She's leaving me and we have kids

[irags19]

My girlfriend since 2008 is leaving me. We have 2 kids, aged 3 and 10 months. I have hurt her badly over a period of time. I understand her wanting to leave and get away because I have not been good to her. I have emotionally worn her down. It's a long story and I'm hoping for some advice as to how to make things right and fix things. I want us to be a family together. I'm a product of a divorced family and it's something that I struggled with all through my childhood. I want to avoid that for our children. I'm desperate for help.

[surfhb2]

First thing is to sit down with her and discuss going to a therapist

Beyond that, you're not giving a lot of information

[smackie9]

Sounds to me you had plenty of chances to get yourself help.....it's kinda too late and you know it.

[irags19]

First thing is to sit down with her and discuss going to a therapist

Beyond that, you're not giving a lot of information

I have discussed that. A lot of our issues have to do with me putting a lot of blame on her for things that aren't her fault. I've been looking into my issues and narrowed them down to blame and anger. While I don't understand what's causing them, I recognize that they are things I am doing and that they are terribly toxic for our relationship. I mentioned seeing somebody either by myself, or together, or both. However, the few times she suggested that before I shot it down (refusing to see that I was the problem) so now she doesn't buy it as anything other than talk.

I have lost my temper a lot recently, probably due to a lot of stress that hasn't been dealt with properly. I didn't cope with the rigors of having a baby the first time, and have failed to do so the second time. She worked only a little at first, but has since moved to a full time job. I haven't been doing enough to ease the load she has been carrying. I knew that things were not going well for us. I didn't do enough to stop the downward spiral. I kept telling myself that we had more time. That we had two kids and that surely she'd stick it out a bit longer while we got through the most difficult first year of having the new addition.

I realize that a lot of things I did wrong, didn't have to happen. That they happened because of my negative way of thinking. I see that it's unhealthy for both myself and for our family. I want to change. Unfortunately, she says it's too little, too late. I truly don't believe that, as she's telling me that she loves me but cannot put herself through this. That gives me hope. I know that she cares about me and our family. I just don't know what else I can do.

[smackie9]

btw, your issues are your issues, not from your parents divorce. My parents divorced but it didn't make me into a monster.

[irags19]

Sounds to me you had plenty of chances to get yourself help.....it's kinda too late and you know it.

I realize that I've been given chances to make things right. The times that we did attempt to be open and communicate with each other about our issues, to try and make them better, it didn't go well. And we've isolated ourselves to where we never asked anybody for help. A lot of the times she would suggest solutions in the midst of our arguments and that got us nowhere.

- - - Updated - - -

btw, your issues are your issues, not from your parents divorce. My parents divorced but it didn't make me into a monster.

I realize that. And to be honest, I don't think I'm a monster. I have gotten myself into a very unhealthy and negative way of thinking. The problems that I feel I have stemming from my parents' divorce, are that there was never any closure. And my father was very distant for a long period, and I lived in a household that placed a lot of blame on him for the situation we were in. I feel as though this contributes to my feelings a need to blame her for the problems we're having too. Is that so far-fetched?

[smackie9]

I agree that she is just as much to blame as you. She needed to address the issues before having another kid or even continuing this relationship so you both have failed.

There is nothing wrong with getting divorced. Children are much happier seeing two parent living separately being happy, rather than living in a negative environment with two parent that don't get along. You can make an effort to be a good and supporting father, and a friend to you ex. Basically it's up to you to make sure that happens.


Just back off and seek out therapy for yourself, and give her time away from you....don't force it or it will blow up in your face. let her take the lead.

[woody]

My girlfriend since 2008 is leaving me. We have 2 kids, aged 3 and 10 months. I have hurt her badly over a period of time. I understand her wanting to leave and get away because I have not been good to her. I have emotionally worn her down. It's a long story and I'm hoping for some advice as to how to make things right and fix things. I want us to be a family together. I'm a product of a divorced family and it's something that I struggled with all through my childhood. I want to avoid that for our children. I'm desperate for help.

Hhmm. Sorry to read you be going through this. Having babies, keeping house and paying bills can be tough at times but well worth the efforts. If she's workin full time now and coming home to a mess too often than not, yikes man. Any person would feel overloaded with that especially when the ol temper comes out to play on top of everything else.

You sound like your aware of all these issues, where things could improve, where you could improve.
Is she on her last straw so to speak? Would not counsel of some kind prove to her you mean to better yourself? Or is this an all word no action scenario that played out time and time again, and now, well, she just doesn't believe you anymore?

You have children. You want this Family to work; there is Love. Get into a counsellor of sorts, free if you know where to look. ANY efforts to improve will show her you understand full well things need to change.
And if it's domestic responsibilities that weigh unevenly, pick up that mop man, do those dishes and cook for the Family. It takes two to run a house; and if one is out working to bring home bacon or tofu, the other must tend the home.
You sound like a good man. Work on those past issues that stem from past hurts of what you've seen as a child. Let it go. This is YOUR Family now. Don't let past 'stuff' tarnish your chances at happiness.

[basilandthyme]

There is only one thing you can do: Fix yourself.

She may or may not accept you back, but fixing yourself is something which needs to be done no matter what the outcome.

[irags19]

Hhmm. Sorry to read you be going through this. Having babies, keeping house and paying bills can be tough at times but well worth the efforts. If she's workin full time now and coming home to a mess too often than not, yikes man. Any person would feel overloaded with that especially when the ol temper comes out to play on top of everything else.

You sound like your aware of all these issues, where things could improve, where you could improve.
Is she on her last straw so to speak? Would not counsel of some kind prove to her you mean to better yourself? Or is this an all word no action scenario that played out time and time again, and now, well, she just doesn't believe you anymore?

You have children. You want this Family to work; there is Love. Get into a counsellor of sorts, free if you know where to look. ANY efforts to improve will show her you understand full well things need to change.
And if it's domestic responsibilities that weigh unevenly, pick up that mop man, do those dishes and cook for the Family. It takes two to run a house; and if one is out working to bring home bacon or tofu, the other must tend the home.
You sound like a good man. Work on those past issues that stem from past hurts of what you've seen as a child. Let it go. This is YOUR Family now. Don't let past 'stuff' tarnish your chances at happiness.

I have to admit, she seems past the last straw. For a while it was word and action, but soon after we got back together after a brief separation, we found out we were pregnant with our second child. At that point I seem to have switched gears and lost focus on what I needed to do to maintain our relationship. And crumbled under the pressures of raising two children and having a new job with heavier responsibilities (that I'm relatively unqualified for and learning as I go). After our most recent argument I said to myself I would change and make things better and turn myself around, but then she informed me she wasn't coming home. She suggested counseling before, but at points where I was refusing to accept my part in being the problem. I scoffed, laughing at the idea that I needed somebody else to help me. All along I've known that I was doing wrong. But haven't been able to pull myself out of it. Instead, building up a resentment towards her through blame. Blame that I should've directed to myself because I was expecting her to take care of too much, not recognizing her increased workload at her new full-time job. I told her that I would like to see a counselor together, and finally expose our issues to other people since we clearly need a mediator of sorts to help us. She said she'd think about it. In the meantime, I'm struggling with my daughter not wanting to be here without her mother. I don't know what more I can do.

[michelle23]

She thinks she may as well just be a single mum since shes been doing everything on her own anyway. You need to man up, grow up and realize you created these kids, they are your responsibility. And you live in the family home so should be bringing in a wage and helping with chores. That isnt unfair, its called life so deal with it

[woody]

I have to admit, she seems past the last straw. For a while it was word and action, but soon after we got back together after a brief separation, we found out we were pregnant with our second child. At that point I seem to have switched gears and lost focus on what I needed to do to maintain our relationship. And crumbled under the pressures of raising two children and having a new job with heavier responsibilities (that I'm relatively unqualified for and learning as I go). After our most recent argument I said to myself I would change and make things better and turn myself around, but then she informed me she wasn't coming home. She suggested counseling before, but at points where I was refusing to accept my part in being the problem. I scoffed, laughing at the idea that I needed somebody else to help me. All along I've known that I was doing wrong. But haven't been able to pull myself out of it. Instead, building up a resentment towards her through blame. Blame that I should've directed to myself because I was expecting her to take care of too much, not recognizing her increased workload at her new full-time job. I told her that I would like to see a counselor together, and finally expose our issues to other people since we clearly need a mediator of sorts to help us. She said she'd think about it. In the meantime, I'm struggling with my daughter not wanting to be here without her mother. I don't know what more I can do.

She should read what your writing on this thing; because from where I sit, your need to better things is greatly impressed with all you have written.
Actually going to a counsellor would be key. Either alone at first or with her but maybe better to go alone at first. You may find some insight there and she'll know, you mean to get better.
Ya, if you could write her how you've written here, I think it would help. or just show her.

[basilandthyme]

I doubt that her reading this would change anything. You've worn her down to the point that she now has zero love for you and zero inclination to try again.

About the only chance you have is to graciously accept that your behaviours have driven her and the children away and move forward with the separation. Continue with counselling and show her over the space of years that you have changed. You see, it could well take years for her to believe you've truly changed.

Of course, she may well find someone else in that time.....but there's nothing you can do about that.

[irags19]

I doubt that her reading this would change anything. You've worn her down to the point that she now has zero love for you and zero inclination to try again.

About the only chance you have is to graciously accept that your behaviours have driven her and the children away and move forward with the separation. Continue with counselling and show her over the space of years that you have changed. You see, it could well take years for her to believe you've truly changed.

Of course, she may well find someone else in that time.....but there's nothing you can do about that.

I realize all of those things. I've accepted that had I taken this route sooner, she'd be here to help me through this instead of what has happened now. I believe that I have fear in a lot of things that I never realized. Just as I have fear that I've lost her and will never get her back. This emotionally abusive person that I've been is not who I was or really, who I am. I don't know how I got stuck like this for the last few months. I hope to understand that through some counseling and get on a better path. I keep getting told to do it for myself and my kids, and I know that is what I should do. But I can't help think that, I will always be doing this for her as well.

- - - Updated - - -

She thinks she may as well just be a single mum since shes been doing everything on her own anyway. You need to man up, grow up and realize you created these kids, they are your responsibility. And you live in the family home so should be bringing in a wage and helping with chores. That isnt unfair, its called life so deal with it

To be honest, it's not as if I just come home and do nothing. A lot of my real issues come from being emotionally abusive towards her in ways I never thought I was capable of.

[TablesandChairs]

You need to be honest with yourself - are you saying all this simply because you're in panic mode because you realise she's finally had enough? Or are you genuine? Back when you knew she'd stick around - back when she was trying to fix things - you continued with the same behaviours. It's probably no surprise that anything you say now will not seem genuine to her. She might be right.

Firstly - take ownership of your issues. You came into the relationship with baggage that is yours and yours alone to deal with. Others can offer support and guidance, sure - but the onus is on you to seek the appropriate help and make a permanent change. Counselling is a great idea - alone - and eventually as a joint venture, if she agrees.

The problem with being emotionally/physically worn down over a long period of time is that the person does eventually reach breaking point - they realise that their life sucks and they want to get away from the thing/person that is making it suck. This is where she's at.

Your best bet is to seek help for yourself and give yourself enough time to implement the changes needed. This doesn't happen overnight, nor will it happen simply because you want to win her back. It has to happen because you want/need it to happen. Children raised in a household that is disharmonious and tense do not benefit - they're better off being raised by a single parent who can provide them a calm, stable environment.

We all have anxieties and hang-ups to varying degrees and it's far easier to blow up and blame others than it is to actually take ownership and fix things. The easy way out, which you have taken thus far, hasn't done you any favours. It's left you with a partner who has had enough. What we do - how we treat people - has consequences.

So - book in to see a counsellor. Stick with it; it's a process and 1-2 sessions achieves nothing. Keep her updated on what you're doing/the progress you've made but do not push anything on her - it's her choice. The only time you should suggest reconciliation is when you're satisfied that you're not going to repeat the same patterns of behaviour. The worst thing you could do is lure her back in under false pretences and then relapse into old habits again...in doing that, you'll lose her permanently.