Coping whilst GF loses weight

[Wakeup]

Your choice. Those social activities where they serve nice food? - can't you just go but eat less of what's on offer - it's called self control. I used to drink a lot. By your example, if I went to a social gathering where they had booze I'd have no choice but to drink. I don't drink at social gatherings because I decide not to do so.

Your looking at this incorrectly. You stopped drinking altogether but your gf can't stop eating all together or she'll die of starvation. Its like you trying to just have one drink and then stopping. Could you do that?

People addicting to substances find it far easier to quit because they cut them out all together. Its harder to quit eating or control over-eating if its become a bad habit because we cannot cut it out altogether so its a matter of re-educating one's shopping, and eating habits. Just like AA to help people with their addiction to booze, there are programs out there to help her with her bad habits ("addiction") to food.

[perceptiv1]

I think it is great that you were honest with her. Unless that's just an excuse of you just falling out of love with her. That is valid though. I am not attracted to heavy people and if my boyfriend did gain weight , we would have the same conversation. It's hard to lose the weight. And it's obvious she doesn't like it either. If she is giving it her all, then I would give her more time. But he sedentary lifestyle you can change immediately.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Good lord, just dump her, and find a skinny chick. She's not going to lose any significant amount of weight, so no need to try an force her.

[basilandthyme]

Agree. Sadly, she doesn't seem that dedicated. Friday night she drank a bottle of fizzy white. By my calculation that's almost 500 calories. So when she tells me she's trying to lose weight I'm tempted to mention things like this.

Yep, this is what I'm trying to explain about juggling lifestyle and weight. While she may want to be thin, she probably enjoys her lifestyle and really isn't prepared to give it up completely. This is why I'm predicting that she'll either yo-yo - or find compromise between a few extra pounds and not completely dumping the lifestyle she enjoys.

[Maple1714]

Bio - are you in love with her? I am thinking you are not...not really anyway. When we have really committed to loving and staying "in-love" with someone we are willing to see them through all of life's ups and downs. Now, your GF has gained weight and you don't find her attractive. I know attraction for men has a lot to do with appearance...but if you are this hung up on it I think you have fallen out of love. I think it's more of her lifestyle that you don't really like...not specifically her weight. It's her you are not attracted to...not specifically her body. If she is not willing to change her lifestyle like Basil mentions above...then to you that is saying she is not willing to work at the relationship. I don't know...maybe it's time to really evaluate your love for her?

[Boisdevie]

When we have really committed to loving and staying "in-love" with someone we are willing to see them through all of life's ups and downs.

I agree but that can only go so far. She's actually on a diet now - I think she realises that she needs to make changes and I'll support her as best as I can. But to get back to your point, if you follow that line of arguement then logically you should support your partner regardless of how they change - would you support a partner who became an alcoholi? Or because so obest they were killing themselves? Or took lots of drugs? Or slept with other people? Or knocked you around? Of course these are extremes to make my point but surely it's a valid point.

[Wakeup]

Loving someone "no matter what" is enabling behaviour. Maple, I'm sorry but that is codependent thinking at its finest. He may still love her but to stay with her and not be physically attracted to her is not good for his own ability to remain faithful. Should we stay with someone who has been cheating, should we stay with someone who is a drug abuser, and alcohol abuser just because we still love them? To do so is enabling them to not have to change... to be who they are or who they have become.

Bois. you may not still love her (only you know the answer to that) but to say you'd accept her as she grows means you really love her isn't fair to you. IMO.

[Maple1714]

Loving someone "no matter what" is enabling behaviour. Maple, I'm sorry but that is codependent thinking at its finest. He may still love her but to stay with her and not be physically attracted to her is not good for his own ability to remain faithful. Should we stay with someone who has been cheating, should we stay with someone who is a drug abuser, and alcohol abuser just because we still love them? To do so is enabling them to not have to change... to be who they are or who they have become.

Bois. you may not still love her (only you know the answer to that) but to say you'd accept her as she grows means you really love her isn't fair to you. IMO.

You both are right...I guess I wasn't really thinking along the codependent lines. I do have a tendency to attract codependent people and create those types of relationships for myself so maybe I am not the best one to give advice on this subject ha. I think what I really mean is that if you love her, you will keep trying to help her loose weight and change her lifestyle....but only to a point. We all (hopefully) have that point of no return when we are just done trying to help someone. Of course, you can't keep trying to help her if she isn't going to do the work herself...and if she wont then you should leave. You do have to find your partner physically attractive...and weight is an issue. If she has problems now how will it be if you 2 ever had kids? As women age, have children etc....the weight can become even more of an issue. Diets are ok I guess...but who ever really sticks to diets for long periods of time? Dieting sucks.

If I had a partner who sudden;y became an alcoholic or drug addict...there would obvi be other serious issues going on. My BF in college lost his younger brother to a drunk driving accident. After that he became very depressed and a serious drug addict. I tried and tried...even moved 2,000k miles away from home with him for a fresh start. He couldn't get it together so one day I packed all my stuff up and left. Best thing I ever did for him and myself. He cleaned up, went back to college and just got married to a very nice girl a few months ago.

[Maple1714]

^^^ Bio, I forgot you are a bit older than I am...how old is your GF? The point I made about weight after having kids is prob. a moot point if you are both already past that stage. The Paleo diet is pretty cool...if someone can stick to it. You can still eat a lot!