looking for advice about bf's past flirting and such

[JaeSung]

This was a little over a year ago. And was very short term. None of this has gone on since then. I know this since I know his login info for fb, and all his screenlock passwords.

But back last year he had flirted with a small amount of other girls. One in particular. He would talk with her about places they've had sex. What their bodies look like. He asked her what she thought of his body. And would say what he thought of hers. Sex was never brought up. But just talking about each others bodies was already going too far. He said she initiated the chat, which I saw to be true. But he didn't have to agree to it. He and I may still have been just fwb back then, in his mind at least. But that's still no excuse. That still doesn't make it right, just because back then it wasn't an actual relationship between us.

And I saw a text to another friend where he told them that this girl from the above text, smelled good. And what should he do?

And another, he asked them if they knew of a girl, or two or three to toss his way. (this is when he and I were on a supposed break. But still)

And another thing is with this actual female friend of his, who he did have sex with once, long before he and I met, when they were both high. Last year, though he and I were involved, he told her he'd think of her in his dreams. And some days before that, he asked her if she'd come to Minnesota for some lovins. No way would a sensibly thinking person think that is ok to ask someone, when you're involved with someone else.

I see no reason to end things, based on that. But am I right in being bothered by it? He doesn't even flirt with other women now. But it's still the fact that I know about it now. So for me, it's not in the past, as it is for him. I have to deal with it now.

Now. I should mention the majority if not all of these texts were very late night/early morning texts. Very likely when he had been drunk. He did ALOT of drinking at the house he had been living at, at that time.

And it wasn't a good environment. Young people. Lots of alcohol, which is not good for him.

He was 40 at that time, and everyone who came to the house, and two of the people who also lived there, all in their twenties. And they all think it's cool to go out and get hammered, stay out til all hours. Really stupid stuff. Not a good environment for him.

My question is, based on the fact that very likely it was all done when he was drunk, and was very shortlived and over a year ago, should I just let it go. Or does he need to realize how this is affecting me now?

Instead of just telling me it's in the past. And ask why would I bring it up?

[smackie9]

It's what's important to you. If you wish to talk to him about it to work through your insecurities with him then do so. You can't change the past but you can learn to move forward eventually.

BTW there needs to be boundaries agreed upon by both parties when you go with FWB. You cannot assume they are going to be commited to you on an emotional level or physical level, because in reality it's a relationship based only on sex and not commitment. Him flirting with others should have been addressed at the beginning if you had a problem with this, but since you did not lay down specific ground rules with him, it's all fair game.

TBH I'm not sure why you would be with someone you have trust issues with in the first place. You shouldn't have to be having to looking through his FB, emails, phone texts to make sure he is honest.

[michelle23]

Id dump him. Sure you were FWB and not committed but his behaviour indicates that he has little respect for himself or women snd he was only interested in one thing. Are you sure you can really trust this guy? I wouldnt.. its only a matter of time before your relationship hits a rough patch or you have another break or a stupid fight and hes back to his old habits again. You can never have a healthy relationship with someone who uses sex/people/flirting to escape reality, deal with conflict or stress etc. Hes not emotionally mature and at 40 hes not gonna change

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[lausieboo]

why are you even with someone who is 40 living with twenty year olds and has a bit of a drinking problem and no respect for you? Just dump him...

[Peterd191]

Give him the elbow!

[Starnique]

He's being disrespectful. That is totally unacceptable. Get rid of his dirty ass. The fact that you dont see the disrespect in this makes me question your self worth.

[basilandthyme]

Given that you were only FWB, I see nothing wrong with his prior behaviour. If you wanted to be treated with the respect given to a girlfriend, you shouldn't have been putting out for someone who wasn't a boyfriend.

[HeartIsAching]

He and I may still have been just fwb back then, in his mind at least.

What exactly does that mean? Was he your BF or not?

[Starnique]

If he wasnt your boyfriend then he had that right. If he was trying to talk to you, acting as if he wanted to take it to the next level then thats still shady. Like, why are you doing this when trying to be serious with me? Also, if he was officially your boyfriend, then yeah I meant what I initially said.

[michelle23]

Guys am i missing something here. This man is like 40, living with a bunch of teeny boppers and party animals spending half his time getting drunk and chatting up women young enough to be his daughters and your actually thinking it would be okay to stay with this perverted loser? Okay then... im not even gonna bother giving a lecture to OP about her self esteem, self worth or taste in men. If she hasnt figured it out by 40 then meh.. its her funeral

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[smackie9]

Well Jaesung now you know what kind of guy you are dating. You can't change him just because you have sex with him, he is the way he is. Since you can't go back in time, what the hell do you expect him to do about it? There is no way to be sure he isn't continuing with his flirting because there are things like "private browser" that eliminates detection of selected activities on your computer. There are ways around it my dear. What he was doing during that time speaks volumes of your value to him which was pretty much zero. Just because you spread your legs for a man doesn't always entitling you to commitment.

[Wakeup]

Seriously gurl... your entitlement issues are boldly showing through. Get over yourself and quit being a **** buddy if you don't like being a **** buddy. JHC.

That still doesn't make it right, just because back then it wasn't an actual relationship between us.

There's where you're wrong, cupcake.