Finally happy but a little confused :(

[Finally Happy]

After the most miserable 10 year relationship & marriage I finally found the courage to escape my situation which would have lead to my death bed if I'd stayed. With two amazing children to consider, my life & marriage had gotten to a stage where my eldest was asking why I was always so sad. These words not only broke my heart but also drove me to leave their father. After 10 years so unhappy & never in love, my body took a toll from the stress & worry of my marriage & by the time I left I was a very sick, anorexic looking 40kg's.
Finally free from the stresses of my marriage I was fortunate enough to meet an amazing man whom I truly love with all my heart. I have never felt this way about anyone before, we laugh & talk, we have so much in common & appreciate all the great wonders of this world with the same passion, we have so much fun together & never seem to disagree on anything. He is everything & more than I ever wanted or hoped to find in a man. He treats me so beautifully, his so sweet & caring & he is so great with my children, they get along beautifully & the children already call him their step-dad.

For the sake of not say 'him' & 'he', all the time, we'll call my new partner Mr D.

Mr D was married before he met me & had been divorced for almost 2 years but in that time he had a relationship with an older woman that treated him really badly & had a princess complex (everything perfect & no concept of reality lol), she was very up in the air, on & off again with the change of her mood & kept him secret for the whole relationship. She really crushed him, his spirits, his confidence in himself & in others & has caused him to be over cautious. I feel that she got the best of him & I'm left with a broken man, that doesn't trust me, is cautious of getting close & questions my feelings for him.

Mr D has been asking me & the children to move in with him for a while now, so I decided that we should trial it to see how the children get along with him & how Mr D handles have children in his house. Other than his ex-wife, Mr D has lived a very quiet life of solitude with very few friends & a busy work schedule, so I was wanting to ease him into a life with two children. It's an instant family after all & his world is essentially being turned upside down. So on the weekends the children & I have been staying at Mr D's home & I have been staying the a few other days a week while the children are with there father. Things have been going really well, the children enjoy staying there & he seems to enjoy having them there.

So things are great, Mr D is fantastic & the children adore him. What more could I ask for, what am I seeking advice on, I should count myself lucky to have found a fantastic man that I love that accepts my children & that my children adore.
I am lucky & I truly appreciate him & everything he does.
Every now & then he gets really down, emotionally & doesn't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone, so he cancels our time together & won't allow me to even call (we usually talk every night for 3 or so hours). It hurts so much as he just shuts down & won't talk to me or talk anything through. He also implies that any time I do have to myself I will be having an affair, he always doubts my love or why I love him & suggests I'll be bored of him in time. Anything I do say to try to ease his mind or worries is met with 'its just words, I don't do words', I try to show him how I feel & how much he means to me but I feel it's in vain. It hurts so much his distrust in me but I don't know what to do.
He also brings up my past which I now regret even telling him about but at the time I felt I had no choice but to tell the truth. More than 10 years ago when I was young & foolish, trying to find my way as a women in the world of men that mistreated me, I stupidly slept with a few different men. Mr D asked me of my experience & as we were so open & honest I told him, now he brings it up often & tells me you can't hide from your past. I'm not trying to hide from it, I was honest about it, I regret it but its in the past it doesn't make me who I am, I grew up & changed & never want to be that stupid again, I learnt from my mistakes.
I don't know what to do, I'm so in love with this man, in 99% of our relationship things are fantastic, he is so sweet, gentle, caring, thoughtful, we enjoy so much of our time together & I'm truly the happiest I have ever been but then he goes through these moods & I'm left wondering what I've done wrong, why won't he trust me, believe in me, have faith I'll be faithful. I'm so scared of getting my heart broken, after the most miserable marriage you could imagine I thought I'd finally found the one I was meant to be with all this time. I'm scared if he can't handle the instant family & leaves me, I'll resent my children. I'm so desperately in love with him I can't bear to be without him but I just don't know what to do when he goes through his moods.

Finally Happy but so scared to be heart broken

[Valixy]

I would tell you to take it slowly, enjoy it as a romance and keep your independence for some time. It would give you and the kids time to readjust to such a major change and create a stronger bond between you and them. But you seem to be a bit in a rush and want a very serious full time relationship, so, taking in consideration that he is so insecure, jealous of your past and already puts you down, I think that you shouldn't move in with him. You should start addressing the issue gently and tell him how much you're hurting because of his behaviour and how it stops you too from trusting the relationship completely and growing as a couple. Stop walking on eggshells around him for fear you might loose your recently found paradise. Especially because you have been through so much in your life, you should have become a stronger and wiser woman by now who wants the best for herself and her kids and asks for it. Can he talk about this problem with you? Can he understand your point of view? Is he capable of changing little by little these things or not? If he is, then yes, he might be long term material, if not, be realistic, people have their limitations, and continue seeing him as someone to go out with and have some fun, or start looking for someone else.

You should know by now that the little things that don't work at the beginning of a relationship if not adressed and changed then, only get worse in time as the stress of the relationship inevitably appears and affect all the family dynamics - and this would be very unfair for your children. And chances are that someone who is so insecure will also be jealous of your children and give them a hard time with no reason. His chronical insecurity/jealousy and extreme moods might become unbearable for the three of you actually.

I'm scared if he can't handle the instant family & leaves me, I'll resent my children.

This you should never do. You shouldn't have let yourself getting to this point of emotional dependence on a man actually. You need to take a few steps back and find your balance, serenity and common sense again. So much 'wonderful feeling' isn't worth a bit if you loose your identity as a woman and a mother. Your world should not revolve around him and desperation has never been very appealing to men. You need to prove more to yourself and your kids, or you might very well fail with this relationship, because relationships do fail, you know, and your kids might end up resenting you for your weaknesses. They are not at fault for you wasting long years with men who didn't love you, so don't make them pay for that. Assume it, grow up, find some strength and put first things first: you and the kids and then the right man, if he's totally worth it. So wake up from your dream, stop idealizing this man and start controlling that personal need of love you have (which has become a great weakness actually) or you could not see him for what he is and make a terrible mistake. Don't settle for less because you're not only responsible for your hapiness but also for your children's and you should try to fulfill that with dignity.

[michelle23]

You already wasted ten years of your life on Mr. Wrong. Dont make the same mistakes again. You say how "happy you are" to have found this man. Why? You have to constantly reassure him that he can trust you, that your not gonna cheat or lie to him, he expects you to PROVE that you love him, he doesn't believe a word you say. This man is so insecure that his own negative thoughts will lead him to self destruct. He will end up pushing you so far away and eventually you will be walking on eggshells and trying to prove your devotion gets old until you have enough and cant take anymore. He is convinced he cant trust you or anyone else so those negativity thoughts and insecurity could easily lead him to cheat on you. Plus he holds your past against you. So you slept with a few guys ten years ago when you were young and carefree and single and looking for Mr perfect and could do whatever the f you wanted. That is none of his business and he has no right to make you feel bad about it.

I don't care how great you say he is. Those bad things outweigh any possible good things and I urge you to walk away now. Insecurity is a disease and its only a matter of time before he screws you up and drags you down or hurts you. Go and find a confident assertive man who has high self esteem and no issues or emotional baggage. They are the only good guys that you can trust and who wont take you for granted EVER

I'll just add that I think you have your own issues to deal with and you should be alone for awhile and focus on helping your children readjust to a different life. The separation is hard on them and they need you. Saying that you fear you may resent them if this new love doesn't work out tells me that you need help. Perhaps counselling. You never resent your kids for anything and they come first over any new bf. If he doesn't accept you and them as a package deal then he goes. Its that simple

[paze]

After the most miserable 10 year relationship & marriage I finally found the courage to escape my situation which would have lead to my death bed if I'd stayed. With two amazing children to consider, my life & marriage had gotten to a stage where my eldest was asking why I was always so sad. These words not only broke my heart but also drove me to leave their father. After 10 years so unhappy & never in love, my body took a toll from the stress & worry of my marriage & by the time I left I was a very sick, anorexic looking 40kg's.
Finally free from the stresses of my marriage I was fortunate enough to meet an amazing man whom I truly love with all my heart. I have never felt this way about anyone before, we laugh & talk, we have so much in common & appreciate all the great wonders of this world with the same passion, we have so much fun together & never seem to disagree on anything. He is everything & more than I ever wanted or hoped to find in a man. He treats me so beautifully, his so sweet & caring & he is so great with my children, they get along beautifully & the children already call him their step-dad.

For the sake of not say 'him' & 'he', all the time, we'll call my new partner Mr D.

Mr D was married before he met me & had been divorced for almost 2 years but in that time he had a relationship with an older woman that treated him really badly & had a princess complex (everything perfect & no concept of reality lol), she was very up in the air, on & off again with the change of her mood & kept him secret for the whole relationship. She really crushed him, his spirits, his confidence in himself & in others & has caused him to be over cautious. I feel that she got the best of him & I'm left with a broken man, that doesn't trust me, is cautious of getting close & questions my feelings for him.

Mr D has been asking me & the children to move in with him for a while now, so I decided that we should trial it to see how the children get along with him & how Mr D handles have children in his house. Other than his ex-wife, Mr D has lived a very quiet life of solitude with very few friends & a busy work schedule, so I was wanting to ease him into a life with two children. It's an instant family after all & his world is essentially being turned upside down. So on the weekends the children & I have been staying at Mr D's home & I have been staying the a few other days a week while the children are with there father. Things have been going really well, the children enjoy staying there & he seems to enjoy having them there.

So things are great, Mr D is fantastic & the children adore him. What more could I ask for, what am I seeking advice on, I should count myself lucky to have found a fantastic man that I love that accepts my children & that my children adore.
I am lucky & I truly appreciate him & everything he does.
Every now & then he gets really down, emotionally & doesn't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone, so he cancels our time together & won't allow me to even call (we usually talk every night for 3 or so hours). It hurts so much as he just shuts down & won't talk to me or talk anything through. He also implies that any time I do have to myself I will be having an affair, he always doubts my love or why I love him & suggests I'll be bored of him in time. Anything I do say to try to ease his mind or worries is met with 'its just words, I don't do words', I try to show him how I feel & how much he means to me but I feel it's in vain. It hurts so much his distrust in me but I don't know what to do.
He also brings up my past which I now regret even telling him about but at the time I felt I had no choice but to tell the truth. More than 10 years ago when I was young & foolish, trying to find my way as a women in the world of men that mistreated me, I stupidly slept with a few different men. Mr D asked me of my experience & as we were so open & honest I told him, now he brings it up often & tells me you can't hide from your past. I'm not trying to hide from it, I was honest about it, I regret it but its in the past it doesn't make me who I am, I grew up & changed & never want to be that stupid again, I learnt from my mistakes.
I don't know what to do, I'm so in love with this man, in 99% of our relationship things are fantastic, he is so sweet, gentle, caring, thoughtful, we enjoy so much of our time together & I'm truly the happiest I have ever been but then he goes through these moods & I'm left wondering what I've done wrong, why won't he trust me, believe in me, have faith I'll be faithful. I'm so scared of getting my heart broken, after the most miserable marriage you could imagine I thought I'd finally found the one I was meant to be with all this time. I'm scared if he can't handle the instant family & leaves me, I'll resent my children. I'm so desperately in love with him I can't bear to be without him but I just don't know what to do when he goes through his moods.

Finally Happy but so scared to be heart broken

He needs to read up on Retrograde Jealousy. I'm having this problem myself in a thread just below yours called "Retrograde Jealousy".

[TablesandChairs]

First of all, you're in danger of becoming an unhealthy couple - him with his over-bearing jealousy, and you for even thinking you will resent your children if this man leaves you.

What you did over a decade ago is irrelevant and he's using your honesty against you, which is pretty pathetic. Secondly, he should seek counselling for his hang ups/issues/emotional baggage or he will ruin not only this relationship but any relationship he finds himself in.

He treats you well and that's nice...but don't be easily fooled. A person who is always jealous will eventually become controlling, possessive and never satisfied and before you know it, you'll wonder how you ended up in the second relationship from hell.

Don't move in just yet. Sort things out first...and not just on his end. You should stop making men your be all and end all. You're a mother, your children should never be resented.

[Finally Happy]

I'd like to thank everyone for their advice, but I'm not quiet sure I explained myself very well, I was very upset when I posted & may have left out some details. I'm not disregarding any advice given I will take it all on board & try to work through my issues.

My marriage was not only physically abusive but also emotionally abusive, my ex-husband also had a obsessions with porn which also lead to infidelity. I also had to institutionalize him in a mental hospital at the same time I was originally going to leave him.

My past in which my current partner has issues with also had abusive situations as well as their infidelity in most of the relationships I was in which were very short, I have never actually been with a man that hasn't abused or cheated on me & I think I've handled them very well & not become a victim to the situation, I will admit my choice in men then wasn't the best so I learned from those mistakes.

I never intended on getting into a relationship so close after leaving my husband but it had been over for years & I feel I waisted so much of my life on him & the relationship I need to move on. I have emotionally accepted the end of my marriage for a very long time & only stayed as he was mentally ill & needed help to get back on track, may sound like an excuse but surprisingly enough I'm not a cold hearted b**ch.

I consider myself a very strong woman to have survived what I went through reasonably unscathed & have only gotten stronger since I left. I DO suffer some of my own insecurities on whether my new partner will cheat or abuse me, I don't fear them as I know I am strong enough to handle them if they arise, I guess the difference is I don't voice them like he does.
I do hope that we will both be able to get some therapy on our insecurity issues & trust issues, I honestly believe in trying to solve issues than giving up on them.
The intention was never to move in straight away we had always planned on at least another 6 or so months from now before we all officially lived together, we are taking things slowly & trialling stays at his home with the children.
One post mentioned that I seem to very eager to get into a serious relationship, I don't personally think I am I'm just not interested on wasting any more of my life. We are taking things slowly, we are trying to work each other out, he has a lot of history that I'm not prepared to share online, I understand insecurity issues can lead to problems in a relationship & I think at some stage it would be best for us to seek therapy, I will suggest it & try to get it organized.
I guess I used the wrong word 'resent' when talking about my children & if my new partner leaves, my children are the most important people in my life, I'd probably resent myself if he left as the children really love him. I don't want to put them through loosing someone else in there life.

One post mentioned retrograde jealousy, I tried to post on your thread but it was all closed. Your situation seems very similar to mine just in reverse. I don't know what your partners situation is with her past & how she feels about it & maybe that's something you can talk about together, personally I regret my past & honestly wish it had never happened, I do appreciate the experience as I know my body better with the experience than without. One of your replies said that she probably doesn't remember most of them & in my case it's true, I hardly remember many of mine as I was young & nervous & I could never relax enough to enjoy it so never orgasmed myself & don't recall the experiences much at all. Essentially insecurities are something I'm sure you can work through together, if you love her than you will try to forget her past & like I'm going to try & do get some therapy for it, if you can see a future with her. I hope it works out for you, love is always worth fighting for, if your in love.