Is It OK To Ask Who Are These Loads Of Exes You're Still Friends With?

[michelle23]

haha he sounds like a nutcase

[Jaque]

That's hilarious, but not like my boyfriend at all. He's actually on the quiet side which is why it's a bit surprising. I guess I should've been asking questions a lot sooner, lol.

[michelle23]

well its better late than never. stop being afraid of coming across as jealous. youve made it clearly obvious your not a jealous person by nature and the fact ylu feel jealous now means the problem is HIM, not you.

ive never been jealous, possessive, insecure, controlling etc and if i started to feel that way for whatever reason-id just assume i have a reason to be and the problem is him coz iv never been that way before. does that make sense?

the one time i suspected something with an ex- i was right. thats why i always say follow your instincts

[basilandthyme]

Yes, it's OK to ask. But try and leave any confrontational manner behind. Ask in an open and enquiring voice so that he won't feel threatened and defensive.

Also, how long have you been together? Are you still in the stage of "getting to know you"?

[Jaque]

Yes, it's OK to ask. But try and leave any confrontational manner behind. Ask in an open and enquiring voice so that he won't feel threatened and defensive.

Also, how long have you been together? Are you still in the stage of "getting to know you"?

We've been together for a year and a half. Finding a way to approach the subject is exactly what I've been trying to do. It actually is mostly the general tight-fisted way he is about this information, and this one woman's behavior that bothers me. I mean, I SAW her grinding up against him, so I KNOW she's wanting to be "just a friend". I just want to know what's what.

[Jaque]

Maybe something like, hey, so what's the deal between you and this girl? Were you guys ever together or something?

[michelle23]

id be a lot more blunt than that. your tlgether 18months. you sound as if you barely know him and are afraid to ask an awkard qs. you should be able to communicate about anything by now.

id say "why are you always flirting with women on FB? do you think that is respectful to me and our relationship? who are all these women? why are you friends with your exes? why was that girl trying to seduce you on the dancefloor? are you cheating on me? have you ever cheated on me?

then if you get your answers and are satisfied-tell him (dont ask) tell him that you are not happy, you feel like you cannot trust him and unless he cuts contact with these women, stops flirting and starts showing you more respect- you and him are over

[michelle23]

stop pussyfooting around the issue. grow a backbone and be straight up with him. stop trying to please him all the time, afraid to say what you think or feel. thats not a relationship. you sound like two aquintences..

[lalalita]

I, like Michelle, can not be involved with someone who keeps their exes close and who has hoards of female friends. It just doesn't jive well with me due to my past experiences. Friends with exes would honestly bother me more, because you know *for sure* there was once chemistry/attraction there. You're not being crazy at all.

Don't be afraid to bring this up. You should be comfortable talking to a man who is worth your time. If he reacts like an asshole or gets defensive, your answer is right there.

[Jaque]

I, like Michelle, can not be involved with someone who keeps their exes close and who has hoards of female friends. It just doesn't jive well with me due to my past experiences. Friends with exes would honestly bother me more, because you know *for sure* there was once chemistry/attraction there. You're not being crazy at all.

Don't be afraid to bring this up. You should be comfortable talking to a man who is worth your time. If he reacts like an asshole or gets defensive, your answer is right there.

Well, we talked about it and definately cleared the air. What was really bugging me was having seen her behavior and having no explanation for it. Turns out they didn't actually date, but were maybe about to when I came along.

So, I guess in her mind, she was still going for it (but sheesh, she's STILL lying in wait???). I feel like it sure has taken him a loooooonnnng time to get to where he's ignoring her, or at least not encouraging her anymore, but I figure it's a start.

The cool thing is, once I asked, it was simple enough to talk about it and for him to understand that I wasn't laying this on him (except for maybe taking so long to tell her to get lost), that I just wanted to understand what the story was. Which he told me and had no problem saying he understood how it could make me feel. He also apologized for whatever part he might have had in not clearing it up or whatever.

This is way better than how things have been in the past, where if I said something or asked about something, it did not end well. Or I would just leave so I wouldn't have to fool with it. As it happens, we talked about it (yes, I was nervous about asking in just the right way), and it helped us understand each other more.

It also turns out that when he said he was "friends" with his exes (which, to me, based on the bar skank's behavior and the way he kind of bragged about it, meant regular contact and god knows what else involved), what he meant was that he is cordial with them. To me, that's a big difference. Heck, in that case, I'm "friends" with my exes, too. Even the ones I had to put restraining orders on, lol.

I can be civil with just about anybody, and, yeah, that IS a good thing to be able to say about someone you've been involved with and maybe it didn't end well and you're able to get past that and be cordial. That IS cool.

But anyway, very good advice from you guys, thank you so much. And, hopefully we keep learning how to get along and understand each other.

[Jaque]

stop pussyfooting around the issue. grow a backbone and be straight up with him. stop trying to please him all the time, afraid to say what you think or feel. thats not a relationship. you sound like two aquintences..

I like this, thank you for the nice kick in the arse, I needed that.

[Wakeup]

id be a lot more blunt than that. your tlgether 18months. you sound as if you barely know him and are afraid to ask an awkard qs. you should be able to communicate about anything by now.

id say "why are you always flirting with women on FB? do you think that is respectful to me and our relationship? who are all these women? why are you friends with your exes? why was that girl trying to seduce you on the dancefloor? are you cheating on me? have you ever cheated on me?

then if you get your answers and are satisfied-tell him (dont ask) tell him that you are not happy, you feel like you cannot trust him and unless he cuts contact with these women, stops flirting and starts showing you more respect- you and him are over

^^^ Battle-Axe 101.

lmao.

Good topics to present but just to clarify, not to be presented in that exact said manner.

Key words: Calm and Matter of Fact, Non Accusatory. You don't want him on the defensive and feeling the need to hide any truth.

[Jaque]

^^^ Battle-Axe 101.

lmao.

Good topics to present but just to clarify, not to be presented in that exact said manner.

Key words: Calm and Matter of Fact, Non Accusatory. You don't want him on the defensive and feeling the need to hide any truth.

Lol, no worries. I'm sure Michelle was just trying to help me feel more empowered, but in the end my boyfriend and I were able to have a nice, air-clearing conversation and I'm actually pretty glad this came up because it was a good lesson in how to establish our boundaries and our needs without turning us into adversaries instead of partners. Also, a lesson to me to not to be TOO complacent.

[Wakeup]

Lol, no worries. I'm sure Michelle was just trying to help me feel more empowered, but in the end my boyfriend and I were able to have a nice, air-clearing conversation and I'm actually pretty glad this came up because it was a good lesson in how to establish our boundaries and our needs without turning us into adversaries instead of partners. Also, a lesson to me to not to be TOO complacent.

So... Share! Why does he have all these women friends and who the heck are they?

[michelle23]

lol I dont do calm in these situations. Im sure you have already figured that out by now. Id beat the truth outa the prick if thats what it took, then id tie him up, threaten to cut his balls off, scare the life out of him, laugh a bit at him and leave lol

haha in all seriousness though. Dont be subtle-just get to the point. If you have questions, get them answered.

He does need to know that you are a strong confident woman who will not take any crap from anyone. Your attitude should demand respect and equality in all things. You wont mess him about and he wont mess you about.

Mutual respect-that is a relationship