Do men get scarred for life from love?

[brighteyes78]

I can give the best relationship advice until it comes to my own. I've been casually getting to know / dating a man for almost three months. We are a little older, late 30's and early 40's.

He was married / with the same woman for 16 years so I understand his hesitation however, I'm really falling for this guy and just not sure what to do. When we've talked about us, he has said that falling in love is too complicated and that he thinks he's been scarred for life. I get that but what I don't understand is why his actions somewhat say otherwise. He always tells me good morning, good night, we talk throughout the day, see each other one or two times a week, genuinely enjoy the time we do spend together and sometimes he comes over with little gifts like cds, homemade pudding, little things like that. I have met a couple of his friends but that's as far as we've taken it. It's usually words that aren't backed up by actions but in this case, I feel like the actions aren't backed up by the words.


The real issue is... I really like this man and am falling for him. I love all his little characteristics, morals, judgment, etc. What I don't love is feeling like we won't ever develop beyond where we are. Part of me thinks I should display patience and consistency, enjoy the time we do spend together and the other part of me thinks I'm not spending my time wisely and I'm going to end up hurt and maybe regretful. I want someone to share my whole life with.



So men, what / how do you really feel when you're at this point of your life? Can you be scarred for life? Have you ever felt like this only to find love again? How does it change you? Perhaps I'm the right-now girl but not the right girl?

[Boisdevie]

Why not just relax and enjoy the moment instead of getting so angst ridden about whether he is (da dah) 'The One'. Or here's a wacky idea - tell him what you're thinking and see what he has to say.

[brighteyes78]

thanks! I wasn't really thinking if he is 'the one' - I guess it's more that I want to share more of my life with him than I currently do. We did talk and that's what he told me ... scarred for life, falling in love is too complicated.
Well of course it is... who wants to break up?

[Johnagape]

Maybe he is hurt and is wary of it happening again. There is a lot of truth in the saying that "time heals" and he might need more time.

Maybe he needs time to learn to trust again. I have learned a lot about trust from my goats. They are very social animals. When some of my young kids have been with their mothers and not had much contact with me they avoid me. I get contact by not approaching the goat. I just patiently hang about. the goat approaches me and goes away and comes back until it trusts me enough to be in touching distance. I still do not reach out. When the goat brushes past and touches me first, then I rest my hand gently on the goat as it passes. Eventually I end up playing with the goat.

This process works well with children with attachment disorder. It just takes longer than it does with goats. A couple of years instead of a week.

Trust is essential in any meaningful relationship, and if he has been hurt, then trust can be the big thing that broke. He might need time.

I think like Boisdevie said, relax and enjoy the moment.

[smiling100]

How long has this man been single before you started dating him?

[brighteyes78]

How long has this man been single before you started dating him?

At least 4, going on 5 years

[searock]

We are a little older, late 30's and early 40's.

Sorry for the off-topic, but I just find this fascinating. A little older than whom?

- - - Updated - - -

Anyway, how long has it been since his break up?

[brighteyes78]

Sorry for the off-topic, but I just find this fascinating. A little older than whom?

- - - Updated - - -

Anyway, how long has it been since his break up?

Not older than anyone - I only added that in reference to not being in our 20's or even early 30's.

It's been over 4, going on 5 +

[searock]

I find it fascinating because according to that phrasing, it seems that the "default" age for human beings is their 20s/early 30s. I wonder if it's something that ≈everyone in English-speaking countries (or at least the USA) tacitly agrees with.

Anyway, I think it's pretty troubling that he still hasn't gotten over his ex after almost 5 years. Why is he still so anchored to the past? It is entirely his choice to let go of the past and let himself free to love again. If he doesn't do it, it's because he's afraid of getting hurt again. Maybe you could see a couples counselor together? Even just so that he hears it from a professional, it might help. It's not a major problem of course, but I imagine it's tiresome and frustrating to be with someone who is unable (unwilling) to tie himself emotionally.

[brighteyes78]

I find it fascinating because according to that phrasing, it seems that the "default" age for human beings is their 20s/early 30s. I wonder if it's something that ≈everyone in English-speaking countries (or at least the USA) tacitly agrees with.

Anyway, I think it's pretty troubling that he still hasn't gotten over his ex after almost 5 years. Why is he still so anchored to the past? It is entirely his choice to let go of the past and let himself free to love again. If he doesn't do it, it's because he's afraid of getting hurt again. Maybe you could see a couples counselor together? Even just so that he hears it from a professional, it might help. It's not a major problem of course, but I imagine it's tiresome and frustrating to be with someone who is unable (unwilling) to tie himself emotionally.

hmm...good point on the age thing. I guess also I wanted to share that information because I feel you are more in tune with yourself as you grow older... not an early 20 something fresh out of college. Maybe I'm just digging the hole deeper!

I didn't think of it as not getting over his ex... maybe not getting over their situation, or moreso how it ended but that's an interesting point of view. I'm pretty sure it's because he's afraid of being hurt again.
It is tiresome and frustrating... hence venting my frustrations here. Part of me wants to give it more time, part of me feels that I know enough to know that he's unwilling (unable) and I should go about my own way. My ex, who passed away, set the bar high. I never had to guess how he felt because he showed me every day. Most reassuring relationship I was ever in.