Note: this is very long but please read it all! I am desperate for help! Im on the verge of a break down.

I've made a lot of bad choices and made a lot of mistakes and it got me into a position that I need advice on. I'm literally at my wits end and don't know what To do.

The short version: I'm having an impossible time choosing between two women.

The long version: nine years ago I started dating my ex, we will call her Jill, when we were cast as romantic interests fo each other in a high school drama production. We fell madly in love and were Insepersble. Jill became my best friend, and she was the person I believed to be my soul mate. We lost our virginities to each other and above all else we believed we belonged together. We dated for 2 years until her parents got divorced and she was a forced to move across the country. I finished high school and then moved across the country to be with her. Two more years we dated and continued to grow together as a coulple. Shortly after she got into college she felt a lot of pressure from her family to succeeds because of a gpa oriented scholarship she had received and she felt like her work was a slipping because of me so she told me she wanted to go on a break. I was devastated. I was 3000 miles from my closest friends and family. I had nothing. And worst of all I felt like I had lost my best friend and lover.

After 4 weeks the loneliness was getting to me so I went on match.com to find sort of s rebound thing. I met the most amszing young woman who had a lot of similar beliefs and intersts and we got along splendidly. It wasn't long before this rebound thing turned into something serious. After a couple years this new girl, we'll call her Julie, and I moved back across the city to my hometown on the other side of the country. We both got great jobs and rented very nice apartments and buillt really nice lives together. Julie and I never had the same fire as Jill and I. I never felt quite as loved or as important and she is a lot more formulaic in bed then Jill was. Jill and I have an incredible connection. Presumably because we were firsts. Anways, julie and I get along newly perfectly. We neve have any fights or disagreements about anything.

This is where things get interesting. Jill and I remained fairly good friends through all this, talking a few times a month over the course of the 5 years thwt julie and I hwve lived together on this side of the country. She started seeing someone and it seemed serious and she new I was dating someone and it was serious. And ti got to a point thwt it we stopped talking because we both new that the other was getting to a point where the other was a going to take the next step. And we both did. Julie and I got engaged june 2009 and ironically so did Jill and her boyfriend. After a year of not talking, Jill contacted me to congratulate me on the engagement. She told me about hers and slowly we began to talk again. Started with texts. Texted turned into IM chats, IM chats turned into phone calls, phone calls turned Into secreet weeklong visits, week long visit turned into a whole summer. Jill, now a high school teacher, took the summer off to come out back across the country to convince me that we were right for each other. This didn't just come out of the blue either. As terrible as it was I encouraged the behavior.

Well time to try to shorten this up some. The bottom line is that I lied to both of them, I cheated on both of them, and for nearly a year now ive somehow managed to basically date both of them simultaneously. Jill new about all of it, Julie, the person I was engaged to knew none of it except thwt I was occasionally visiting with my ex. Now I'm a point where I can't possibly concive of a way to be without either one of them. Jill has matured into this amazing woman, bright, funny, supportive.... So much kinder then she was all those years ago. she gets my sense of humor and was so much fun this summer. I spent every possible second I could with her. She took interest in my interests and made me her everything. Julie on the other hand has never stopped being sweet or kind. She has always been there for me for nearly 6 years. Her and I get along so perfectly, but I'm not sure how Id handle having to back to her knowing that I gave up Jill for her.

Here's the big dilemma. My wedding day is less then two weeks away.

Sept 25th I'm supposed to get married in Las Vegas to Julie. It's the wedding we've always talked about and spent the past year planning. It cost us $14000 which is all of our savings. Her family has bought plane tickets. My family has bough plane tickets. No one has any idea that any of this is going on.

I've spent months trying so hard to choose between one or the other. I kept postponing the decision because I knew I was going to lose one of them forever and I was trying to have the best of both worlds as long as possible. But with the wedding two weeks away. There is no more time for delay, I've spent the past few days nearly breaking up with both, becAuse I flip flop so much on my decision. Jill is convinced that I'm never gonna follow through and Julie knows that I'm having serious issues about the wedding but doesn't really know why.

I'm such a mess. I can't figure anything out. Neither of them deserved this and I'm constantly filled with such guilt. I just can't deal with losing one of them forever. Jill and I have had discussions about postponing the wedding. To her, wt this point, it's just not an option. We won't be able to afford a new wedding and she says if I'm not ready after 6 years of dating her, She needs to find someone who is so if I don't get married she will return to her home across the country and I will likely never hwve w chance to talk to her again. If I tell Jill thwt I'm not going to pick her, she will sty on thwt side of the country and just never come back out here but she will never want to hwve anything to do with me again because I will have already picked another woman over her.

Additional info: Jill doesn't get along with my parents but I feel like he new adult version would, Julie does. Jill makes fair money, julie makes great money. Both get along with my friends. Jill Is mor supportive of the hobbies I love then Julie. Jill and I fight more but also love moor (higher highs and lower lows) and Julie and I get along constantly. Jill is a little bit on the average to bigger size but beautiful face, Julie has an amazing body but only an average face. Sex with Jill is fantastic and passionate, Julie is methodical and very "everybody loves Raymond." I like Julies family more but jills isn't bad either.

Any thoughts/comments/ideas? I can't go on like this much longer. Both are expecting results. Being alone isn't an option. I have to pick one pronto. I'm just so misesble. I feel like I will never be able to be happy again because either wray I will be missing half of my heart. Pleaase save me!

Thanks for listening.