One Girl Responds Badly to Good Gestures and Another Does the Opposite .. Why?

[RobertWQ]

Assuming your question has a reason other than sarcasm / mocking behind it, why do you ask? I am actually coming off a period where I haven't been dating much (I oscillate between wanting to date and just wanting to focus on my school and work stuff and not deal with the added demands of dating). But I have dated and been intimate with a number of women.

[RyanJames]

yeah, it was serious, see I assumed that you were not getting any coz if you were I would find it difficult to understand why you were putting so much energy and attention into trying to understand these two girls. If you had a few others who you were sleeping with regularly, then I would guess that you just wouldnt care about girls who are messing about.

[RobertWQ]

Lessons learned.

[RobertWQ]

What really makes me a bit sad about this whole thing though is that while both of these girls come from poor backgrounds (my family is reasonably affluent), I thought both had real potential and I wanted to help elevate them and their sense of themselves, as well as introduce them to some things and ideas and realizations about themselves that they may not have encountered in their day to day existence.

Particularly the first girl, the asian chick who really put a lot of effort into showing how good and dedicated she could be academically ... we had four group members but only her and I would work on the lab reports and she emailed me early on in the semester and told me she wanted to "prove that she could do her share of the work," and she did, with intelligence, consistency, and enthusiasm.

From the way she talked about her other classes, she didn't really put as much energy into them as she did the lab class ... she wanted to prove something to herself I guess ... maybe that she could win my respect / affection, but was never really serious about us dating, so she kind of sapped the positive attention I was giving her and that's basically all it was about.

It disappoints me because I thought I would be able to show her more than that, and help her understand things about herself of which she may not yet be aware (her gifts / potential, etc.). And the most she could do with it was just take some validation from my affection.


I like to analyze behavior so that's why I'm thinking about this ... I realize it is a waste of time in terms of anything more with this girl. I doubt I'll talk to her again (semester is nearly over and we've had our last class). Maybe I'm being too idealistic and people do as they do.

[basilandthyme]

What really makes me a bit sad about this whole thing though is that while both of these girls come from poor backgrounds (my family is reasonably affluent), I thought both had real potential and I wanted to help elevate them and their sense of themselves, as well as introduce them to some things and ideas and realizations about themselves that they may not have encountered in their day to day existence.

While I can't speak for other women, if a new a potential suitor had this attitude I'd head for the hills. While it's clear that you mean well, the plan comes across as very patronising.

I want someone who sees me as an equal - not someone who sees potential in me and considers ways he could broaden my world. That's the job of a teacher/parent/mentor. Not the job of a partner.

No offense intended - just something for you to mull over.

[RobertWQ]

You're probably right. But she was the one who said to me that she wanted to "prove that she could do it." And she really won me over in that way, so I figure, I do know some things, why not show her just where I think she could go.


Besides, I think it's pretty clear that she's just doing enough to string me along anyway. She just messaged me (after I have been silent for awhile), and from her message it is pretty clear that she is trying to keep me interested but never really goes further than that.

I think her intentions were strategic from the start (wanted to see if she could win me over, prove herself, etc.). She is never curious enough about me or talks to me in a way that goes further than this. It's always just enough to attention to keep my interest but never more than that.


Besides, she still has a boyfriend of 2.5 years that she still has yet to tell me about (found her on Facebook with him where she goes by her first and middle name).

[basilandthyme]

Yep, cut her loose. There are so many other good options out there

[smackie9]

If you want a direct answer you have to be more direct. Just because a girl is nice to you doesn't mean she has any potential. You have to just come out and ask: "do you have a BF?" "Do you want to go out on a date with me?" 2 simple questions. And yes it's just that easy. If they say oh maybe later, I don't know, I have exams, I am so busy maybe next month, I just got out of a relationship, my ex was a jerk, ....that means they are not interested. You ditch them and seek out someone else to hit on you don't waste your time analyzing the shit out of everything to make it into something that might work.

[basilandthyme]

Smackie, you just nailed it.

[RobertWQ]

You're right. Her behavior is really bizarre to me too. She wants to get together to study (her suggestion). We both have to drive / take the train all the way to campus to do it. 45 min to an hour for both of us. So I suggest two days next week during our Thanksgiving break, assuming that she isn't serious and won't really drive to campus during break. So she says she wants to meet on one of the days. But she has to leave at 3pm (so of course it prevents it from going into a longer date etc.)

I'll go just because I agreed to earlier and I think it's good for me to get out a bit more, but what in the hell is this girl up to? If she isn't interested in me romantically, why go to all this trouble to come to campus to "study" on Fall break week? Why plan it so she leaves at 3pm?

I get what you guys are saying about just straight up asking her, and maybe I should soon ... but really, what is this about? I haven't had a girl act like this and I find it bizarre.

[RyanJames]

A girls mind is like a butterfly in a typhoon, that's all you need to know in order to answer all your questions. When you meet her, ask her casually if her BF minds her hanging out so much with you and before you do, remove ANY and EVERY thought or piece of imagination you have about this girl EVER being interested in you romantically, from your mind. Just clean it all out and force yourself to think of her as a sister. I'm not saying that is the way you should continue to see her, but on this one occasion, when you see her and ask her that question, frame her in that respect. A kid sister, who you can take the piss out of and have fun with in a kind way. See how she responds to the question and then, whatever happens continue the conversation in a funny, light hearted and piss taking manner. Like, she may say "I dont have a bf" in which case you would say, "does he know that, haha" or if she says "how do you know I have a bf" say , mock indignantly, "well you havent tried to sleep with me and since I am so handsome AND smart, I can only assume you are getting it elsewhere, haha" I'd really love to know what happens if you can pull this off.