Relationship at a crossroad

[loveagain]

I think this is one for a woman's perspective.

I met someone new last summer, though we kept our distance because I was going through a bad breakup (had nothing to do with her, the woman I was dating for over 2 years went through a personal crisis and no longer saw her future with me) then dating casually, seeing each other now and then, not seeing each other for weeks, dating other people, until things started to get more serious before Christmas and then agreed to be exclusive.

I'm a little past my mid-40's, she'll be 40 later this year. I have 2 children she has 1 - in the 11 to 15 age range. She is the sweetest, most loving woman I've ever dated. I know she truly loves me. It's a bonus that the intimacy is the best I've ever had - incredible sex.

Here's the crux, when we started seeing each other she said she regretted never having a second child, but had dealt with that subject and moved on. About a month ago she started bringing it up again, expressing her bitterness toward her husband who promised her for 6 years they'd have another baby as soon as he finished graduate school, then packed his things and walked out on her. She wants a little girl - she gets along great with my daughter, but she's 15 and not hers. She is afraid of the empty nest - though I tell her that we will have each other. It's been brought up several times by her, and I've told her I can't see having another child where I am in my life now, and if things changed where I felt comfortable (financial issues, etc.) doing it, I'm pushing things with my age (I have an ex-brother in law who is in his 60's and has a 2 year old, he's a great dad, but I don't want that) and she is too (greater health risks with a woman being pregnant over 40.)

I've been thinking for awhile that I need to let her go so she can find someone who loves her and is open to more children. I think that if I keep convincing her to stay, and she continues to have this desire, she will come to resent me. So today we spent some time together and decided to take a break while she works thing out with her need to have another child, and I decide where I want to be long term.

* I think she's not sure that I'm committed for the long run. I feel that if I contact to reassure her that I am, it will unduly influence her decision - - which she has to make on her own. On other hand, I feel that if I don't let her know, she will feel that I'm really not. As a woman, do you want space to make this decision or reassurance that the man you love will be there for you?

* I am starting to think I could genuinely keep the door open to having another child. I do love children, and I'm a good dad, maybe a better one with maturity. The thought has crossed my mind to call her up and say I will work hard (we will work together) for one year (to pick a time limit) to get my life on track so that we can try to have a baby. Does she want to hear this, or will it come across to her that I'm saying this now just to hold onto her? remember she has trust issues from her ex-husband in this regard.

She promised she will get back to me by the end of this week to let me know where she is on her feelings about the matter. Said stay in touch, but i said I might say hi, but give her space to sort it out on her own. So, should I stick with this?

[michelle23]

40 is not old to have a child. medicaly its considered a risk but i do not a lot of women who have had kids at this age.

the question is: do you want a baby? yes or no? its a big decision and what if the kid is a boy? will she want another one?

dont make promises you cannot keep. you cant predict the future and you dont no 100% that your always gonna want to be with this woman. nobody can give you a solid answer on what the next ten years could bring.

[basilandthyme]

Does she know if she's still fertile? I stopped ovulating regularly when I was in my mid-late 30's.

It's one thing to agree to a child - but given her age, it's a good chance you'll have to go through the stress (financial and emotional) of IVF. I know very few women of that age who've conceived naturally. Are you up for the demands of IVF? It's not for the faint hearted.

If you do agree to having another child, make sure you discuss the odds of infertility and discuss the approaches you'd both take.

[loveagain]

Does she know if she's still fertile? I stopped ovulating regularly when I was in my mid-late 30's.

It's one thing to agree to a child - but given her age, it's a good chance you'll have to go through the stress (financial and emotional) of IVF. I know very few women of that age who've conceived naturally. Are you up for the demands of IVF? It's not for the faint hearted.

If you do agree to having another child, make sure you discuss the odds of infertility and discuss the approaches you'd both take.

very good questions. she questions whether she is even still fertile, and she has a "bad" case of PCOS which makes me think it's even less likely on top of her age. I think if I said yes, and we tried and it didn't happen she would OK to to say "we tried" and move on, or try the adoption route rather than IVF. But something that would need be be discussed.

[loveagain]

I think I'm clouding the issue. Here's a question for the women: if you are trying to decide whether you need to pursue your desire to have another child and have told your man you need to figure that out on your own, and you aren't sure he is committed (child or not) for the long term, would you rather he leave you alone to work things out for yourself about trying for another child, or would you rather he step up and tell you he is committed for the long term?