Feeling insecure - anyone got some advice?

[lover145]

Hi everyone,
A bit of a dilemma here. Long story short, I'm really in love with this lady. It's a long distance 'relationship'. I live about 4 hrs away from her and am seeing her next week. We Skype every night, talk on the phone...We're not officially together yet though...with her religion and background her parents/family have to approve me, etc etc. They're Lebanese living in Australia, and they like tradition for their daughter to be with a Lebanese person (I'm Australian/Fijian)...and the girl I'm interested suggested to take it slow and they will eventually accept me as I do really love her. They do know about me, just not how serious me and their daughter are. I haven't met her parents. I'd do anything for her. She says she can't be with me in a relationship officially as it's not 'fair on me for us to have to sneak around and hide the relationship from her parents'. She says she feels the same way about me and that she loves me. We've known each other for a little over a year now.

Anyway, last night we were skyping and she went "Oh my god people are annoying!" After I asked her what was wrong she said "my ex (who is Lebanese who her parents knew about) just broke up with his girlfriend because he wants me back and is doing the 'i miss u' messages to my phone". I asked her upfront "would you take him back?" she said "no, I'm in love with someone else". I don't know whether I fully believe her though, as her face did change a little when I asked it...now I'm feeling a bit worried/jealous/insecure! Agh! lol! She said that he's "trying to get her back" and this makes me paranoid and worried. He'll be chasing her, approaching her...and I won't be there as I live out of town...and the thought of this scares me..what if she has a moment of weakness? I hate feeling this way.

I've been trying desperately to get a job near her in her city, and was very close to landing a job there, but just narrowly missed out...I'm going to keep on trying though as I've never really felt this way about a woman before. I'm just going through a series of emotions at the moment...Maybe I'm not good enough for her? She has a guy who lives in her city who is interested in her..is it unfair that I'm holding her back from having that and being happy with him? I'm feeling so overprotective/insecure...Should I tell her how I feel and what I'm thinking when I see her later in the week in person? Or will this freak her out and make me look like a psycho/wuss? Or should I just be myself (which I can always be around her) and just have fun/enjoy each others company as we do find it hard to catch up with each other in person? Should I save this 'serious' convo for a skype session or phone call? Or should I not say anything at all about it and show her how much she means to me through my actions? I'm not sure. Any advice appreciated

P.s. she's been asking me if I love her a lot recently...what does this mean?

[bessieb]

Serious chats should be done face to face, not on Skype or phone.

That being said she has told you about this guy, if she was interested in him, why would she tell you, she's being honest about it with you and letting you know what's happening. I can understand your insecurities, you're a distance away from her whilst it's happening and anything like this will always make us ask questions of ourselves, the relationship and other person. The fact that she's asking you if you love her a lot, could be because him coming back is making her a little bit insecure in your relationship and she needs to know if you love her. It's always flattering to have an ex or anyone for that matter pay us a bit of attention, even when in a solid relationship, it's how we handle it, that makes the difference.

She has opened up to you and told you, I would take that as a positive and maybe mention it when she comes, as in, how's it making her feel that he's coming onto her, if it leads into a serious chat, great, if not just show her how much you love her, have fun and have a fantastic time whilst she's with you. No girl likes a pushy guy, it's a huge turn off.

[lover145]

Thanks for your reply bessieb. It is much appreciated
I'm a bit confused though, are you saying she is most likely interested in him? This feeling sucks! I'll definitely look at it as a positive though...and will definitely bring it up to her in person when I see her later in the week. Won't be pushy, will be positive

[lover145]

Also, wouldn't asking her about this guy show her I'm insecure...? isn't that a huge turn off too for ladies? Really don't want to drive her away and freak her out...

[bessieb]

No I'm not saying she's interested at all, sorry if that came across.

You're asking how she's feeling about the situation, so no that would not be pushy, if you were to say, why's he got in touch, how many times has he, what's he saying....that sort of thing, it would come across as pushy but because your asking from a different angle and how she feels about him contacting her, it's not showing insecurities.

You're right though, be positive and see that she's talking to you about it all, if she had anything to hide, she wouldn't have mentioned it.

[Valixy]

She shouldn't have mentioned this to you and put you through all this tension. That's what a mature girl does anyway, she firmly dismisses the ex and avoids unnecessary drama in the relationship. This is like going out one night with your girl friends and being approached by a guy, you say no because you're in a relationship and continue having fun with you friends. There's no reason to tell your boyfriend about that the next day unless you know he won't be affected by that or because it might be something that you both like to share, as some couples do.

I think that she was immature for telling you this but you'll have to be the bigger person and trust that if she is indeed the right girl for you and your feelings are well invested in her, she will respect the relationship with you. What you can't do is drive yourself crazy and think that you have to do and prove to her even more than you've been doing until now when you've already given yourself totally in this relationship. The other partner also holds some responsibility for the relationship to run smoothly, you know, and you can't and shouldn't think that you have to somehow be able to do her part too if she doesn't step up to the required level.

I'd say don't give it too much importance, your peace of mind is very important and a requisite for this relationship to continue being an enjoyable one and for your personal well being.

[DalM0m]

She told you about him because she has nothing to hide. She's being up front & you're still upset. How much more upset would you have been if you found out about the EX contacting her in another way? Geesh. The girl can't win.

Tread lightly here. If she needs paranetal approval & you are not the right ethnic background for her parents to approve you have an uphill battle. Prejudice can be very hard to over come. You also don't know how the parents will react to the origins of your relationship. That generation may not be comfortable with this & may not think it's "real".

Serious conversations should ocurr in person.

If this other guy wasn't in the picture, would you stlll think you are not good enough for her? If yes bail now & go work on your self esteem. If his presence is all that is shaking your faith, try seeing yourself through her eyes & remember, she told you about him. She wasn't hiding anything.

[lover145]

Thanks bessieb and Valixy for your advice. why do you think she mentioned it to me? Do you this she's interested in getting back with her ex? I'm so confused right now...

[DalM0m]

Lover145 -- she mentioned him to you so that you would know she doesn't care about him. She's not hiding anything from you which is a good thing. If you start thinking she wants him & you pester her about it, you will drive her away

[lover145]

Thanks for your advice Dalmom. Ur right, I should appreciate she was upfront with me and mentioned him to me. Do you think shes interested in him?

I know i face an uphill battle to be with her regarding her parents...but it's worth the fight. She's an absolutely gorgeous girl and person inside and out..someone who I really relate well to, be comfortable around and can be myself around..she feels the same way..which is why she probably told me about the ex last night. I just freaked I guess, I've never been in this type of situation before..I've never felt like this about a girl before and all those negative thoughts came into my head and i self-destructed..cant imagine my life without her..and losing her to another guy.

Do you recommend I talk to her in person about this Dalmom, or just brush it aside and forget about it? Maybe I overreacted? I don't want to upset her. I can sometimes overreact, thats one of my weaknesses.

In answer to your question about the guy being in the picture, i'd say no..i think im good for her..we both get along like bread and butter when we're around each other...shes worth the fight and means the world to me..just confused about everything i guess..thanks for your advice

[lover145]

Lover145 -- she mentioned him to you so that you would know she doesn't care about him. She's not hiding anything from you which is a good thing. If you start thinking she wants him & you pester her about it, you will drive her away

Thanks Dalm0m...this made me feel better.. i will not mention him at all then when i see her in person then?..it just frustrates me that this guy is going to be hitting on her and there's nothing i can do about it since im not there yet...

[DalM0m]

Then give yourself a pep talk, stop overreacting & move on. If you say anything to her other than thank you for telling me he contacted you & I'm glad you trust in us to let me know, you will ruin this relationship with your insecurities because they come off at jealousy & mistrust.

[lover145]

Thanks Dalm0m! You have helped me calm down so much! I think its safe to say I can sleep tonight now. Definitely gunna give myself a pep talk, can't let things like this upset me. She trusts me enough to tell me something like that, and I need to trust her back and push my insecurities away. I don't want to drive her away with that. When I see her I'm just going to be my usual self, the one she fell for and treat her right Thanks a million!

[bessieb]

She told you about him because she has nothing to hide. She's being up front & you're still upset. How much more upset would you have been if you found out about the EX contacting her in another way? Geesh. The girl can't win.

Tread lightly here. If she needs paranetal approval & you are not the right ethnic background for her parents to approve you have an uphill battle. Prejudice can be very hard to over come. You also don't know how the parents will react to the origins of your relationship. That generation may not be comfortable with this & may not think it's "real".

Serious conversations should ocurr in person.

If this other guy wasn't in the picture, would you stlll think you are not good enough for her? If yes bail now & go work on your self esteem. If his presence is all that is shaking your faith, try seeing yourself through her eyes & remember, she told you about him. She wasn't hiding anything.

Some great advice here ��

[dickriculous]

OP it's also worth considering that she might be playing games with you and if she is then holy shit are you falling for every single one of them hook line and sinker. "My ex is trying to get my back!!!" sometimes is a deliberate effort to make a boyfriend insecure and chase her harder and shower her with affection and preferential treatment out of fear of losing her, and sometimes she is trying to fabricate an element of competition between her current bf and her ex because being competed for gets her off.

And judging by the way this has your head spinning the brutally honest truth is you're making yourself helplessly easy to manipulate.

I'm not saying all of this is definitely true but it certainly does happen and it is a possibility, especially when you consider everything Valixy said above.

Whether she's playing games or not, you need to stop playing it. Put it behind you and keep doing what you were doing before as if this never happened.

If silly games like this have you feeling this much internal turmoil then that's your internal dialogue telling you that something in YOUR world needs to change, you are not where you want to be in life and you do not have the things going for you that are congruent with your core values as a human being, work your ass off toward changing this and you will become the type of person to whom these games are cute and quaint as opposed to earth shattering.