Am I overreacting? Or was he out of line?

[basilandthyme]

I think I need to learn to hold back my natural urge to "help" by having people realize why things are they way they are.

I think this is a very good thing to learn. And I do understand - I have a special ed background (both as a parent and I work in the field) and I do notice when someone's kid has some red flags. Thing is, it's really important to separate what we do for a living from our daily life - unless of course, a friend seeks us out because of our background.

[Jffs24]

Maybe the amount of time discussing it wound him up and because the dude feels comfortable with you felt ok to snap when you asked questions.
I've done that before too but usually the look of WTF clues me in to I should apologize, lmao.

[michelle23]

You have come from an abusive relationship which has brought baggage with it. I think that is the reason you cant let this go. Does he know? And if not, why not?

Again you need to learn to trust again so your not walking on eggshells and feel safe even if this guy barks at you.

I think we are all guilty of being a little snappy sometimes but you should feel safe with your man even if you disagree or argue and you need to discuss this with him properly so he understands why it upset you to this extent.

Yes he was wrong to snap but he didnt mean to frighten you. Communication is key to resolving this

[Honour]

You have come from an abusive relationship which has brought baggage with it. I think that is the reason you cant let this go. Does he know? And if not, why not?

Again you need to learn to trust again so your not walking on eggshells and feel safe even if this guy barks at you.

I think we are all guilty of being a little snappy sometimes but you should feel safe with your man even if you disagree or argue and you need to discuss this with him properly so he understands why it upset you to this extent.

Yes he was wrong to snap but he didnt mean to frighten you. Communication is key to resolving this

I think the deal is that intellectually you know or sense that that's what was going on, but its hard to get what you feel to match what you know. Michelle23 asks a good question. What does he know about your past abusive relationships? How has he reacted to what you've told him?

Theres always going to be that question of is it beter to try to play it off and not start more stuff or try to get to the bottom of it and clear it up once and for all. Is either one possible? I guess each person knows for themselves what works for them. I do know that for me, theres always that little thing in the back of my mind no matter what we discuss or resolve, like the trust is broken down a little bit forever.

So, sometimes it feels like why bother going on about it if nothing is really going to help, and then somehow the fact that I let it go or at least pretended to for the time being seems to bring out exactly what I ended up needing from him. But it only happens if I've let him know very clearly what was bothering me in the first place. Like to where I'm sure he understood. You seem to have done that, so now maybe just work on yourself and try not to let this new apprehension ruin your outlook on him and wait and see what happens.

[lalalita]

He does know about my past. Not fully, since he doesn't ask a lot of questions and prefers when I tell him things on my own. (Which ends up being a little counter productive, since I don't find it appropriate to always be talking about exes unless prompted).

[Honour]

Yeah, I hear ya. And how has he reacted to what yo've told him? Is he like oh I'm so sorry or that sucks, or is he like whatever?

[michelle23]

You have been with him a year hun. It sounds like a break down in communication to me. Perhaps you two just don't know how to communicate with each other. Did he add you on FB yet? I must say I am getting an overall bad vibe from what you have posted so far. I doubt he is abusive, but maybe he is not the right one for you. Only you can decide that. Good luck

[lalalita]

Yeah, I hear ya. And how has he reacted to what yo've told him? Is he like oh I'm so sorry or that sucks, or is he like whatever?

He doesn't really say much, which sort of bothers me. I've asked him why he doesn't have much to say and that it makes me feel like he doesn't care about what I'm saying. He says that's not it, that he just doesn't want to "cross the line" by seeming like he's prying.

[shania_k]

I think guys handle stress and emotions differently than women do. It feels better for women to talk about things. I think guys sometimes need to vent and then let it go. If he was tired/stressed he may have not wanted to talk about it anymore. It was not right of him to talk to you that way. I would have talked to him about it the next day, maybe let him know that it hurt you and scared you a little bit. Let him know that is it not ever OK for him to talk to you that way. Sounds like you were only trying to be supportive.

Don't punish him or give him a lecture. let him know you were hurt and will feel bad. He needs to know it's not acceptable to you.

[toknow]

He has absolutely no excuse for snapping at you, especially since you were trying to help. The problem here is his misplaced reaction. When one directs negativity towards someone who is trying to help them, it speaks very badly of that person and shows, weakness, and lack of control and patience - which is a sure sign of lack of love. I see this getting worse.

[lalalita]

He has absolutely no excuse for snapping at you, especially since you were trying to help. The problem here is his misplaced reaction. When one directs negativity towards someone who is trying to help them, it speaks very bad of that person and shows lack of control and patience - which is a sure sign of lack of love. I see this getting worse.

Thank you for the reply :]

[TablesandChairs]

You spent an hour listening to him vent; that's fine. But then you probably thought you would actually involve yourself in the conversation rather than sitting there like a passive vegetable; this is how interactions usually go, unless he made it clear he was doing a monologue.

Let it slide as a once off but if it happens again, just say 'what the hell is your problem' and encourage him to open his eyes to the fact that he's being unreasonable and making you not want to engage in conversation with him.

[toknow]

Thank you for the reply :]

You are welcome, lalalita. Any update?

[Nightshade]

Could he maybe be feeling a bit intimidated by you? You mentioned something about him being wary of "crossing a line", could this be an indication that he is unaware (but considerate of that fact) of the boundaries in the relationship?


Sometimes guys like their women to be a bit vulnerable, nurturing, tender and compassionate - and from my experience; when most of my guy friends are venting, crying or angry....they don't want feedback. Like, at all. They just want you to be there, give them a hug and listen. Oh and the ones who drink, often appreciate the offer of a beer, or wine. Now before everyone starts up with the diatribe; I am NOT suggesting this is how all men cope with their shit days, nor am I suggesting that she ought to shut up and take being disrespected. Sometimes though (especially when dudes are opening up and being vulnerable), it is easy for our loved ones to set us off when we're reaching our threshold for emotional stress. Lalita should consider this before being too upset with her boyfriend. Perhaps in the future she could reiterate what she says in a softer way. Euphemisms, whatever.

You both should apologize to one another and try not to be so uptight. That's my ignorant, internet advice for the evening....

Woooooo time for bed!!!

[lalalita]

You are welcome, lalalita. Any update?

I ended up feeling a lot better about the situation as the weekend progressed. I warmed back up to him slowly and decided to not beat a dead horse, since we already discussed it when it happened. (Thanks for the advice on that guys. I have problems with bringing up things over and over.)

I'm definitely aware now, though. I need to fight the urge to walk on eggshells if a similar situations arises with him, and just be myself...and see if any more snapping happens.