Is needing space/time simply an excuse?

[Ariel]

Hey guys,

Was hoping I could generate different perspectives on my recent breakup because I'm so conflicted at the moment - recently broke up with my boyfriend after a petty argument that escalated and spiralled out of control - yes, there was alcohol involved. I will spare you the intricate details but basically we met up last Friday to discuss matters honestly, and soberly of course. I would like us to get back together and expressed this clearly but he seemed to be confused and reluctant. He still has feelings for me and cares, however during this two-hour talk it emerged that he has several reservations about the relationship, specifically relating to the future and long-term plans.

He wants marriage and kids, not necessarily with me, however at some point, and therefore feels like he may be 'wasting' time with somebody like me who is unsure about what she wants. I personally would like marriage and kids but I don't 'want' it, if that makes any sense? It's not that I don't want it, it's just not something I strongly desire, go with the flow and all that jazz. Anyway, we disembarked after two hours and just left it at that. He text me later that evening to tell me that he was bewildered, and whether we could take a few days and then meet up again - he wanted to work out what he wanted. I replied saying that was perfectly fine, as well as addressing other aspects he had brought up in our discussion. Anyway, so it has been six days since I heard from him, he's a genuine man, very sensitive and morally-guided so I imagine he would not lie but I can't help thinking that the whole space/time thing was just an excuse to let me down gently. Surely I would have heard from him by now if he wanted to pursue things? I can't help assuming that he just doesn't care, and that he has forgotten all about me - he obviously must not want to mend the relationship and is therefore avoiding contact - would be too awkward I suppose to refuse my attempt at a reconciliation right?

I do love him and miss him terribly but am not wallowing in depression or self-pity - I can get on with my life pretty well which is exactly what I have been doing but I would still like him to be a huge part of it. I am resisting the urge to communicate with him as he suggested taking a few days to think things through, and this would violate his wishes, and deny the whole purpose of the whole space/time thing. Plus I don't want to come across as pushy. I just hate being in limbo - this state of not knowing. I don't know if I should have respect for myself and walk away, or have respect for him and let him figure things out peacefully? How much space/time does he need? Is it just an excuse?? Somebody somewhere please shed some light! I would be extremely grateful for any input. Thank you.

[Archie]

Hello,
From my experience, when you take a break from one another, it's usually to evaluate how much the other person means to you, this shouldn't be new to you. I don't know the details of your relationship, but apparently he's the type that likes to have a drink or ten every now and then, so going from that, he likely isn't very fond of you discussing his alcohol problems, which is understandable. So he likely wanted some time-off to cool his head and to make the decision what is more important to him. Also, did you tell him that you don't "want" what he wants? That might be a dealbreaker for him.

In the end, if that's the kind of man you want to be with, then wait for him to make his choice. If not, however, then you know what you have to do.

[Ariel]

Thank you for your reply Archie.

He doesn't actually have any alcohol problems, if anything I drink more than him! I meant that we had an argument during an evening out in a bar, and it escalated because we had consumed a few drinks.

We have actually broken up, we are not on a break - he is now an ex - he just wants to figure out what he wants. I just never know what the whole space/time thing means, sometimes it's genuine, sometimes it's a "leave me the hell alone"! With the whole marriage and kids thing, he knows how I feel - it's not that I'm anti the whole thing, it's more of an "if it happens, it happens". I'm not actively seeking it, I'm not actively shunning it either.

[michelle23]

maybe he strongly wants marriage and kids-the whole picket fence dream and a wifey who is nurturing and caring. your laid back approach to the whole topic could have made him think your not compatable or maybe he just cant see a future with you for other reasons and doesnt want to string you along. if your arguments are frequent and the relationship is stressful then your just not compatable.

anyway normally when couples take a break like this-whatever the reason it usually means its over so id advice that you move on.

[searock]

I'd give him until Sunday evening, then I'd contact him and ask him if he has changed his mind or if you should start moving on. He can't keep you in this limbo forever and you have a right to know.

[Ariel]

Thanks guys.

I bumped into him earlier today because we work at the same place - we had an extremely brief conversation, small talk even - he didn't happen to indicate anything had changed so I guess that's my answer. I did drop him a message afterwards, along the lines of "I take it you don't want to meet up again like you initially suggested", and he hasn't responded so that pretty much confirms it. It sucks but silence does speak louder than words. I suppose it's easier to avoid or ignore somebody than hurt their feelings with the truth - we've all done it before so am not going to hold it against him, just found it baffling because after our two-hour discussion I had assumed we had not achieved anything and had accepted that chances of us reuniting were bleak, however he was the one to initiate contact and seemed eager to have a short break and meet up again. But hey, people are allowed to change their minds.

Sorry, I feel like I'm rambling but it helps typing it out even if nobody reads it! Thanks for listening!