It's hard to let go of the past - need advice

[qbanwayz]

About 7 months ago, I dealt with a really bad breakup. I constantly caught my ex lying to me, doing things behind my back and finally, I caught her cheating on me. Shortly after I cut off all communication with my ex, I found some one else. She really helped me get over my ex-girlfriend even though I still kinda hold a lot of resentment.

Anyways, Ive been with my current girlfriend for 6 months. My girlfriend is a very honest person. We had a very open discussion about our past which included the things her and her former boyfriend of five years went through which included cheating on each other. They were young but eventually they worked there problems out. Unfortunately he did not change and she had to let him go. It hurt her really bad which took time for her to deal with. I did not give myself time to heal and I jump from one relationship to another.

The last couple of weeks I have been constantly thinking negatively about our relationship. I constantly think that eventually, I will get cheated on again. I dwell on things that she told me about her past and things I dealt with in my past. She has never done anything to make me suspicious, all she has done is been honest and open with me. I would look through her cell phone and emails when she is not around, always trying to look for something that I can accuse her of. It gets to a point that I am constantly thinking of these negative thoughts all the time that it is effecting me at work, school and relationship. I thought about breaking up with her because of it but I know that I have someone really good. She is everything that I want in a girl and I really want us to be happy, but these negative thoughts are getting in the way of my happiness. I really need to resolve my issues because if I don't, I will always suffer in any relationship I get involved in. It just seems that I'm not able to deal with the fact that people cheat and lie, and I was cheated on and lied to which felt horrible. I put this wall up and constantly judge people and say that there the same as my ex, the same as everyone else. I cant go on being like this.

I'm hoping someone can help me out and give me some good advice or recommend a book or something. I just want to be happy.

[Bonfire]

As you say it's only been 6 months since that happen. Of course you will have this issue.. With time, you can overcome it. It's a good start that you are well aware of the cause. Now you just need to built that trust within yourself again by meeting people who are trust worthy. I can tell you from my experience that many people are not trustworthy, they will lie and cheat if it benefits them. But there are many people who are. The good thing is you can learn to detect the honest people from the dishonest. It takes lots of experience reading people. So you can overcome this insecurity by becoming better judge of people. Don't go by what people say, go by their actions and their body language. Once you have confidence in your assessment of people then you can let go of your guard and give them that trust. And remember trust should be earn not given freely. Knowing that you have this problem at least you can prevent it from totally ruining your relationships. Don't let it affect your behavior. Step back and remind yourself that your gf deserves your trust since she's been honest with you this whole time and has not done anything to warrant your suspicion. Think positive and in time you'll overcome this insecurity. It might take a while so be patient.

[98db]

I had very similar feelings in my last relationship, but mine were centered around my insecurities. I did not want to go through her phone or her email but on one occasion my curiosity got the best of me. Regardless, I didn't find anything.

If she hasn't given you any reason to question her, than you have to trust her until she does otherwise. What I did (which may not be the right thing) was take note of how she was treating me. If she treated me great, and made me feel confident and secure about the relationship, I wouldn't worry about her fooling around.

The problem arises when you don't get that relationship reinforcement, when communication is declining and fights are increasing. Now the same actions that didn't bother you before probably conjure up those cheating thoughts.

If the relationship is going well, just focus on enjoying it. Don't wait, or worse, try and anticipate waiting for the other shoe to fall. You will miss out on something great.

[Kaius]

It depends on what her reason for cheating was, or if it was her 1st time.
When girls cheat repeatedly, it's a pattern. They shouldn't be cheating anyway because it's more honest to just break up first.
Yes it is hard to forget the past. You have to decide if she is worth risking your heart for.

[qbanwayz]

I know I have to keep positive, but its so hard to remove these negative thoughts from my head. It gets to a point that it gets me physically exhausted that I don't want to do anything. It has been hard to concentrate at work for the last couple of weeks and I have been slacking at school. I hope time can help me like you said bonfire. I'm trying to be patient. The good thing is that are relationship is going good. I hope it makes me overcome this negativity.

[devonbrown]

Time. That is the only thing that really helps.
But with your current gf, going through her phone and things is not good. It is going to cause more problems than if you actually found something. As you said, she has been nothing but open and honest with you. Going through her texts and things behind her back is a violation of the trust and honesty she has offered you. And, has earned at this point. Stop that type of behavior and try to deal with her as she is now. And as you are now.
The past is the past and will always remain in the past unless you consciously bring it into the present.

Good luck.