Am I overreacting? Or was he out of line?

[lalalita]

I've been involved with my man for about a year. In this time, he has been nothing but respectful and kind hearted. We don't get to see eachother alot, due to our busy work schedules. Last night, while spending a few hours with eachother, it was clear he wasn't in the best mood. He is usually a very positive, up beat guy when we are spending time together, so I happily listened while he vented about various work and life situations that are causing him stress. This went on for about an hour straight, him getting things off his chest and me mostly just listening, offering support, and reassuring him.

At one point in the conversation, he was having trouble articulating what he was feeling, so I very neutrally asked "Well, how are you feeling right now? Do you feel it's one problem or a few building up?"

His tone completely changed to a tone of voice I am not at all familiar with him using with me, and he remarked "I know I sure don't feel like ****ing being analyzed right now."

>_<

The way he said it upset me instantly. I became *extremely* uncomfortable and turned off. I had just spent my entire evening trying to be supportive of him, listening to whatever he needed to say (completely letting the conversation be one sided) and was honestly just trying to engage in the conversation and offer support. I tried to just brush it off and continue the conversation, but I felt so awkward that I wanted to leave.

If he didn't "want to be anazlyed" (I have no idea how what I asked was analyzing), why did he just spend an hour straight venting his problems? I ended up saying I think I should be going, which shocked him and seemed to put him back in his normal manner with me. He seemed alarmed and I told him I didn't appreciate being snapped at for no reason when I was just trying to be supportive. He insisted I stay and we talked about it. He "didn't mean it that way" yada yada.

I come from abusive relationships in the past, so I am admittedlty sensitive to matters like this. I don't know if I was overreacting, or if he what he said was truly
out of line given the circumstances. I'm still feeling uncomfortable towards him today. Something about it just gave me an awful feeling.

[4 ratties]

It just sounds like a bad night. I would try not to let this bother you. If he would keep snapping at you on a normal basis then yes that is wrong but no ones perfect and sometimes we say things we wish we hadnt. It sounds like your an aware person and it's good to be cautious but I would try to let this one go

[Honour]

It does sound like a bad night, but I think I would have left too. Pay attention if he does that again, no matter how bad someone's day goes they have no reason to snap at you. That sounds like it was kind of scary. Maybe he didn't tell everything bad that happened that day and there is more he is upset about?

[lalalita]

It does sound like a bad night, but I think I would have left too. Pay attention if he does that again, no matter how bad someone's day goes they have no reason to snap at you. That sounds like it was kind of scary. Maybe he didn't tell everything bad that happened that day and there is more he is upset about?

It *was* scary. I think that may be why I reacted so strongly to it. I don't get "freaked out" very easily, and it came so far out of left field. I had to fight back tears, and I'm not that type of person.

[Honour]

I know exactly what you mean. I was in a relationship that started out like a romance novel and ended up becoming physical. Don't want to make you feel frightened or weird, but when you wrote that, I felt like I could hear him and the tone of voice and everything. Lol, it was a bit freaky.

But hopefully it was just a strange night that maybe reminded you a little bit too much about bad times. People sometimes yell and nothing more bad happens. The weird thing is what was he wanting you to say instead, or what else was he expecting if he was going on and on about his day?

[michelle23]

I remember once when me and my bf were together a year or two he snapped at me. We were both under stress and pissed over work etc and he kinda snapped at me saying ive my own ****ing problems coz i was going on a bit bitchin bout my old boss. It upset me too, i went out for a cig to calm down. It was out of character. He apologised and gave me a cuddle. It was the first and last time he spoke to me like that so maybe let it go for now. We all get irritated at times and say things we dont mean.

I dont even know why it upset me. It wasnt a big deal thinking back now but at the time it did. And i didnt want to argue or fight so i just walked outside so we could both have some space

[lalalita]

I know exactly what you mean. I was in a relationship that started out like a romance novel and ended up becoming physical. Don't want to make you feel frightened or weird, but when you wrote that, I felt like I could hear him and the tone of voice and everything. Lol, it was a bit freaky.

But hopefully it was just a strange night that maybe reminded you a little bit too much about bad times. People sometimes yell and nothing more bad happens. The weird thing is what was he wanting you to say instead, or what else was he expecting if he was going on and on about his day?

I don't think he's very used to talking about his feelings. I'm thinking maybe I crossed some type of line by asking how the things he was talking about made him "feel". If that was the case, he could have just said "I don't want to talk about it" or something to that extent. I'm very in touch with my emotions, and that's the sort of help I offer when someone I care about seems upset. For the rest of the night, I was walking on eggshells with what I was saying because I didn't want that type of reaction again from him.

I told him all of this, and he seemed genuinely hurt that I was feeling negatively towards him.

I'm reaching out on here because I'm debating whether or not to tell him it's still bothering me.

[Honour]

Funny, you answered my similar question, because that is basically waht I was asking too. Do you say somehing about it because it still bothers you and you want to clear the air and move on, or do you try to just move on and hope you feel better about it? I don't know, me, I think I want to say somehting about it so he knows how much it hurt and it never happens again.

Not like an argument, but just information he can process. Maybe your boyfriend had something he tried to move on about without talking about and then ened up snapping at you and you had no idea there was a problem. Maybe he doesn't like people asking questions but he never said that so you didn't know?

[Starnique]

It sounds like he was just having a bad day. I don't think you have anything to worry about it. He snapped that's all and he wasn't violent or in your face. Sometimes that happens. I notice if I'm venting and someone asks me something that I feel is crazy (at that time) then I may snap even though its not the right thing to do. I personally, have a problem when I feel like people are coming at me and it makes me snap, just off the fact that I had a bad relationship, physically and verbally and I don't like for men or women for that matter to come at me a certain way because then I feel like I'm being put in a position and I don't like to feel handled. I have a issue with men in particular snapping at me for several reasons. So I know how you feel. Im sure it pissed you off and hurt your feelings especially when you was trying to help. I would have left too. So everyone is diff and just let him know that based off your relationships in the past you don't like to be talked to that way and he didn't mean it but it offends you. I think you both will be alright.

[lalalita]

Funny, you answered my similar question, because that is basically waht I was asking too. Do you say somehing about it because it still bothers you and you want to clear the air and move on, or do you try to just move on and hope you feel better about it? I don't know, me, I think I want to say somehting about it so he knows how much it hurt and it never happens again.

Not like an argument, but just information he can process. Maybe your boyfriend had something he tried to move on about without talking about and then ened up snapping at you and you had no idea there was a problem. Maybe he doesn't like people asking questions but he never said that so you didn't know?

He did say something along those lines to me when he was trying to explain why it happened. Something like "Sometimes I just want to move on from problems. Deal with them and not talk about them." That's a philosophy I totally can understand, but he was the one voluntarily venting for an hour without *any* prompting from me whatsoever.

I'm worried he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions and is used to bottling them up because he's never had someone to talk to about them. I've been in similar situations before, and things can get sticky.

I think I will just let him know that it's still bothering me in a non confrontational way.

[michelle23]

Has he apologized? If he has and he feels bad for upsetting you then you should let it go. If not, you do need to talk about it.

How does that make you feel is something a therapist would say and maybe he felt like you were trying to get in his head or something. A lot of men that i know are really intimidated by therapy coz they are afraid the therapist will tell them there is something wrong with them or its their fault. My dad is v weird when it comes to that. He was totally against me becoming a counsellor and refused to help me pay for it. I think its coz he has a drink problem that hes in denial about.. Nothing major but still an issue and he feels threatened by people telling him to quit etc

maybe your bf just felt intimidated and didnt mean to snap. One argument is not a sign that he will be abusive. You need to discuss your past with him properly so you can let him in and be more intimate. Its the only way you will learn to trust him

[Honour]

And that is probably the main part of the question. How?

[lalalita]

Has he apologized? If he has and he feels bad for upsetting you then you should let it go. If not, you do need to talk about it.

How does that make you feel is something a therapist would say and maybe he felt like you were trying to get in his head or something. A lot of men that i know are really intimidated by therapy coz they are afraid the therapist will tell them there is something wrong with them or its their fault. My dad is v weird when it comes to that. He was totally against me becoming a counsellor and refused to help me pay for it. I think its coz he has a drink problem that hes in denial about.. Nothing major but still an issue and he feels threatened by people telling him to quit etc

maybe your bf just felt intimidated and didnt mean to snap. One argument is not a sign that he will be abusive. You need to discuss your past with him properly so you can let him in and be more intimate. Its the only way you will learn to trust him

He did say "the last thing I ever want to do is upset you" and things to that effect. I know he knows how much it bothered me, but I'm acting a bit distant today and I feel he should know the reason.

[YungCertified]

this is why you shouldnt date wrinkly old men

[lalalita]

this is why you shouldnt date wrinkly old men

...he's 27? I'm 25. What?