Been in a relationship for 6 years and I've got a problem.

[sickntired]

Here's how it all started:

My girlfriend and I met in High School, she's the first girl I ever dated and I'm happy about the fact. It's been six years and we're still great together and care for one-another just as much now as we did when we first got together.

All through my time that I knew her in high-school, she was very active and fit -she was on the cheerleading squad and also made a point to jog for a mile or two every other day. She also ate about half as much as I did at the time consistently (as a growing teenage boy, I ate a ridiculous amount... so in no way am I saying she starved herself.) She was very keen on staying in shape essentially.

My problem is... in the six years we've been together.. She's stopped exercising altogether, begun eating more than I do at mealtime (which is a substantial amount), and essentially gained over fourty pounds of fat -which is a goodly amount for any average woman.. but her being just under 5'1, it really shows. Every year she does the same thing; near summertime we end up watching a movie, and in this movie there's an actress that's in great shape (naturally).. and my girlfriend spouts off "this summer I'm going to look like that again!" -getting my hopes up.. and then proceeds to put on a few more pounds by the end of the summer, just crushing my hopes.

Emotionally, we're a perfect match. We love each other and are content to be together for the rest of our lives. Physically... every year I feel less and less physically attracted to her -which makes me feel terrible, because I very much so love her with all my heart.

The worst part is, we've talked about it... too many times to count now. She knows how I feel and she just continues getting my hopes up and shooting them down each year.

I've tried only buying healthy food, doing all of the cooking and house work because she used to say she "just didn't have time" to exercise. I exercise regularly and encourage her to join me week in and and week out -to no avail. I take care of the pets, I buy the groceries, I clean the house, I do ALL of the cooking while she sits around all day reading or watching the latest American-idol-esque tv-show.

After six years.. I'm genuinely upset. She doesn't take in to account how I feel about her putting on weight, she says she's going to get back in to shape every year and then just doesn't, I've even made compromises with her where she's PROMISED to start exercising again and then outright never made an effort, all while I hold up my end of the deal!

To me this is lying. When I promise to do something, and proceed to never once follow through with that promise, I consider myself a liar. Six years of this has just made me very, very frustrated.. and she's now recently told me she wants to "get it on" more -while the only reason that doesn't happen more often is... well.

Frankly, we've talked about it and she knows how I feel about the matter. I feel like I've made a ton of effort to be positive and to take stress off her shoulders so exercising wouldn't seem so daunting... and I'm just getting nothing in return.


So yeah, this is what's been going on -anyone have any ideas? Feedback? Am I being unfair, I feel like I'm being perfectly fair.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're being completely fair. You're entitled to and should be attracted to your partner. Dump her and find a girl you're attracted to.

[basilandthyme]

Sickntired before I launch in with constructive criticism, I want to say I HEAR YOU. And it's really crap being with someone who you're not physically attracted to.

The criticism:

1. You're getting too involved in her health plan. Thing is, weight loss will only be successful if it's what SHE wants. If she does it for you, her heart won't be in it and she'll only fail. So, all these promises and deals you are making are pointless.

2. She's not lying to you. Lying is deception intended to gain advantage - and this isn't what she's doing. Instead, what she's doing is sharing her dreams of weight loss with you. And she's probably also feeling bullied and pressured by you as well - hence telling you what you want to her in order to make you back off.

3. STOP doing all the housework. Besides the fact that she's not using the time to exercise....she needs to be a contributor to the household. This must include cooking, cleaning, pets etc etc. However, when you tell her that she needs to step up, don't say "I gave you this time to exercise and you're not using it.....". Instead, say "I'm feeling overwhelmed doing all the work and I need your help".

4. Why is she sitting on her backside all day? Why isn't she working? Frankly, if she's sitting around reading magazines all day - then she has time to do housework. If you're working, then she should be doing ALL the housework.

5. You seem to be taking her weight issues personally. You talk about being "lied to" and that you're being "fair". Thing is, her weight is not about you. Yes, it's true that your relationship may suffer because of her attitude - but you need to stop making this about you

6. Does she have any emotional issues? Your description of her makes me wonder if she's got depression or another type of issue happening. This could well be a factor in her lack of motivation to keep fit and healthy.

Lastly, you may have to make a 'stay or go' decision. Please, start by changing your approach and see if it makes a difference. Expect nothing less than her being a contributor to the household.....but if it still doesn't work, then you'll have to accept this this is who she is and then decide if you should stay or go.

Edited to add: if she really wants to make a change (as opposed to you wanting her to make a change) she could probably use some counselling by someone who can get to the bottom of her lack of motivation and possible eating for comfort.

[michelle23]

my boyfriends brother has a weight problem. he comfort eats and its to help him cope with stress. his mother never stops nagging him about it-i mean never and my bf joins in some times talking about his health, giving all sorts of advice but basically all they are doing is crushing his self esteem more, making him feel like shit and then he goes home and eats again-a load of junk food. iv told them a million times to leave him alone, its his life, his body and hell do it for himself if he wants to.

the reality is your not attracted to your gf. stop comparing who she is now to who she was when you met her. most teenage girls have dainty tiny bodies but its not until they turn 19/20 that there true weight/build etc starts to show. she may never change and you need to accept that. shes 5"1. most tiny people have issues with their weight. i dont know why but i know a lot of people that small who are overweight.

anyway she has let herself go. shit happens. time to leave i think.you cant be with someone who turns you off to the point that sex becomes a big effort and without sex your just good friends

[Wakeup]

Start hanging pinups of really hot models on your bedroom ceiling.

[olb30]

I have been in your situation before. Or in a similar one.

My girlfriend (Now ex) was slowly gaining weight, to a point where I was beginning to notice and it was a starting to become abit of a turn off.

She would start a new diet every month only to last a week, and she really didn't do any exercise.


I slowly touched on the subject, rather delicately. I explained how I noticed that she had been gaining weight and I know how much she wanted to loose it.

I offered to help her keep motivated to loose the weight, because I knew she was desperate to get into figure.

Well...

It didn't go down to well.

She became incredibly insecure about her weight. Even though I assured her I loved her, and found her beautiful, she blamed me more than was fair on her insecurities.

One of the reasons she dumped me was because 'I made her feel fat', when I was only looking out for her best interests and trying to be fair about my own as I am in pretty good shape.

So all I can say is.... Be CAREFUL about this subject. It might mess with her abit. Girls can be so insecure, so approach the subject very very delicately.

Drop hints. Work out yourself, cook healthy meals for you, offer to go to the gym with her.

Just be careful .

[eauto1212]

Dude, I'm sorry. I have been in the same exact position as you. It's like you are putting your needs related to desire on the backburner for someone who could (in your mind) easily fix the situation. Well, the reality is, it's not all that easy, but that's not an excuse. Bro, you need to put yourself first. From the sound of it, you are a genuine nice guy who believes in love and not throwing in the towel, hence the 6 years in. You don't want to be seen as a shallow Hal, right? Trust me, no matter what, it will not end well if you let thing continue the way that it has. Only a crazy person would continue doing the same thing and expect different results. If you are not getting all you want out of the relationship physically, then you should leave. By not leaving, all you are doing is building up resentment in yourself and she will also resent you and internalize it.

A last ditch approach you can try us the ultimate ultimatum which is to move out and stay out until she changes her lifestyle. If she cares enough about you and the relationship, she will make the necessary changes. If she won't, then there's your answer. Let her go find a chubby chasing guy that doesn't mind dating big girls. There's a lot if them out there, but you are not one of them.

[smackie9]

Dude her weight gain is a symptom, so is her being lazy, her lack of effort to do anything. Most people who over eat and have a lack enthusiasm to take care of themselves and their household are people who are unhappy.......she has been emotionally disconnecting herself from your relationship all this time. I think the break up has been delayed long enough.

[michelle23]

Ya I agree with that. I think how people feel on the inside shows on the outside. Maybe shes just stuck in a rut-too comfortable and the routine of your relationship is boring. Does she not have a job or any hobbies? She needs to get out of the house, have something to look forward too, something exciting and fun. Maybe book a holiday-that could motivate her to lose weight.

Its probably a waste of time though coz she has to do it for herself.

[sickntired]

Here's a little more information about her:
She works 1-2 days a week as a CNA in an elderly-person home, she also goes to College twice a week -she's in her final term of her RN (Nursing) certification course -and she contributes plenty to the bills for the most part. Between her financial aid checks and regular -if sparse- work hours, money really isn't an issue. Her only hobby is reading, if she's not spending time with me she typically sits on the couch reading whatever book's caught her fancy for.. well, until I get her to do something else essentially. She goes to family dinners regularly, and her dad's house is right by her work so she typically goes and eats her lunch over at his house rather than driving home (a whole 8 blocks further). Her school is stressful, and I do what I can to help her study -so far she's getting fantastic scores on her HESI's (top of her class) and I'm proud of her. Honestly, I think her frequent eat-out's at her fathers house is a fairly significant contributing factor to her weight gain; Her father and Mother-in-law are both pretty blatantly overweight, they eat terrible instant gratification food like hot-pockets or expensive tv-dinners almost every day -and I honestly don't think I've seen them drink anything but Mountain Dew or Pepsi every time I've been over there. My girlfriend constantly brings soda's back from their house and I swear is addicted to Pepsi..
We go on road trips to the beach when it's nice, we used to go on hikes a lot too.. but that's long since past. All she seems to want to do is go out to eat (no thank you), go to the movies (extra large extra-butter theater popcorn mandatory + massive fountain drink), go to dinner at her dad's (more calories and sodium in one meal than you need all-day), go to the beach (finally, something that doesn't involve eating!) where she insists we go to this delicious seafood restaurant that has the best clam chowder we've ever had (psyche, more food).

Basically, if it involves burning calories... she's not interested. Hiking is out, bike rides are out, walking the dog is out, hell even walking to the corner store for milk is out half the time.

The issue IS her school, it's stressful and she fixates on how stressful it is. Never mind that it only takes up 2 days of her week on average... I think she genuinely feels she puts all her energy in to her schooling and then has to recover the rest of the week by going in to a reading coma (yep, I call it a reading coma).

Once her schooling is over... it SHOULD get better.. but ultimately the issue is that it probably shouldn't have gotten this bad in the first place. Counseling probably wouldn't hurt, but I seriously doubt she'd agree to it if I suggested it.

As for making it about myself... sure, maybe I do make it a bit more about myself than some people think I ought.. But here's the deal: I don't ask for anything from this girl, not for birthday presents, not for kids, not for her to take care of the pets more, not for her to help out around the house more, nothing not even sexual favors (as if!). What I do ask, is that she stay fit. I've asked this from the beginning and it's proven to be too difficult -my one request- for her to carry out. That's not much, and I feel it's a fair request all things considered.

All-in-all this is really me just blowing off steam. I know she's the one that has to make her health and fitness a priority in the end -and honestly, even if she didn't lose weight I doubt I'd dump this girl, weight aside she's pretty great. And not having sex EVER might be the motivation she needs to finally lose weight (I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that however). I know she's happy with our relationship and wouldn't look twice at anyone other than Adam Levine (damn The Voice!). I'm just going to have to wait and see I guess.