Serious Mistake - Can you help?

[HeartIsAching]

It was stupid. I can honestly say there are no feelings.

Frankly, this is something everybody says about a fling when they're caught... and your wife will probably not believe it... but I have to say that it DOESN'T make it better, it makes it worse. I mean, you were willing to cheat on her with someone you have no feelings for?! What does that make your relationship with your wife? How important to you does that make your wife to you?

I think it was closure? We didn't have sex or anything like that. We kissed and maybe touched a little?

Whether or not you had sex is irrelevant. You cheated on her emotionally. She's been betrayed by the one she loves. Hear me loud and clear - I'm no saint, I've been that guy... I used to be a serial cheater; I've since had some much-needed therapy, and married the love of my life... and now, though I've had some offers from women who are exactly my type physically... I don't go there. My reaction these days is "It's not worth losing B______ over."

As regards your wife's trust issues, they're entirely justified. If you want to work on it, then I suggest couple's counseling. Work at it. Marriage isn't a static thing - you will both change. It isn't always easy - sometimes you have to say "you were right, I was wrong." If she's still talking, all hope is not lost.

[michelle23]

Good advice HIA but he cheated on his now gf with his ex wife. Just thought id let you know encase you wana add something else

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[geauxfan504]

You know... I know that no one person is the same... My ex cheated on me and I made it 8 years. We didnt even get divorced because of that. It was when we were first together. I know I was a roller coaster ride for a few months... But I saw a lot of things that showed me she could have my trust.

(Got divorced because we got along like oil and water).

I don't think if someone does the right things that it will stay miserable.

[HeartIsAching]

Good advice HIA but he cheated on his now gf with his ex wife. Just thought id let you know encase you wana add something else

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LOL, I actually knew that when I started typing, but I was strung out on Hydrocodone and apparently lost track halfway through. Damn pain meds.

[geauxfan504]

lol. Any positive words?

[michelle23]

Any update? Have you spoken to her?

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[Wakeup]

What was the point of your ex wife sending that to your gf? Does your ex want you back or, is she just a vindictive twat?
Anyway. Personally, I think you jumped into one relationship before the other one was completely finished and I think your gf is foolish for even getting romantically involved with you before your divorce is final and you've left said twat in your dust.

Anyway... You've both decided that neither of you are wanting to end this or she would have told you to FO by now and she hasn't. Just tell her that when she's ready she knows where to find you because this half-assed relationship the two of you are mulling back and forth isn't helpting either of you to let things go or to get back to the loving situation you were in before. Use your own words to tell her this: We have to move on and resume or just move on. Reverting back and demoting one another to "just friends" is a ridiculous notion that will just stagnate the two of you from moving on (if that's what she plans on doing). Can you even imagine how any new partner the two of you pursue would feel about you hanging one on one with a girl you once were sexually and romantically involved with? pfffft.

At best, if the two of you don't reconcile as lovers, then you'll be just in the same dynamic that you and your ex wife are in... which is only seeing one another to drop off the kids ( for play dates. ) Frankly, you didn't process one relationship before you started another and you've found yourself being manipulated by someone who is pissed off at you but doesn't want to lose you either. I think its time you forced her hand and stopped the game playing.

[geauxfan504]

Michelle, yeah I spoke to her this morning. Just normal talk... She still says I love you and whatever. I told her to come by this evening so we could talk if she has time.

I get what you're saying wake up. I've been on the 12 month divorce plan with someone that never wanted to reconcile. She is just making life hell. The gf isn't being unreasonable. She wanted time to think. It's been 2 weeks now and she said as of now we are not broken up. I would figure she's planning someone on staying if we aren't broken up and she still says I love you back?

[Wakeup]

I get what you're saying wake up. I've been on the 12 month divorce plan with someone that never wanted to reconcile. She is just making life hell. The gf isn't being unreasonable. She wanted time to think. It's been 2 weeks now and she said as of now we are not broken up. I would figure she's planning someone on staying if we aren't broken up and she still says I love you back?

Then make it clear with calm and matter of factness that she needs to be all in and stop with the fence sitting because as it is, its just uncomfortable and its driving an emotional wedge between the two of you that you don't want there to the tune that you can't get back what you once enjoyed. Do you see?

[geauxfan504]

Agreed... But she says she's still where she was on day 1 that this went down and isn't leaning either direction.

I guess I'm wondering if that's true. Would you really still be around, talking to me and saying I love you if you weren't leaning any direction?

[Wakeup]

That is where you need to stop letting her waffle. She keeps you on the hook. When you let her do that, she will sub-consciously lose attraction to you. I don't know of too many women that like a push-over. She needs to know that you want her and that you know she wants you too but it's not fair to either of you if she keeps you and continues to punish you for the stupid ass thing you did. You have to put it behind you and work on YOUR'S AND HER'S future together --- or not.

[michelle23]

Easier said than done though. She does need time to wrap her head around this and she will punish you for awhile. You are in no position right now for ultimatums. Youll push her further away if you tell her shes gotta let it go now coz you need to understand how shes feeling first. Fair enough it was a stupid kiss. Maybe she can forgive that in time but you need to be sure this aint ever gonna happen again. If she forgives you, you cant take advantage of that and think its a free pass to do whatever you want. Its not. It means she loves you enough to give you ONE mlre chance so dont **** up again

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[geauxfan504]

I'm going with Michelle on this one... I've stepped very carefully not to come across as impatient or frustrated, even though I am frustrated... But I do realize it is entirely my fault... I have to let her have time to figure it out, I really was just looking for signs that she was planning on hanging around, and since I have this horrible uncanny ability to read into things, I decided to bring it up for opinions.

Michelle, are you serious? A free pass? No way... If she loves me enough to go past this I will make sure she knows I am all about her. I am not a serial cheater, and never have been. I just made a stupid mistake... I had a horrible weekend that weekend, my ex had decided to fight me for custody and I was served the Thursday before it happened... She held a lot over my head and I was under a lot of pressure... Honestly, I have been so ready for this to be over... I thought if I played nice maybe she'd go away... I KNOW... STUPID!!!! I also might throw in, I didn't take my meds that weekend...

I really am a good guy... I was always good to my ex... She just got really harsh in the end... I became her doormat... The g/f is the one that was my best friend and helped me not feel helpless through my entire divorce... She knew my ex used me as a doormat and that I am way too nice...

I have taken a lot of big steps since that mistake happened... I only meet to exchange my son with a family member with me! I am working with the amicus attorney to get her attorney to agree to allow us to not have to exchange at all... We split custody 50/50. I want to arrange it so that her week starts on Monday (She can pick him up from school instead of get him from me on Sunday). Also, whoever has him that week, the other parent gets to spend Wednesday evening with him for a couple of hours... I want to turn the Wednesday deal into an overnight thing so we can altogether avoid in person meetings... I also do not speak to her period on the phone. Everything is a text, and may strictly only relate to our son. I actually added another line to my phone account so that if she ever wants to speak to him she can simply call his phone. I had actually cut off my own contact with her the day after the incident... But I would still discuss business only with her on the phone... Now she will never hear my voice until it's just not avoidable! She has a way of getting into my head, probably not now... Now I really do have nothing but hate for her. I was being way too nice through the divorce process... I needed something like this to happen so I had ZERO feelings for her. Originally I still wanted to get along after the divorce, not now. What pisses me off most isn't that she got into my life... It's that she really upset someone that I truly love... See, I didn't fall in love with my ex... She kind of forced me into "us." I just grew used to her and loved not being alone... The girlfriend on the other hand... I built a strong bond as friends with her, she always had my back as a friend... One day I told her I liked her, she said she felt the same. We were truly in love... I had never just felt that way about someone without lots of time... I know that sounds ridiculous, since I made that mistake... But it also reinforced how I felt about her...

So anyhow... She's actually been chatty today. She went somewhere with her family... I was quiet this morning... I've just been trying to step back to give her space... But when I do that, she starts texting or calling... She kept sending me pictures of what they did today and telling me about it... She called me about other stuff...

My son and I have this tradition I jacked from my parents... We get eachother Christmas Ornaments for our tree... Today we went to do that, he suggested we get one for her and her son.(The boys have been best friends since pre-k). I told her to stop by if she had time.... They did, and we gave them their Ornaments.... They liked them! I got her a card and she read it, she said it was sweet and gave me a kiss. (I pointed out in writing "You found the one guy that made a mistake, but you also found the one guy that cares so much he will work as hard as he has to in order to make things right and keep them that way.")

We won't have our kids on Thanksgiving, so she suggested we have Thanksgiving at my house together. She said we can talk then since we won't have kids.

We talked for a few minutes... I said something about her being cold for a bit, and that I understood, but it does hurt. She said something about not wanting me to go anywhere still... I said "did you really think that's what I was going to tell you I didn't want to do the other day?" and she said yes... And I asked her "did you really not want me to?" She said she didn't, but didn't want to make me feel like I had to stick around... Or if I met someone else... So I told her I don't want to go anywhere, I've got no plans to, I don't want to meet anyone else and she's not making me feel like I have to stick around, I'm doing it because that's what I want to do.

Thank you Michelle, for being a little more light hearted with me on this... I really mean it, I'm not a bad guy... I just made a stupid mistake... Never made this one before, but now that I have, I never will again... I know how it feels on both sides of the fence now... Also, regardless of what happens, I am never making friends with my ex.

[geauxfan504]

lol that was a long post.

[michelle23]

I believe your not a bad guy and i know you feel bad so im not gonna try and make you feel worse. Youve learned your lesson and i get that youve been through a lot. Prob loads of confusion etc. Ive never been divorced or through a really bad break up and i get that it would mess with anyones head.

You just need to be totally honest with her now and try to make some sense of what happened. You also need to work on your confidence so your never a doormat again.

I hope you and she can work things out

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