Is It OK To Ask Who Are These Loads Of Exes You're Still Friends With?

[michelle23]

Is this guy named Nate? My friend Nate has over 1,000 facebook friends, because he is an extreme extrovert who can't stand being alone with his own thoughts for long. He is out doing something social at least six nights a week and usually has one or two roommates at any given time, often including at least one female roommate. Separate from that, he has had a lot of girlfriends. Judging by facebook activity in the last couple of years, his relationships now tend to last about six weeks each, and then he is single for a few weeks before starting up with the next girlfriend. The last breakup was about three weeks ago, and a week later, he posted a facebook announcement that he wasn't ready to start dating again. Probably because some of his female friends were ready to pounce.

in love with the idea of love? in love with infatuation? or just looking for sex?

[Jaque]

Yes, we've had the exclusive talk and the I love you talk and the I-never-want-to-do-anything-but-make-you-happy talk, lol.

I know that in past relationships, we've both been burned by people who were very jealous and possessive, so it seems like he responded by becoming very secretive and protective of his friendships with people. I responded by becoming even more open about who I'm interacting with and why.

So it's probably natural that I'm feeling uncomfortable both about not knowing what's up with these people, and about approaching the subject so as not to seem like jealous psycho bitch and really drive him to keeping stuff secret.

I like how you put this "The key is not to accept someone into your life if they think having private female friends is okay and you don't."

That makes a lot of sense and kind of puts things into perspective. Maybe what I need to ask isn't so much what is the deal with these "friends" but more why doesn't he just be more open and inclusive about what's what?

It's like, if I have to trust him to innocent in his interactions with these people, why can't he trust me to have knowledge about them?

[Jaque]

Is this guy named Nate? My friend Nate has over 1,000 facebook friends, because he is an extreme extrovert who can't stand being alone with his own thoughts for long. He is out doing something social at least six nights a week and usually has one or two roommates at any given time, often including at least one female roommate. Separate from that, he has had a lot of girlfriends. Judging by facebook activity in the last couple of years, his relationships now tend to last about six weeks each, and then he is single for a few weeks before starting up with the next girlfriend. The last breakup was about three weeks ago, and a week later, he posted a facebook announcement that he wasn't ready to start dating again. Probably because some of his female friends were ready to pounce.

Ha ha, no, that's not his name, but I DO have a friend like that (that I've never been "involved" with)! He's actually a lot of fun and we hang out all the time (which I'm totally open with my boyfriend about and which he's always invited to join us).

But, when this friend has a girl of his own, I totally back off and give them a chance to be, and we NEVER post little cutesy hearts or flirty shit, just fun stuff. Let's put it this way, he'd NEVER comment "gorgeous" on a picture of mine, lol. So, I do know about having opposite sex friends and whatever, but I do wonder just how much attention my boyfriend really needs if that's the case.

We've been together for like a year and a half, by the way.

[michelle23]

a year and a half putting up with this? girl you sound very naive. im sorry i dont want to offend you but id say hack into his FB. theres where too many red flags here and your being a doormat. secretive behaviour IS a sign of cheating. look for proof and when you find it (which i believe you will) then leave him.

if you cant get into his account, then demand to look through it when he comes home. tell him straight away that you want his password and you want it NOW. put your foot down if hes hesitant and tries to dodge around it or says hell give it to you tomorrow-then he is hiding something.

hes basically been flirting for 18months right in front of you and youve sat back and said nothing. what is wrong with you?

[Jaque]

Well, looks like we're going to find out as soon as I can sit down with him and let him know how this is making me feel.

It just didn't seem very noticeable at first, and there was a lot of other stuff going on, so I didn't pay much attention, I guess.

But, looking at it from your perspective, it's like, whoah, what the hell have I been waiting for to say something?

[michelle23]

you should always follow your gut instincts. when something feels wrong-it probably is.

can you give me more info coz i could be jumping to crazy conclusions.

does he comment on other girls pics? send them heats and kisses? or is it the other way around. is it the same girls all the time or different ones each time?

[Wakeup]

It's like, if I have to trust him to innocent in his interactions with these people, why can't he trust me to have knowledge about them?

I think if he continues to be closed off to your questions then that ^^^^ would be an excellent, non threatening question to ask him, particularily if asked in a non-aggressive, calm, matter of fact tone.

[Jaque]

Sorry, this is going to be a super long reply, but your asking some really good questions, thank you.

He generally likes other girls pics, and occasionally will comment something like "gorgeous" or whatever, which I think is kind of not cool, but whatever. There are a couple of girls in particular who are the worst.

They'll sit there and comment and like all day if it's a post about him, but if he posts a pic with me or mentions me, they NEVER like or comment anything, so it's kind of obvious they are only interested in whatever has to do with HIM.

It makes me kind of wonder/worry that maybe he's private messaging with them or something because the one girl I've seen that has actually rubbed up against him in front of me is the worst one, and looking back, she's always been around like hovering in the wings.

That's the whole thing. I don't know!!

Why is it so hard to just get a clear answer of who's who and what's what?

Bear in mind I know this is probably just Facebook working its magic on modern relationships, but the fact is, he kind of didn't set a good tone to the conversation by announcing he's still friends with "lots" of his exes (how many freakin' exes ARE there???) and then not really clarifying how those friendships work, or who specifically those friendships are with.

I asked him how often he talks to them, or if he goes out with them at all, and he kind of said it's just the occasional email or whatever maybe once a year or so. But we've been together for a year and a half, and he's never mentioned that he heard from someone or that he had coffee with anyone. He HAS sometimes said he met with or needed to meet with " a friend" but then doesn't specify who or what.

So, that of course leaves me to wonder does that mean he hasn't seen or heard from any of these people in all this time, or has he just not told me about it, and if not, why not?

And then, it all comes down to wondering how much contact with the opposite sex is appropriate when your in a relationship, how much flirting is ok, why wouldn't you be open about you are or are not doing, if it's all really so innocent (or maybe not even happening at all!)?

I should probably just trust that he's handling it appropriately, but I just don't see why some girl needs to post hearts and winkies on his page, or why he needs to tell some girl she looks "gorgeous".

Believe me, I've tried to examine my own behavior to see if maybe I'm no better. But I honestly think I've been very open about who is and isn't a part of my life and why and how. I've asked him if he minds some of my friendships and always tell him what I'm doing or planning to do because I want him to not even have to begin to wonder about anything.

And, a couple of times, I've found that maybe I should've handled something differently.

I just want to be able to clarify this before it becomes impossible to get past it. Especially when it really doesn't need to be a big deal. Hey, this girl I used to date hit on me, ha ha, I blew her off but I wanted you to know. No big deal.

This is so silly, but every time I think ok, I can think about something else and not worry without needing to, there they are again. At the bar, on Facebook, whatever. Boundaries.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

For once Michelle, I don't think you're jumping to crazy conclusions. I don't think it's worth asking for passwords and making demands and whatnot. Just leave.

[michelle23]

you have no boundaries. my bf never chats or flirts with any women on FB, never likes pics or comments on them, never flirts with girls and would go mad if i flirted (i dont). to us and our relationship all of that would be crossing a line and we would break up.

you decide what your boundaries are-nobody else and then you find a man who shares the same boundaries as you. it really is that simple.

i dont think this guy is trustworthy at all. i bet hes cheating on you ALL the time and your his dream woman coz you turn a blind eye and let him get away with it.

im not sure if your just in denial or extremely naive and too trhsting but either way love its time to snap out of it and do something about it.

i would have dumped this prick 17months ago. you gotta ask yourself why are you still there.

nobody gets tbat much attention unless they are doing something to encourage it. believe me-if i wanted attention id have twenty guys sniffing round me and so would you but we dont.. hes defo up to no good

[Jaque]

Wow. Your so right about so many things.

There IS a good reason why I'm still here, but I am definately going to have a serious talk with him to set some very clear boundaries and definitions.

It's not that he gets a pass on the rest just because I haven't jumped on it, but I'd like to start from this point (unless I find out that something HAS been going on).

I'm rethinking a lot of things that I tried to accept or understand because I didn't want to be jealous or possessive or have someone who is jealous or possessive. But I NEED to get some clear answers, if only to know that it's not an issue. And if it is, to know about it so I can get out and move on.

Shame, though, because he really is cool in every other way. He just seems to need that validation for some reason.

[michelle23]

i think your being a doormat. theres much better guys out there but its your life and your decision

best of luck

[Jaque]

Ha ha, thanks. I'll probably post an update next week. Damn.

[michelle23]

ya let us no how it goes. ask straight qs, expect straight answers. if you dont get them-dump him

and you do need to be honest that your not sure if you can trust him. you need to tell him that and watch his reaction carefully. if he gets angry-you need to dump him-its a sign of guilt. so is waving his hands around, not making eye contact, pausing before answering etc

[VincenzoG91]

in love with the idea of love? in love with infatuation? or just looking for sex?

Probably all of the above, but the biggest issue seems to be that he can't stand to be alone. I don't mean that he can't stand to be single, I mean that Nate literally can't stand to be alone. He doesn't just go out nearly every night to bars, parties, hanging out with friends. Sometimes he is so desperate for company that he will post on facebook that he wants to do lunch and anybody who can meet him at restaurant X in an hour is free to come. He also sometimes performs on stage locally, doing comedy or drama. He has a particular knack for doing voice impersonations of famous people and cartoon characters. He is always on, and it is probably exhausting for the current girlfriend. And then there are all these female friends flitting about, with some waiting for their turn to be his girlfriend. He isn't a great looking guy, but he is fun and very friendly. Anyway, I instantly thought of him while reading the OP's description. I'm sure that some of Nate's FB friends are exes.