Serious Mistake - Can you help?

[geauxfan504]

Ok, I tried this in a different section and didn't get a response... I know what I did was horrible... If I could take it back, I would do anything to... But I can't...

I have had a best friend for quite a while... She stood by my side through my entire divorce... She had my back like no one else did. We never seemed to be interested in more, we just became best friends...

At one point we both took our kids (we both have boys around the same age that have gone to school together for years) to do something for a day... I finally realized I liked her... I brought it up n a text later that night and she agreed... Things were great from that point on... I have been on the 12 month divorce plan (it has taken forever) so we were real quiet about things... She knew my ex and I knew hers... I did awesome at avoiding my ex when my friend and I started dating...

Then one stupid time I went to meet my ex to get my son back by myself... (I usually brought a family member). We ended up kissing before leaving and I guess kind of touched each other (not craziness) and out of sight... I wasn't proud of it... However she called me later that night and brought it up on the phone and was nice enough to record it... Apparently she was well aware of my relationship. I went home and did a lot of thinking... I felt horrible about it, I wanted to tell my girlfriend about it but couldn't find the words... She was extremely happy and I didn't want to ruin that for her... I decided the next day that I had to immediately cut all contact with the ex and make sure she was aware we were strictly business... From that point forward I made sure everything was all about my girlfriend or our kids...

A few weeks later... Voila, this recorded phone call gets to the girlfriend... And her parents... Yada... When she confronted me I didn't deny it. She told me she would be mailing my stuff back... I left her alone... All I could do was say I was sorry, and that it was out of character for me. (which it was, I've not been on this side of the fence before). She called me later, she was mad, I let her have that... I deserved it... We had made a lot of long term plans and I ruined them... But we talked some... She came by to talk in person... She was unsure if she could trust me again or if she could get past what happened... She said she had to sort things out...

I felt bad, so that night I told her I would save her the trouble of a decision and we could go back to being friends... She didn't like me saying that and told me if I walked away from it I would be a cold hearted coward... and that if I wanted to prove things to her I would show her and she would see it or wouldn't... I told her I wanted to do that, I just didn't want to expect her to let me. Also, earlier and the day she had told me she was done and sending me my stuff back... She even text-ed me Friday morning and asked if I had dropped my kid off at school... I called her back and told her I had, was everything ok? She replied "well, you usually call me on your way to work?"

By Friday... She still wasn't aware of what she wanted to do, but at least said I love you back... We talked a little, but not much... She called me at 9pm, but I was asleep and she sent me a text " :-( I guess you fell asleep" but I woke up shortly and called her back... She just wanted to say goodnight...

Saturday I took our kids to a classmate's birthday party... She came to pick her's up from my house afterwards... We talked a little... She still had to sort things out... But told me she loved me and actually gave me a hug and a kiss... After she left I was real quiet with her... I had to think... She texted me at some point ":-( you got quiet." I told her I had been thinking and she asked if I wanted to share and I said I wasn't sure... She asked if she should come over, so she did... She was way more affectionate and told me she really missed me and loved me again... Then after we talked she went home... And text me "That doesn't mean I've made up my mind, ok? But I do love you."

Sunday we were both quiet... She sounded frustrated on the phone that night... When we got off the phone I didn't say I love you and she got kind of mad... She called me back later so I fixed that...

Monday she said we needed to stop discussing it so she could sort things out... I left it alone and then we saw each other like Thursday for a few minutes... She hadn't decided yet... She was trying to decide whether she would stay out of comfort or if it was still real?

We didn't talk much the next few days... Still occasional calls and I love you's. She came by Sunday evening... (I had left her flowers on her doorstep Saturday). She still wanted to hug and get a kiss... Told me she was angry still, but could be angry and still love me... I asked her what exactly I was supposed to do to prove things... She only responded "the flowers were nice." As of that day, she said we still weren't broken up at the moment...

She's been kind of cold this week... Not very talkative, short conversations... Still says I love you back... Actually said it first one morning... She still calls me every morning and after work...

Today we kind of talked about things... She said she's at the same place today that she was the day she found out... She's not leaning any direction... She's still not sure if she can trust me again... Has no idea what she wants, but doesn't want me to go at the moment... She likes that I bring someone with me to exchange my son (I have him 50% of the time). She worries that she doesn't know if I talk to the ex at night or that we don't meet up... (I completely despise my ex... While I am 100% sorry this happened, it also helped me realize there is no place for her in my life and the girlfriend was for sure who I wanted. It was like final closure.)

What should I do to fix this all together?? I told her I want just a chance to earn her trust back… I even text her my cellular account login…

Is this normal that 2 weeks go by and she hasn't left yet? Could she honestly have 0% of an idea of what she wants to do? What do you pick up from these events?

Sorry, but from a guy's perspective, if I didn't at least lean towards staying halfway I would have been gone...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Move out on your own. Tell her you can't remain in limbo, so you're going to move out an start moving on. Tell her to feel free to get back in contact, but you don't want to speak unless you're getting back together. My guess is she will cave right away, but maybe not. Either way, you'll have your answer, but it's much more attractive if you have the balls to walk away. Yeah, you ****ed up, but don't let her punish you eternally for it.

[geauxfan504]

Yeah. If it wasn't a good friend, I may say ok.

I did tell her on the phone like 30 minutes ago I needed to tell her something in person...

She asked if it was bad, and I said "depends on what you consider bad?"

So of course she asked if I was going to tell her "I'm not sticking it out and just want to go back to being friends."

I said "do you consider that a bad thing" and she said " well yeah..."

[michelle23]

You cant regain trust. Stay and have a destructive, co-dependant relationship or leave. You have to suffer the consequences. You cheated, deal with it and leave her alone. Otherwise prepare for a nightmare relationship from now on. Women dont get over this, full stop. She will never trust you again

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[michelle23]

Yeah. If it wasn't a good friend, I may say ok.

I did tell her on the phone like 30 minutes ago I needed to tell her something in person...

She asked if it was bad, and I said "depends on what you consider bad?"

So of course she asked if I was going to tell her "I'm not sticking it out and just want to go back to being friends."

I said "do you consider that a bad thing" and she said " well yeah..."

You chose to move your friendship to relationship territory which was fine but you cant go back to that now. Theres too much emotion and pain involved so dont go there. Thats even more selfish than the pain youve already caused her. You and her cannot be friends. Its all or nothing so make up your mind

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[geauxfan504]

That's not really what I'm asking... And it's not true that it's not gotten over. I have several friends that had this happen in their relationships and after a while everyone was fine again.

[geauxfan504]

Michelle, I've made up my mind. I want to fix this. I just found it odd that she said that....

I'm just trying to figure out what exactly she is wanting me to do?

[michelle23]

For you it may be fine after awhile but for her shell feel the urge to check your phone all the time and get anxious every time you leave the house. Plus you dont know that everything is fine in their relationships. Your an outsider looking in. People live a lie all the time..

Are you sure your over your ex? Your left alone with her once for 5minutes and this happens.. maybe your not ready to move on. You said its out of character and not something youve done before so my guess is there are still feelings there coz why would you risk it all for nothing?


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[geauxfan504]

It was stupid. I can honestly say there are no feelings. I think it was closure? We didn't have sex or anything like that. We kissed and maybe touched a little?

All I know was the day after that happened I was able to turn a switch off and I knew 100% I was done.

You're not going to tell me what any of the stuff I asked about means, are you? lol

[michelle23]

Shes angry, hurt, confused, cant make up her mind, she wants you to prove your sorry and it will never happen again. She wants to understand why it happened and you dont even understsnd that yourself..

I mean being cheated on hurts like hell, whether its just a kiss, a grope, sex, an orgy.. it all hurts the same coz its a betrayal and its very hard to forgive-even harder to forget

Right now it sounds like shes not ready to walk away and she wants you to make a big effort



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[geauxfan504]

So what do you suggest I be doing?

[TheEvilJester]

This is definitely a bit of a tricky situation here. On the one hand, cheating is obviously never okay. On the other hand, though, it isn't like you ran around on her with some new, young, hot thing or something like that. I am not saying this makes it okay, but this was somebody with whom you once thought you were going to spend the rest of your life. Somebody that, at one time, you thought was your true love. Those are complicated feelings that sometimes do take time to get over. Honestly, sometimes it takes a mistake like that to finally prove once and for all that you are better off without a certain person.

That doesn't change the fact that your girlfriend does have a right to be hurt and a little uncertain after this. But, it does make it at least a tad bit more understandable. That said, there really isn't much you can do. It sounds like you have been doing exactly what you should do. Which is to let her know how sorry you are, to ensure her that you will never screw up like that again, and then to actually prove it through actions. It is true that, if she is going to take you back, she cannot make you pay for this forever. However, you also shouldn't expect it to be the sort of thing she will easily get over in a few days or even a few weeks.

It may take some time. The more time goes on, the less you should have to keep explaining yourself and apologizing. It isn't necessarily easy, but something like this isn't always the death of a relationship. I mean, again, it could have been so much worse. Though it still isn't okay, this is somebody you had a recent and very close history with for some time. It is at least a little more understandable. That said, this, or anything like it, are certainly a mistake you can never make again. Good luck.

[michelle23]

Well stop saying you want yo go back to being friends for a start. Thats a cowards way of saying maybe if were best friends for a couple of months shell get over it so we can start again.

You need to face up to what you did, no excuses and tell her you need to know whether she can forgive you or not

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[geauxfan504]

Oh, Michelle. I cleared that up anyhow. That's not what I was looking to tell her, I told her I wasn't interested in running off.

From what you've read, would you say I have a chance at this?

[michelle23]

Yes i think you have a chance coz shes still talking to you but if she takes you back, you better prepare for a rollercoaster ride. This is gonna be even more difficult than your divorce. She will likely have severe anxiety for a long time and may even decide its not worth it in 6 months time. You need to research how to deal with this and research the affect this will have on her coz shes gonna hurt for a long time

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