Should I worry about her ex

[radk98]

Sorry if this is a bit long but I appreciate any advice. We are both in our mid-twenties and been together 9 months. I met her 6 months after she broke up with her bf of 2 years and the guy that took her virginity. When we both met, we weren't looking for anything but things worked out and here we are. From early on, I gathered hints that this ex was horrible to her. Then, a couple weeks ago, she was acting tense during sex (which she has often anytime I go down on her). I asked her what was wrong bc she always does this. She was hesitant at first and then told me her ex told her she was rough and beat up down there and was loose, horrible in bed. I don't like talking of exes but I felt I needed to let her talk and explain to her there is nothing wrong with her. She told me about how he mistreated her, never paid for anything, etc. and that he was a really messed up person in the head. I asked her why she put up with that behavior and she said she thought she could help him and felt stuck where she let her virginity go. I did some facebook creeping and this dude is your class A douchebag and I'm surprised she was with a guy like that. She said she was always the good girl and thought the idea of being with the bad boy was cool. She said the sex was lustful and just an act and that's her one regret in life. She has said many times she wish she would've waited for me. Sometimes after we're finished having sex, she cries and tells me how perfect everything is and that I'm perfect in every way. She would do anything for me and is great. However, ever since hearing this info of her ex, I got a little paranoid thinking things like "did she never lust for me or find me as attractive as her ex" or "did she get off more from her ex". I just have a hard time understanding anything bc she tells me she's never been a sexual person and has never even masturbated. Sometimes I'd even question if she had an orgasm so asked her that. She said she never did with her ex but has had one several times with me. I didn't know to take that as her being nice or if she "lusted" and actually had them with her ex. This has brought me some insecurity mainly due to the fact that I can see myself marrying this girl but I don't want her to have some longing for her ex. I know the guy tried to get back with her twice with her looking the other way twice. I just want to be the best in every way for this girl if that makes sense.

What do you all make of all this? Am I just having some insecurity issues or should I legitimately be thinking about some things?

[michelle23]

You need to stop this. The past is the past. Even if she did orgasm with him, it really doesn't matter. Shes with you now, she enjoys sex with you and shes happier than she has ever been. Everyone has a past, its life. Focus on pleasing her sexually and on praising her with lots of compliments on her body and how amazing she is. She needs to heal from how badly her ex treated her and it just takes time. If you don't want to hear about it, don't ask but tell her she should speak to a counselor if she is still struggling with past issues.

The only red flag here is her saying "shes not very sexual". You should buy her a book on female sexuality and why its healthy to masturbate and enjoy sex. Perhaps she suppresses that part of herself due to being made to feel ashamed in the past. She needs to learn that its healthy and normal for her to be horny and to enjoy regular sex with you

[radk98]

You need to stop this. The past is the past. Even if she did orgasm with him, it really doesn't matter. Shes with you now, she enjoys sex with you and shes happier than she has ever been. Everyone has a past, its life. Focus on pleasing her sexually and on praising her with lots of compliments on her body and how amazing she is. She needs to heal from how badly her ex treated her and it just takes time. If you don't want to hear about it, don't ask but tell her she should speak to a counselor if she is still struggling with past issues.

The only red flag here is her saying "shes not very sexual". You should buy her a book on female sexuality and why its healthy to masturbate and enjoy sex. Perhaps she suppresses that part of herself due to being made to feel ashamed in the past. She needs to learn that its healthy and normal for her to be horny and to enjoy regular sex with you

Thanks for the reply. I agree with you telling me to stop this, I just need to hear it if you know what I mean. I really hate it that she had to hear the things she did.

That's also a very good idea about the book and I haven't thought of that. I'm not sure if it stems from the ex bc she said she didn't really even know what sex was til she was 20. She's very sweet and naive so I believe this. She's even made comments to me about how comfortable I am with myself and sex and she just isn't like that. I guess my insecurity from her saying things with her ex were lustful. We have sex and she seems into it, however, I want her to crave me more if that makes sense. I want her to lust for me and allow me to give her that pleasure. I guess looking at the word lustful made me feel less attractive to the other guy when it's probably just me getting to myself.

[michelle23]

I find it hard to believe that anyone is "just not sexual". Maybe its coz I have a high sex drive but it just seems insane to me. I think she just needs time to open up sexually. Perhaps sex therapy would help.

[radk98]

I find it hard to believe that anyone is "just not sexual". Maybe its coz I have a high sex drive but it just seems insane to me. I think she just needs time to open up sexually. Perhaps sex therapy would help.

I agree 100% and it puzzles me how someone just couldn't be sexual. That's why it makes me a little self conscious. I'm fit and in shape and a decent looking guy so it confuses me a bit. She has opened up since our talk in the bedroom and been more comfortable. However, she doesn't want sex as frequent as I do

[smackie9]

It's possible she is just settling with you to be in a relationship because she doesn't want to be alone.

[smackie9]

If there is no spark ignited at the beginning of a relationship...the "lust and passion" won't really happen.

[radk98]

It's possible she is just settling with you to be in a relationship because she doesn't want to be alone.

When I first met her she didn't want a relationship at all. She actually told me that when she first met me that she thought I was too good for her and she was super nervous. This girl has probably only kissed 3 guys in her life. She tells me that she's never loved or felt about someone like she does for me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She said she feels so blessed and lucky to have me and loves me more everyday.

Would she be saying these things if she was just settling?

[Katrina4114]

She really is into you. Her ex was a dick . So enjoy a time with her. She really likes you

[radk98]

She really is into you. Her ex was a dick . So enjoy a time with her. She really likes you

Thanks Katrina. I've really been considering marriage in the future with her and even the slightest thought of not being the best to her bothers me for some reason. She tells me that I'm everything she's ever wanted and all she needs. She'll lay down with me at night and stare at me til I fall asleep and want to be beside me every night. We see eachother pretty much everyday. I'd hate to think she'd be settling for me. I just hope sexually I'm doing it for her.

[smackie9]

I guess she is broken.....only time will tell if it gets better.


Maybe being lustful makes her feel dirty.....

[Katrina4114]

Thanks Katrina. I've really been considering marriage in the future with her and even the slightest thought of not being the best to her bothers me for some reason. She tells me that I'm everything she's ever wanted and all she needs. She'll lay down with me at night and stare at me til I fall asleep and want to be beside me every night. We see eachother pretty much everyday. I'd hate to think she'd be settling for me. I just hope sexually I'm doing it for her.

Just try not to think about it . If you meant to be together you will. And i also think she is that kind of girl you want to get married with