So hear is the deal, i had an amazing girlfriend for 2 years, we feel for each other very very quickly and it was an amazing experience falling for a girl like that and feeling that much love. But as with many relationships time went on, i got comfortable, i got lazy, took her for granted, and some of the cuteness and romance of us being together dissapeared. I made some massive mistakes in the relationship that ultimately led to her leaving me, texting other girls, partying to much, showing anger for no reason, lack of romance, etc. I was not a very good boyfriend although i loved her so much and really beleived and still do beleive she is the "one", she thought i was as well. We broke up for a brief period of time last september because she caught me text "cheating" with another girl and we split up for about 3 weeks, the break up didnt feel real then as we still talked everyday, hungout, slept together, worked together, all those good things, so eventually we just naturally ended up back together. I didnt change at all in those 3 weeks becuase i didnt feel the pain of losing her and didnt get a kick to change. So october and november pass and i feel things were going better then before, then out of the blue on my birthday she tells me things feel "off" for her, i think its partly cause the night before i was drinking with my roomates when she wanted to come over and countdown the clock to my bday and i blew her off to act like a dumbass college kid and get drunk with my buddies and then we fought and stuff and i said some bad things about her past and past relationship with guys. The next day she is all awkward and distant then suggest we go on a break from talking till finals are over, i agree with it cause i respect what she needs. Then after a few days of no talking i call her to ask her what the break is really all about, she tells me she wanted to do it in person but she is breaking up with me. Ouch most pain i have ever felt!!!!
So christmas break comes and goes, we email a bit, i send her flowers, and i survive 3 weeks of pain and torture that i never wanna experience again! Then after 2 weeks of not talking once we are back at school she calls me one night after she heard i talked to one of her friends. We are friendly and talk about how we are doing and everything, then she goes to tell me how she has kinda slept around in the 2 weeks being at school, hooked up with 4 guys and partying hard everynight, and consistently sleeping with one guy (who i knew from before) that was her "**** buddy". During the call i acted like it didnt phase me, then after i hung up my life seemed to have ended, didnt eat for 3 days, could hardly function. It was the worst feeling ever becuase i love her so much and the thought of her with all those other guys using her made me sick to my stomach....
After that we decide that we still enjoy each others company and being there for each other and how she loves talking to me as i am the only one who truly gets her and her problems and cares for her. We started hanging out, watching movies, cuddling, talking about future plans for ourselves, things like that. I told her how badly i wanted her back and loved her so much and how i did change my ways (ill get more into that soon). She said she wasnt ready for a relationship yet with anyone not just me, and that i hurt her so bad and she is confused on what she wants, but she still wanted to hangout and take things "slow" with me and see where they went. We did that for a week and it was soooo hard for me cause she would hangout with me and we would have a decent time but then after she would go visit her **** buddy cause she wasnt ready to get physical with me yet, although she said i was better in bed and missed that aspect of me she wasnt ready to just give it up to me yet. So after a week of that i take her out for her bday dinner, which is nice, then we go back to my apartment after, i suggest we hook up, she says that we can but it wont mean anything to her and that she will just view me as she views her other hook up guys, and nothing more. So we start to hook up and pretty soon she is in tears crying, she is upset and thinks i just see her as an "object" and doesnt understand why i cant be friends for now and give it time to get physical. This triggers a nervous breakdown for me as i promised myself i would never hurt her again, i broke my phone, said some nasty things, cried so much, begged for her back, punched a hole in my wall, she called my dad to drive 2 hours to come talk to us and calm me down. At about 4 am after talking to her and my dad for 2 hours she leaves my place while i am an absolute crying mess, she holds me looks me in the eyes and says to just focus on myself for now and getting my head on straight and to let her go and move on with my life. Seeing her walk out of my apartment and down the road is the most painful memory as it felt the love of my life was leaving forever.
The next day i decide to drop out of school, which i moved to for her. To move home, work, and focus on getting myself better. She texted my dad that day apologizing for triggering my breakdown and that she wants occaosiaonal updates on my status and how im doing. I emailed her an apology that night and tried to get her to call me, she just messaged me saying i dont think we should talk anymore, goodbye, its over. Since that last message it has been just over 3 weeks of no contact whatsoever. She is on my mind all the time though and i miss her so much. I want it to work sometime in the future alhtough i know neither of us are ready now, im sticking to NC for quite awhile.
I had made some amazing improvments on myself in the past month. Quit drinking, seeing a therapist and counselor, volunteering, working, lifting weights, training for a marathon, just being more of a grown man and transitioning from boy to man. I really think it can work for us in the future and just have to continue working on myself and giving it time, should i ever contact her? She must miss me to some degree like she did before, although we had some rough patches we had some great memories as well, those must shine ever more over time without her seeing me right? Well any advice from anyone helps! thanks for reading