girls who will love you for just the way you are. Play games, and you'll find girls who play games themselves.

I can't help but think I also started to display these traits over the last couple of months. Maybe things like when I would lift her up and hold her in my hands, walk about the room and then ask "where shall I put you?", or taking several seconds longer to decide where to sit in the pub... Trivial things like that. Maybe these little issues caused her to lose the feeling gradually, without her even suspecting what is specifically was. Actually, being in two-minds/hesitant to make a fast decision are definite strong character traits of mine.

No, I don't think it was this. I think you just weren't her "type", so there was nothing you could have done differently that would have made her stay. However, if she was actually in love with you at some point, the fact that you weren't decisive in showing her your feelings for her may have led her to close up to you, eventually to the point of breaking up. Maybe it was these two factors combined: on one hand she didn't think you were her type, on the other hand she sensed that you were emotionally distant from her, so in the end it was best to break up.

ìIronically precisely because of this problem, I was unable to come, and would continue for a very long time. [...] I did say something like "I want to come inside you, but I cannot..." a couple of times.

Having sex with a guy who is unable to come is pretty frustrating. But this fact by itself is NOT the reason she broke up with you. She broke up because you weren't her type - if you had been her type (i.e. you had been another person), she would have talked to you about it etcetera. So I repeat: there was nothing you could have done differently that would have made her stay.

No, you shouldn't contact her about the break up anymore. It will not bring you closure, if that's what you think. You need to move on.

[v_dude]

[QUOTE=searock;890545]

No, I don't think it was this. I think you just weren't her "type", so there was nothing you could have done differently that would have made her stay. However, if she was actually in love with you at some point, the fact that you weren't decisive in showing her your feelings for her may have led her to close up to you, eventually to the point of breaking up. Maybe it was these two factors combined: on one hand she didn't think you were her type, on the other hand she sensed that you were emotionally distant from her, so in the end it was best to break up.\[QUOTE]

Yeah... Although she is introverted anyway and as she said,. doesnt open up often. Me being a bit distant: that is true, but at I am tender too. She said that anyway in her text "I knew you cared..."

Deep down I also sensed that on some level, we were not the best match. We had moments when we had some pauses in the conversation; she seemed a bit too sensitive sometimes and too little playful/adventurous... But then the other moments were fantastic.

I think I probably overwhelmed her with the feelings discussion, so maybe she felt unable to reciprocate straight away. Time will tell.

I send her the email yesterday with my picture and wrote a few sentences about last night's meeting, this and that, for closure. Asked for her picture, didn't get a reply yet.

[michelle23]

OP you should go to the doctor and get circumcised if its interfering with sex or if it hurts you. Im not saying that had anything to do with the breakup but you should do it for yourself anyway so you can enjoy sex

[pcmaster]

LOL good one, Michelle.

OP how can you write something like this? Does it even matter? I would stretch my foreskin over my forehead from shame if I was you.

[michelle23]

I was being serious. Why suffer?

[pcmaster]

Lately everything makes me laught. Its like OP was talking about realtionship and then out of blue his foreskin shows up. Like it matters at all after everything that happened emotionaly.

[searock]

I send her the email yesterday with my picture and wrote a few sentences about last night's meeting, this and that, for closure. Asked for her picture, didn't get a reply yet.

As I said, you won't get "closure" by contacting her again about the break up. You shouldn't have sent that email. Now whether she replies or not (hopefully for both of you she won't), you should stop contacting her and move on. You are the only one who can give yourself closure.

It just wasn't meant to be.

[searock]

Lately everything makes me laught. Its like OP was talking about realtionship and then out of blue his foreskin shows up. Like it matters at all after everything that happened emotionaly.

Michelle specifically said "Im not saying that had anything to do with the breakup but you should do it for yourself anyway so you can enjoy sex", and I think she's right.