Sudden break up yesterday. Sad and confused.

[v_dude]

Hi. Yesterday I had my first ever real break-up, and I feel the need to type all this, since I’m feeling rather down at the moment and need to vent, and hopefully obtain some advice.

I’m 26, live in London, England.

Last June I met a girl during randomly on a street in London. She was very much my type. 25 years old. Of course, she was a foreigner here – she only moved to London from her native Meditteranean in late 2011. We hit it off, and ended up seeing each other. I’d see her on average once or twice per week, usually sleeping at her/my place virtually everytime . Many obligations did not allow us to meet more often. We always got on well, had good intimate moments and bedside conversations on many things. Never had any drama, not even close. From what I’ve seen, she is genuine, intelligent, mature type, not prone to games. I never bought her flowers, declared my love for her, or any made other very overt romantic gestures (I’m quite a reserved guy in these matters). I gave her a couple of minor gifts, but purely because I wanted to make a nice gesture. Smooth sailing overall until this March.

Recently one night when we were out, I noticed that she was a touch distant and distracted, I put it down to her job demands. The next time we met, during/post sex, and the morning after, she acted strangely: looking deep into my eyes for a long time, long silences, as if she wanted to say something, or expected me to. Then that day she texted me something like “sorry about last night, I was feeling odd for a while”. I said that she shouldn’t think about it, and forgot about this myself. After this, I haven’t seen her for over a week (her friends were visiting and so on), but we would exchange texts occasionally, as always.

We met last evening. Talked in a pub. It transpired that she decided to go back to her home country in 6 months/a year or so. In brief, she said that she came to London with the intention of going back anyway, but now it became definite. She strongly misses her closest friends, her family, ageing parents, the sun, and so on. According to her, “I deserve more” and she cannot give me that. I responded that I’m happy with the status quo, but she said she either wants to move forward or backward, no standing still. She said that “we had a high point around this xmas/January, but it’s been down recently. Did you notice I was acting odd last few times? If we continue sleeping together, it would be continually downhill like this. Do you really want that? My mind is on other things (home) now.”

To her suggestion that we still see each other in the future on a friendly basis, I said ”I think I made my thoughts about us clear” meaning that if we meet again, it would on sexual, not friendly terms, to which she replied “so I will never see you again?” I didn’t answer, she started crying, I cuddled her and she calmed down... We kissed during the conversation as well at some point. Then I walked her to the train station, holding hands... Now, I kinda went back on my word that we won’t meet again – I assured her “we have each other contact details, feel free to call, text or whatever”, to which she said she will. I dropped the line "you'll probably change the mind about us..." to which she replied "unlikely, once I make my decision, I dont go back..." She kissed me twice again passionately and we parted.

Now I’m feeling like maybe it was partly me who contributed to the situation - I remember, recently, maybe at the start of this month, she said once to me post-sex, "we've been together for nine months. Thats quite a long time..." I kinda ignored it, saying its not that long in the grand scheme of things, or similar. She said a similar thing once we reached a six month mark too. Maybe that was her way of hinting that she expects me to say something more amorous to her, to express my feeling more, show how much she means to me? I also kinda ignored valentine's day, (we met the following day, since it would be easier for us as it would fall on a weekend). I did not give her flowers or declare my love... I did however buy her a book, which meant a lot to me; I generally like useful intellectual gifts. She really enjoys reading it... But still, I think she prob wanted a touch more. For some deep internal cause, I feel awkward expressing my true feelings for a person, and naturally I appear quite detached, although deep inside this is not so.

What to do now (apart from moving on?) Any chance to rescue the situation? I see three things:

1. Ask her for a drink next week and talk again (her family are with her this easter)
2. Wait it out with 3 weeks or more, no contact and then meet up with her for the talk.
3. Wait it out for a few weeks, get back in touch, and try to let the connection happen again casually

Any advice? Thank you guys in advance!

[michelle23]

Id say she wanted you to tell her you love her and you never did.

[searock]

Id say she wanted you to tell her you love her and you never did.

This may be true, but then, she should have said so. Not explicitly "I want you to tell me you love me" but she could have said "I'd like it if you were a bit more romantic sometimes".

Anyway, I think the main problem is that for her, this relationship was never meant to be long-lasting. She always knew she would have moved back to her country one day. Maybe she could have changed her mind, if she had been blown away by "True Love" or something, but the truth is, it didn't happen. They weren't right for each other, she wasn't/isn't in love with him, IMO.

OP, I think that if you want to contact her again, you should at the very least tell her that you are in love with her. Don't wait, do it now. She has to know that you feel so passionately and intensely about her that you are unable to resist the wait - she will appreciate it IF she is in love with you. If she isn't, then there was nothing you could have done anyway, and at least you will have given it a try.

If she refuses to get back together with you, do NOT contact her again. That's all.

[v_dude]

Thanks for the replies so far.

To michelle: what d'you think of her looking, or rather staring deeply into my eyes a number of times the last time we were together? I don't remember that behaviour from her before. She attributed this to one of her moods she is in sometimes, but maybe there was another reason - she wanted me to say something, but I never did? On the other hand, she said to me before that she was accused of being rather unemotional and cold-hearted by previous partners. Also, by her general behaviour, she did not strike me as an overtly emotiona-romantic type girl. As she sais herself, she is more of a "tom-boy". Confusing!

Searock: I don't usually plan if the relationship would be brief or long term. I am not from UK originally, and as a matter of fact I may well have to leave London and move abroad myself in around 6 months (I never told her this before, until last night's discussion). What puzzles me, is why she decided to terminate this right now, when she will still be here for quite a while at least? Also, she knows that people do have long-distance relationships to, if they really mean to stay together, so moving away may not always be an excuse. In any case, as I said, right now I'd be happy with the status quo, not worrying what happens in a year's time.

[searock]

what d'you think of her looking, or rather staring deeply into my eyes a number of times the last time we were together? I don't remember that behaviour from her before. She attributed this to one of her moods she is in sometimes, but maybe there was another reason - she wanted me to say something

Wrong. She wanted to tell you something: she wanted to tell you that it's over.

I don't usually plan if the relationship would be brief or long term.

But she did, in this case. She knew all along (after getting to know you for a while) that you two wouldn't have lasted.

What puzzles me, is why she decided to terminate this right now, when she will still be here for quite a while at least?

Because she isn't in love with you and she sees no point in continuing a relationship with a man whom:
a) she isn't in love with;
b) she won't be able to be with in the long run anyway.

She wants her freedom in the remaining months she's staying in London.

However, I still think you should contact her and declare your love for her (if it is what you feel). You need to at least give it a try, in the remote chance that she really did break up with you because you never told her you love her (I don't think it is the case, but if you don't give it a try you will regret it later).

[michelle23]

Its possible that she is just not feeling it. people dont break up for no reason. There is a reason and its probably because she is not that into you or doesn't see a future with you.

If you dragged this out for another year and then had to part ways it would just hurt even more plus it sounds like you were kinda just **** buddies anyway. you met up once a week for sex

[v_dude]

Yeah, I appreciate that were we not deeply in love. Of course. We were mere than just f**kbuddies though. We were too intimate...She has a rather heavy work schedule, and then she also goes out with her friends to dinner gatherings and so on. She invited me before, but dinners/similar activities are not really my thing, especially since virtually all her friends are from her country, and I would feel a touch out of place. I don't mind being nonattached now too, really. What do you think if I raise this possiblity with her - just having no-strings arrangements?

I am still wondering if I expressed my emotions and showed my affectionate romantic side more, would it have been different? I dont think I love her, but I do like her - a lot. I am out of touch with my emotions anyway, "feeling love" is a rather strange concept for me.

The main question for me is this: should I wait a bit before contacting her, especially given that for the next several days she is busy with her relatives? I don't think I will lose anything by withholding communication till next mid week at least, even if she expected me to say that I love her. Unless she sends a message first... Correct strategy?

[Valixy]

I also think that you should try to contact her soon and be open about your feelings. Girls don't tend to get a better perspective if the guy waits for a few weeks until he speaks again, they think it's indifference. She did say that she needs to feel that she is moving 'forward or backward, no standing still'. Her life in England might have reached the point where she feels that she is not progressing anymore and she would at least need to see some perspective in your relationship maybe. You should approach her and hopefully what you'll have to say it will make her and both of you happy.

[v_dude]

What confuses me as well is how we parted: holding hands/kissing. Any insights on this?

[michelle23]

I think you answered your own question there. You had opportunities to spend time with her other then once a week for sex and you turned them down coz its not "your thing" maybe she feels used and needs a real relationship

[v_dude]

Michelle, as I said, she had a heavy work schedule. Sure, she did suggest we should go out somewhere more often. But she would often work from 9am to 9pm or even much later on some days. Then her friends would also visit quite often. We did spend time other than sex together: went out to cinema, walks, drinks... We'd have sex afterwards, ha. I invited her to watch a play couple of times in the last two weeks (but she couldnt make it, see?). If she felt something is missing, she could have expressed it verbally much earlier on.

[Valixy]

Why does it confuse you? Because it was romantic and you could feel there was love and tenderness from both of you? Maybe you're beginning to realise that you really like this girl and and the year you spent together, the nice comfortable encounters ended up meaning more even for you?... Forming a love bond that you were unaware of and discovering now?... This is great! Just make sure you'll tell her too

[michelle23]

Maybe you should just tell her how you feel and give it one last shot and see what she says

[Boisdevie]

I'd say make a romantic gesture. With the way the southern European countries are going at the moment why not buy her a small island? I hear Cyprus might be got quite cheap.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You were right not to accept her friendship offer. Don't let her use your feelings against you. Go no contact and start moving on. If she wants to continue the relationship as it was, then hear her out, otherwise ignore her. Ignore her and she'll be back, she's already shown her hand.