WAY older man / unprofessional relationship / I think i have some issues ...

[Rakshasa]

Ok, so the first part is not so crazy. I have an insane crush on my professor. Have for three years now. In fact I think it has now evolved into an unhealthy obsession, though stalking has not yet commenced ...
I have been pretty much scheduling all my classes so I can attend as many of his lectures as I can. He is incredibly intelligent, not bad on the eyes, kind of cute and goofy. I am deeply inspired by and have nothing but the uttermost respect and admiration for him. But since the first time I took a class with him, about half way through the quarter it hit me like a freight train "OMG, I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN" ... and I really thought it would pass, especially since there's been a few quarters when I haven't taken classes with him or seen him at all...
Alas, it has not ...
I am a pretty shy and a bit socially awkward, but I'm not bad looking. I mean men buy me drinks at a bar... I always got straight A’s in his classes, so one time I gathered all my courage after thinking about it for a long time and asked him if he’d like to go grab a coffee with me sometime. Of course it was a stupid thing to do. He said he “doesn’t socialize with students”, we both felt awkward, and that was the end of that … That was two years ago … I still have classes with him. I’m pretty sure he’s forgotten about it on like the next day. Either way he was very professional about it and hasn’t acted or treated me differently at all since. But I really can’t get him out of my head.
The thing is, I’m 26 and he’s pretty much twice my age, thought he doesn’t really look it.
I should be graduating this spring and I’m still entertaining the idea of asking again … But I don’t know if it’s going to be well received and I really don’t want him to start to dislike me.
He's not married, at least he doesn't wear a ring, but there is a slight chance he might be gay ... and I base that solely on the fact that he wears an earring in his right ear ... he doesn't act it in the least ...
What should I do?

[havermoutpap]

You can always just try again when you graduate. I understand his position in that he doesn't socialize with students. Most lecturers don't. It's mostly not worth the hassle. But perhaps he wouldn't mind getting a drink when you're no longer his student. Go for it!

[DalM0m]

The worst thing that can happen is AFTER you graduate when you ask him out again, he says no. You will be no worse off then you are now & you won't have the regret of not asking hanging over your head later in life. Just put a respectful distance between graduation & your invitation. I'm thinking a few months. Google him or ask around to make sure you know his relationship status. Just because he's not married, doesn't mean he's not involved. If he does say no, let it go. Don't stalk him. Take your new found degree & go do something wonderful with your life.

Good luck.

[Rakshasa]

I tried looking him up. He has a Facebook, but it's private, so I have no idea if he's in a relationship :\ And I did try adding him a while back but he didn't add me back. I'm just wondering if he said no because I'm his student or because he just really doesn't want anything to do with me. Or both ... ESPECIALLY because of the way he put it, it made me feel like maybe when I'm not his student anymore it would make a difference, but maybe he just said it to emphasize a point or let me off easy. Men are confusing x.x

[DalM0m]

When I said look him up I meant read his CV through the school.

The reason I said that you could ask again when you are not a student is that he specifically said he doesn't socialize with students so I thought you MIGHT have a shot when you are no longer a student.

When I was a professor, I would always tell my students who asked that I could not socialize with them while they were in my class but once school was over we could be FB friends or whatever. A few took me up on it -- none romantically -- & our relationships evolved over time. Actually one of my former students went on to become a professor where I was teaching (not the school where I taught him). We became great friends. Many of our mutual students were awed by the fact that he used to be my student.

I am social friends with a few of my former professors & teachers now that I am an adult. I even dated one years ago.

[Boisdevie]

He is twice your age. Stop being foolish.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Give him a bj after class or during office hours.

[Rakshasa]

He is twice your age. Stop being foolish.

what difference does age make?

[basilandthyme]

what difference does age make?

It depends on what you want from a relationship. If you just want a casual thing, age will make very little difference.

But if you want a relationship where you build your lives together, it will make a huge difference. For instance, many people your age would want to have children at some stage in the next 10 years or so. But a 50yo is very unlikely to want to go back to raising babies. Likewise, when an older person retires, they may want to travel the world - generally seek a relaxing lifestyle....but the young person will be tied down with career and/or children and doesn't have the choice to slow down and enjoy with their partner.

Having said that, I do know a couple of women my age who've married and had families with men who are 20 years older. And those men seem very disengaged with the kids. And the kids have got a really old dad.

[Starnique]

what difference does age make?

It does make a difference. If you like him, then by all means go for it but it does make a difference. In between all those years apart of ya'lls age, their is life and experience and maturity levels. Think about it. When you're 40, are you really going to be the same woman that you are now? Are you going to have the same thoughts and actions? If you were older, you wouldn't even need to go through this forum for advice. You will just go for what you want and move on if it doesn't work. You would need less clarification on a situation like this.

Also, like Basil said. He's already lived his life for the most part and you're still growing and developing. It depends on what you want in life and what you want from him. If you want to be with him casually then no big deal. He'd loved to have a young, hot piece of ass riding him. If you're talking about being exclusive, it will make a big difference.

[Rakshasa]

I definitely do not want kids ... and either way, before all of that even needs to be discussed I just want a chance to get to know him better ... not as my professor, but as a person outside of academic environment ... I don't even know what kind of relationship i would want, after all I barely know anything about him. That would be decided upon after learning more about each other.
And that's the part that I'm having trouble with

[Starnique]

I think he really just wants to keep it professional. I'll bet if you already graduated and see him outside the school, then he would be more then willing to get to know you (assuming he isn't involved with anyone or just genuinely not interested). If he is one of those men that is serious about his career and practices professionalism, you just have to respect that.

[Starnique]

I know how you feel. I remember I worked at this company and I had a huge crush on the site leader. Not manager but site leader (I aims big) but he was only like 10 to 12 years older then me. Anyway, he and I would always make eye contact and he would smile and act like he needed to talk to his assistant but I would notice him, looking at me as I sat in my cubicle. It was weird that his office was on the third floor that I was on. I would walk past his office and I was really attracted to him and I could tell he was attracted to me. One day, I was on the elevator and he got on. Just the two of us. I thought it was the perfect opportunity and I knew he was interested but he never approached me, besides Good Morning, How are you? blah blah. But I realized he had a important position and I had to respect it. I still think to this day if the circumstances was right, I could have got him if I pushed a little harder. He would've lost control. But I stopped working there. I moved on but I respected his position.

[Rakshasa]

I definitely do not want to do anything that he might interpret as disrespectful. I would hate myself for that.
He used to be the chair of our math department so he is very serious about his career and I do not want to do anything to jeopardize it, which is why I backed off. I mean I'm not like following him around and coming to all his office hours, only when I really need help.
So now I'm just not sure if I already ruined things by asking and if I should've just waited or if I can still try again after I graduate.

[Starnique]

No you didn't ruin things. How else would you have known if you didn't ask? I just think the timing was wrong. You should wait until you graduate. You can still be friendly towards him but not over the top because those actions may ruin it. Since he is serious about his career, he's not going to jeopardize it. You will have a better more promising shot with him if you wait until the time is right.