Feeling insecure - anyone got some advice?

[Wakeup]

She's not willing to introduce you to her parents and she's not willing to be in a relationship with you because her parents want her to marry someone of her own background... "and it would be unfair to you. HEAR THAT LOUD AND CLEAR for goodness sakes. You are chasing the wrong woman. She is going to hurt you and the more you play at being her boyfriend, while she keeps you at arms length (by telling you what her ex is saying and by telling you that she "loves someone else" and not you specifically)

I've seen so many people get hurt because they are in too deep with people who's parents dictate who they will marry and when. You'd do well to keep that fact as well as the two that I mention above in mind. You have more feelings for her then you should. Step back or ask to meet her parents now. Dating behind her families back is your clue that you're not someone she looks at as her LIFEmate.

She may not be "hinding anything from you" but she's certainly hiding you from those who count in her world. That's a huge red flag amongst all the others I see.

She says she can't be with me in a relationship officially as it's not 'fair on me for us to have to sneak around and hide the relationship from her parents'.

Whether she loves you or not, she will very unlikely go against her parents wishes. Best you find out if that is the case sooner, rather then later.

Sorry, if that makes you feel insecure but you need to hear what she has said to you. There are two threads that have been written in this forum alone withint the past six months where someone fell in love with and had a sexual relationship with who's family wants their partner to marry within their faith/background and they were both crushed when neither were ever introduced to the family and the relationship ended when neither of these people would go against their families wishes.

What she said to you about not making your relationship official is very telling.

[rohit56601]

trust your instincts nd do whateva ur heart says...

[lover145]

OP it's also worth considering that she might be playing games with you and if she is then holy shit are you falling for every single one of them hook line and sinker. "My ex is trying to get my back!!!" sometimes is a deliberate effort to make a boyfriend insecure and chase her harder and shower her with affection and preferential treatment out of fear of losing her, and sometimes she is trying to fabricate an element of competition between her current bf and her ex because being competed for gets her off.

And judging by the way this has your head spinning the brutally honest truth is you're making yourself helplessly easy to manipulate.

I'm not saying all of this is definitely true but it certainly does happen and it is a possibility, especially when you consider everything Valixy said above.

Whether she's playing games or not, you need to stop playing it. Put it behind you and keep doing what you were doing before as if this never happened.

If silly games like this have you feeling this much internal turmoil then that's your internal dialogue telling you that something in YOUR world needs to change, you are not where you want to be in life and you do not have the things going for you that are congruent with your core values as a human being, work your ass off toward changing this and you will become the type of person to whom these games are cute and quaint as opposed to earth shattering.

An interesting theory! I'll just go back to what I was doing...thanks for ur advice bro..really need to take a hard look at myself.

[lover145]

She's not willing to introduce you to her parents and she's not willing to be in a relationship with you because her parents want her to marry someone of her own background... "and it would be unfair to you. HEAR THAT LOUD AND CLEAR for goodness sakes. You are chasing the wrong woman. She is going to hurt you and the more you play at being her boyfriend, while she keeps you at arms length (by telling you what her ex is saying and by telling you that she "loves someone else" and not you specifically)

I've seen so many people get hurt because they are in too deep with people who's parents dictate who they will marry and when. You'd do well to keep that fact as well as the two that I mention above in mind. You have more feelings for her then you should. Step back or ask to meet her parents now. Dating behind her families back is your clue that you're not someone she looks at as her LIFEmate.

She may not be "hinding anything from you" but she's certainly hiding you from those who count in her world. That's a huge red flag amongst all the others I see.

Whether she loves you or not, she will very unlikely go against her parents wishes. Best you find out if that is the case sooner, rather then later.

Sorry, if that makes you feel insecure but you need to hear what she has said to you. There are two threads that have been written in this forum alone withint the past six months where someone fell in love with and had a sexual relationship with who's family wants their partner to marry within their faith/background and they were both crushed when neither were ever introduced to the family and the relationship ended when neither of these people would go against their families wishes.

What she said to you about not making your relationship official is very telling.

Thanks for ur advice Wake up. Her mum does know about me. The girl I'm interested in thinks she will be more accepting if we 'take it slow'...The mum knows that her daughter is 'into' me...and she knows im into her...she asks her daughter about me all the time. I sent flowers to her work for her bday (she works with her mum) and her mum witnessed it all and thought it was cute. So I'm technically not a secret..I'm just not sure how serious the mum thinks me and her daugther are together...her mum does have the suspicions that we really are into each other.

The girl I'm into is willing to let me meet her mum...ive asked her before...its just getting the timing right apparently so she will accept me..she said next time i can meet her..(which is this trip im going to later this week) but her mum is away in another city for business when im coming down...so it'l have to wait till im there again in december...she seems pretty confident her mum will accept me..her dad is another story..hes strict..lol..agh i dont know what to do..kinda feeling insecure all over again boo

[hex :)]

She's not willing to introduce you to her parents and she's not willing to be in a relationship with you because her parents want her to marry someone of her own background... "and it would be unfair to you. HEAR THAT LOUD AND CLEAR for goodness sakes. You are chasing the wrong woman. She is going to hurt you and the more you play at being her boyfriend, while she keeps you at arms length (by telling you what her ex is saying and by telling you that she "loves someone else" and not you specifically)

I've seen so many people get hurt because they are in too deep with people who's parents dictate who they will marry and when. You'd do well to keep that fact as well as the two that I mention above in mind. You have more feelings for her then you should. Step back or ask to meet her parents now. Dating behind her families back is your clue that you're not someone she looks at as her LIFEmate.

She may not be "hinding anything from you" but she's certainly hiding you from those who count in her world. That's a huge red flag amongst all the others I see.

Whether she loves you or not, she will very unlikely go against her parents wishes. Best you find out if that is the case sooner, rather then later.

Sorry, if that makes you feel insecure but you need to hear what she has said to you. There are two threads that have been written in this forum alone withint the past six months where someone fell in love with and had a sexual relationship with who's family wants their partner to marry within their faith/background and they were both crushed when neither were ever introduced to the family and the relationship ended when neither of these people would go against their families wishes.

What she said to you about not making your relationship official is very telling.

If they go against their family they will have nothing left after the relationship ends. Lets be honest here most relationships end up failing sometime however you are stuck with your family for life. So idk you should not always follow your heart sometimes it is your greatest enemy and other times its your greatest ally.

[lover145]

thnx for ur reply hex. some good thoughts.

She just called me...shes currently away on holidays with her family at the moment will be back end of the week (before she left she wanted to video skype with me as she said 'she'd miss me')

She was at the beach with her family and said on the phone 'the couples here are so cute, come and be my boyfriend and walk with me along the beach'..i told her 'u know my only wish in the world is to be officially your boyfriend and to make u the happiest woman alive! id be the happiest man alive! and we'd be the cutest couple on that beach! haha'. she responded "i know gorgeous..you know i love you more than anything in the world and i do want to be with you..i just have to take it slow for now.."..shes explained what 'taking it slow' means to me before in the past..i didnt ask her again..( shes explained to me before that taking it slow means so her family will accept me in time.) She is slowly introducing me to them by mentioning/talking about me more to them etc. Now her mum asks about me heaps. I responded with "I understand bub..hopefully I will be accepted by ur family one day. U are worth the wait!!"..(and to me she really is..) She said 'You will be don't worry, I love you." The topic then changed...

Any advice for this? Am I being screwed around and should bail before I get in too deep and hurt? Is she being genuine that she wants to be with me? I need a change in my life at the moment. I live in a small country town..shes in the city..and i want to work in that city..and have a chance at being with her..im applying for jobs there..Should I just keep on doing what I'm doing? I really do love her...just don't want to get hurt too much I guess if she found another guy. I just want to know if I'm getting screwed around I guess...thoughts?

[cassabell]

It doesnt sound like your being screwed around. It sounds like she has been hurt in the past and wants to trust you enough to know that it will work. and it sounds like you want that to. I really dont think your being screwed around.

[lover145]

thanks for ur advice cassabell

[Loveworld]

just masterbate

[DalM0m]

I don't know that much about these intercultural relationships. If she is telling you that by moving slowly, her parents will gradually accept you, until she does something to break that trust (& from where I sit, she hasn't yet) you have two choices: you can trust her as you have been doing or you can demand to meet the family now. If you pick demand to meet them & the father forbids her from seeing you, she will most likely abide by his wishes.

Although others were more blunt in their directives to you & the reasons behind them, the probablity that if pushed she will pick her family, is the reason I told you to tread lightly & cautiously for a reason. Remember, Romeo & Juliet was a tragedy not a happily every after love story / romance.

[Wakeup]

If she's pushed she will pick her family? If she's not pushed she will pick her family. She has told him outright that their relationship cannot be official. That is the biggest red flag that he needs to get clarified.

you know i love you more than anything in the world and i do want to be with you..i just have to take it slow for now.."..shes explained what 'taking it slow' means to me before in the past..i didnt ask her again..( shes explained to me before that taking it slow means so her family will accept me in time.)

She holds all the power in this clandestine affair you have going on with her. Her words of love do not match her actions of denying you. Just be aware of that as you go forward with her. If she keeps up this avoidance of you meeting her family, then perhaps she would be open to you at least meeting her best friend? See how she responds to that request. If she blows you off then that would be yet another red flag that you shouldn't ignore (but you probably will).

You didn't find it convenient that her mother will not be there when you will be? All I'm saying to you is to take a step back and let her show you in some solid actions that you will be introduced to her family. So far, it's all just been words that you believe without actions to back them up. YOU go slower.. let her catchup.

[lover145]

Thanks for all your advice guys Yeah I'm going to take a step back I've decided. I've met two of her family members on my last trip - her female cousin and that female cousins mother. Both seemed really nice and welcoming to me. Hung out with that cousin all day with the girl im interested in. Met the mother of that cousin for about 15 mins and had a chat. She was nice. But yeah, the girl im interested in keeps telling me no matter what i say that our relationship cant be official because of her parents...and continually says we needa take it slow so they will accept me...I'm starting to question her trust to be honest...what if its not just that, its because she wants to have 'fun' with other guys? (i sound like a psycho now i know LOL)...just cant help these negative feelings going through my head...

I've tried avoiding her calls/texts every day...People tell me its unhealthy to keep in contact with the girl ur interested in every single day..and that u need ur own space sometimes..to show the other person that I do have a life of my own and my life doesnt revolve around her...which is what i kind of feels like at the moment. However, she ALWAYS texts me first every day withou fail and asks how my day is going etc etc and that she loves me. This situation is weird and confusing as hell..and i always reply...should i?

I dont know, something inside me tells me shes hiding stuff from me...i know she has a lot of friends and she's always sociable with them through facebook and phone..after me and her skype till about 11pm every night (usually 2-3 hr video conversations), she says shes going to sleep..but then i know she jumps on her phone and goes on facebook to chat to her other friends. I dont know, i sound like a huge weirdo but could she be screwing around with me and chatting to other guys online too after she chats to me? It does make me paranoid. I really dont know anymore. If she hides me from her family and lies to them to see me when I'm in her area, what if she is lying to me too about other stuff?? This has always made me kind of not trust her fully...In saying this, she has told her mother once that I was in the area and she would be seeing me...her mother said it was fine as long as she brought a friend (she brought her cousin...hence u see her parents are very overprotective of her).

I think shes trying to make me jealous too...shes still on vacation and just today she said 'This guy tried to get my number today..." I think she tried to get a reaction out of me as she probably could see I got a bit jealous in my face (tried not to show it) when she told me about her ex texting her on skype 2 nights ago. This time however, it was over text. I just replied "Aww thats cute!"..(even though i was kind of jealous lol) and she replied with "nooo, he gave me his business card and it went straight in the bin". Why the hell do i feel insecure about these types of things? I have been cheated on many years ago with my ex...this could probably be why. I hate this feeling...anyone got any strategies of how to deal with it?

I probably sound like a huge psycho, I promise im not! LOL! I'm usually a friendly happy guy! (according to my friends LOL) I'm just a confused guy low on self-esteem. Been a crappy month...rejected from two job interviews, crap going on at work..family issues...and now this stuff with the girl i love...gunna keep fighting though (with the work /family related stuff)...not happy living where i am at the moment and want to move out Am i getting all worked out/stressed over nothing???? I really dont kow...Thanks for listening guys...ur advice is much appreciated.

[TablesandChairs]

LDR's cause insecurity and paranoia. It's just the way they are, hence why people tend to avoid them. But you're clearly serious about this girl and contemplating moving for her (pending a job). A four hour distance is not huge, some people face continents apart so in that respect, it's not so bad. But still, if you're going to relocate for someone, you need something from them. You need their honesty and their commitment.

Have a serious discussion with her - relocation is a big deal - you don't want to make the move only to have her say 'Oh turns out my mum doesn't like you sorry bye'. Explain that your feelings are strong and genuine and you're willing to shoulder some ups and downs together but you need something conclusive from her. Ask her how she would feel is you were telling her women were hitting on you all the time? Clearly, distance makes people jittery and she should be mature enough not to place unnecessary strain. Maybe she wants some validation and is feeling insecure herself, in which case just tell her - she doesn't need to play games, you're committed, so long as she can reciprocate.

[lover145]

Thought I'd give you all an update...I met with the girl last weekend in her city. It was amazing and we were both really happy to see each other. I could tell she was genuinely happy to see me. I took her out for dinner...had some laughs...then I basically brought up everything that was on my mind that ive stated in this thread. I used Dalmoms advice. I Told her I appreciated her being honest with me and her ex bf being in contact etc...I asked her straight out, why she could be in an official relationship with him, but not me "officially" as that's been bothering me. She told me 'because I was young and immature back then...i really want to make things work with you and introduce you to my family slowly so they accept u..you're the first guy EVER that i want to bring home and introduce to my family..with my ex, we had to sneak around to see each other..my parents didnt even know we were together.. I dont want that with you, i want to do it right as its not fair on u as i love u that much'..i told her that i totally understood that and we just went on to enjoying each others company and having fun together.

Unfortunately i didnt get to meet her mother on this trip...both of them work together, and they were flat out at work according to her so she said it was best that i didnt come in...and her mum was in a cranky mood lol.. So i waited for her to finish work till we met with each other at the mall...her mother told her daughter that it was fine for her to see me. When I confronted her about this i said in a joking tone "what lame excuse did u use for her to allow u to come see me?" she insisted it wasnt, that she told her mother the truth..that she was going to see me..theyre so overprotective lol..but i dunno if i trust that. Could she be hiding me too? I do know her mother knows about me. She promised me that she would meet her mum next trip...so i guess I have to wait again.

Anyway, here's the weird thing...its now one week later since ive seen her in person. And two nights ago, we were skyping (video chat) and being idiots to each other (fun way of course)...out of the blue she said "be my boyfriend"...I said "oh ha ha joke of the year"...but she kept insisting she wasnt joking...and she wasnt, she had a serious look on her face all of a sudden..she said she wanted me to be her boyfriend...i told her straight up "what the? last weekend u said i have to wait caus u wanna take it slow etc etc"..i assured her i was totally fine that we can wait and take it slow as she said caus i wanna make it work..when i confronted her about this when i saw her in person, i told her i understood and assured her it was ok..but she said "it doesnt matter, i want to be with you and only you, be my boyfriend"..i said yes...i asked her "what about your parents and taking it slow?" she said "well theyre going to have to accept us, i want to be with you, i love you.i want them to see how happy you make me"..she then went on to say "you can meet my mum next time ur here, i promise"..

Have I made a big mistake? I do love this woman....but im really confused and lost at the moment. Recently on skype, when we've been video chatting, i know her ex boyfriend has been contacting her on facebook..and she has been typing back to him while in the call with me..again, being me, this has been making me insecure. I told her "u look cranky"..and she said "yeah thats because my ex is bothering me on skype.." she went on to say some stuff that he was saying, that he always loved her, take me back, etc etc...i dont know if im overthinking this, but do you think shes using me to get back at him? to make him jealous and let him chase her even harder to see if he really loves her? she has told me in the past, her ex cheated on her with another girl, and ditched her to be in a relationship with this girl. She refers to him as an "asshole"..but why is she still talking to him if hes an asshole? it makes no sense. SO i asked her. She said "because if i dont write back he will get his friends to annoy me"..confused lol..

Any advice appreciated guys

[DalM0m]

Hold her to her promise to meet the mom. If she comes up with an excuse as to why that can't happen on your next visit I think you have to start assuming that she's playing you.