***Before reading this please know that it will be quite long, soppy, and very awkward & embarrassing for me to write. This forum has helped me so much in the past, and I just don't know where else to turn with this problem. Thank you for taking the time to read it. (Names have been changed for privacy reasons)***
I've been in love with my childhood best friend Tom for a good 5 years or so now (although I've always had a little 'crush' on him since I was younger). I first met Tom when my parents and I moved next door to his family and we became best friends from the ages of 4-10 along with his younger sister Emily. When I was 10 years old my parents split up, which meant I had to move away to the other side of town and no longer had my best friends. Shortly after my parents divorce, Tom's parents got divorced too, and his Mum got together with my Dad. This as you can imagine, makes me feel even more uncomfortable about the feelings I have for Tom (even if we aren't even related by marriage).
We've never lived together in these 8 years, barely even seen each other (other than for dinner once a fortnight or so and a two week holiday away each year), but I just can't seem to get him out of my head no matter how hard I try. Nobody knows about this strange situation other than myself, so I feel like i'm carrying this huge ridiculous weight on my shoulders that is making me feel absolutely terrible.
Fast forward to 2013 and Tom is currently off about to start his second year at University (he's 19, i'm 18) and I think about him CONSTANTLY. I miss him so much that my heart feels like it's in bits, and whenever I see him when he comes home at holidays it's like the weight has been lifted and I feel like I could do anything around him; My chronic anxiety seems to disappear when I'm around him and we get on so well.
Last summer before Tom left for Uni, he and I were together for a week or so doing a project for my Dad and it was just like when we were younger. We got on like a house on fire and I'm pretty sure there was a bit of flirting going on (unless guys telling you that you have nice lips, complimenting your personality traits and noticing a hair cut you got a week ago is normal conversation?). That whole week I didn't have a single panic attack or get anxiety once (which is a really big deal for me), I felt on top of the world.
However, when he went to Uni a week later, he met a girl called Georgia and has been 'seeing' her ever since. Apparently they're not an official couple, but they will be house sharing with two of their other friends come September which I think is why they're not getting 'official', incase it doesn't work out.
I can tell how happy Tom is at Uni and would never even dream of doing anything to mess with him or any relationship he may get into, but seeing him with someone else is absolutely killing me. Missing him is killing me; I've barely even spoken to him since May.
So here is my question:
How do I possibly get over this awful heartache? I understand that I'm only 18, but I'm quite beyond my years and am 100% certain that this is definitely not a phase or anything of the sort.
Even if I can't be with Tom in the way I want to because of the fear of rejection, do I let him know just how much I miss having him as my friend? How?
Or do I just leave him be and carry on feeling the way I do?
I don't feel that I can share this with anyone close to me as it's so embarrassing for me, and I almost definitely don't have the confidence to let Tom know how I feel about him because I'm so scared of what he might say.
I don't know whether to send him a message telling him that I miss him or not, he's often quite bad at replying to people, and if he doesn't get back to me I just know that I would end up feeling even worse and even more anxious.
Please help me, I don't know how to deal with this anymore, I feel ridiculous.