She's been hiding a few things.

[the_xenocide]

My fiancee, who I have been with for two years, is starting to seem not to be the person who I thought she was. In the last few weeks alone, I have caught her in three different lies, all of which are well above the level of "trivial white lie."

I will focus on the most important one here. When we started dating two years ago, she told me right off the bat that she had just a few months prior had her divorce from her ex husband finalized. They had one child together, plus she had a child from a previous man, plus we now have a four month old.

Early on in our relationship, she randomly came to me one day saying that somebody might be logging in to a fake Facebook account in her name and sending me a message to tell me that she and her ex husband were actually still married. I never actually got this supposed message, but still it was really weird. She assured me then that she was, in fact, divorced. But since there are kids involved, we do still have contact with her ex and she receives child support from him.

Then last fall, my mother, who is very family court savvy due to her own experience with my father, told me that she had looked up my fiancee on our state's public records website to find a case that she was trying to offer her some advice on, and she was unable to find a record of their divorce. Now, since my fiancee has had several different last names in the past, I didn't think much of it because I figured the record was just under one of the alternate spellings (lots of names and hyphenation combos for her.) I assured my mother that she was definitely divorced.

Right around this time my fiancee had to go back to court with her ex to dispute some child support arrangements, or at least that's what she told me that the court date was for.

Here's where it gets a lot more suspicious. A couple of weeks ago at one of our custody handoffs (which I handle due to a restraining order she holds against her ex husband) he handed me some court documents and said that these were "the papers that (my fiancee) needed to sign." Figuring they had to do with the ongoing child support case, I didn't pay it too much mind, until when I got home and actually looked at the papers. They were divorce papers, not child support papers. When I showed this to my fiancee, she laughed it off and basically played it like her ex is just an idiot (which, to be fair, he is) and he got the wrong forms from the courthouse. But he had filled in every spot on the forms EXCEPT the child support part. And then the next day, she returned the papers to him, presumably filled out, but I never saw them because she put them in a sealed envelope.

Then last week due to one of the other lies I've discovered recently involving some traffic citations I was lied to about, I personally looked her up on the public records site, to get answers to my questions about the traffic citations. But what I also found was that, not only could I not find a record of a divorce filing from a few years ago, under any of her names, but that there was an OPEN filing for divorce started last October, which is when they went to court and I was told it was a child support hearing. The record on the public website very clearly labels it as a divorce hearing, and the status as Open.

So now I am almost positive that she is in fact legally separated, in order to receive child support payments, but still technically married until the ongoing divorce case is closed. Which means she lied to me for two years about the status of her divorce.

Our relationship hasn't been good for a while, but I still wanted to try and fix it until I found all this out. This, coupled with all the other lies I've discovered lately, makes me lose all my trust for her. And I'm not about to marry somebody I can't trust, who would lie to me like that. The difficulty is that I know she doesn't make enough at her job to support herself, let alone the three kids. Obviously if we split up I will pay child support and fight for shared custody, but I know she's going to probably have to move back in with her parents for a while to make it work, and it's going to be immensely difficult for her to get by. I don't want to do this to her, but I don't want to be stuck in a relationship built on lies either. I don't know what to do. Any help from the community would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

[rest77]

She hid a lot of things from you and not just a few. Its sad that you already had a kid with her. I will say you deserve someone better who will appreciate you and not take an advantage of your trust. Can be that she she played this same games with her last two ex she had kids with. Am sure this is not the kind of person you want to marry and spent the rest of your life with.

[smackie9]

Don't you see a pattern here? you have a woman that had two kids from two different men and she gets (unexpectedly I'm guessing) pregnant and has a kid with you. Red flag! She lies, so she can be assured to get the support she needs to survive, locks you in by getting pregnant so she has a place to live and support. Now you find out there is no intention of you two getting married because she never filed for divorce. You are faced with the truth, but instead of blasting her for lying to you, you roll over on your back and let her lay more bull shit on you. She had the nerve to laugh it off and pump out more lies. She is bad bad news my friend. You should have never gotten involved with her to begin with.

Do not give her any sympathy for her financial situation, she put herself there, and isn't your problem that she did. I can't tell you to kick her to the curb, but if I were in your shoes I wouldn't tolerate this any longer despite the child involved. Just remember she can take half your shit if you do marry her. I think this is the reason why she never finalized the divorce...she is trying to gouge him for more money. bad bad bad dude.

[the_xenocide]

Smackie9...I just wanted to point out that the first child was not with somebody she was in a relationship with at all. It was the result of a drunken one-night stand. So I highly doubt there was any devious planning there. And as far as saying I never should have gotten involved to begin with, that's pretty presumptuous of you. Why would I assume that simply because a divorced woman had two kids with two different men that she's bad news? That's a pretty shitty assumption to make about somebody. I'm not saying you're necessarily wrong about her intent with me, just that there was no reason for me to see that as a red flag until now. Hindsight is 20/20, after all.

And as far as her financial situation, I agree, she did put herself there, if we do end up breaking up. But I don't want to give off the impression that I look at our baby as an inconvenient complication, because I don't. Yes, he was unplanned, but I love him more than anything in the world.

[smackie9]

On devious planning: I didn't mean from the beginning only to your situation, hence all the lies. But wow I have to point out the red flag is her poor choices and poor behavior....unprotected sex is just one of them. Yes I agree people can grow from their mistakes, but I don't see any growing or learning from it. She's supposed to be this angle, this mature adult??? her life has been a hot mess, she knows it and she keeps doing it. Maybe look up shining knight syndrome.....maybe you find yourself in this situations because you had a need to rescue her from her situation....alone with no real place to go with two kids, fighting for support from her ex etc

BTW I never had the assumption that YOU felt the baby as an inconvenience. I'm not calling you a retard, I feel you have been victimized by this woman and you are too blinded by love to see it.

I understand this must be killing you, and how heartbreaking and devastating it is to find out these things about the person you loved and trusted. To find out that your plans of a happy life are shattered by your findings. It sickens me, that's why I question her integrity as a person and her motives.

[michelle23]

Theres not much advice we can give you. You know you dont want to be with her anymore but you also know that she will struggle a lot without you. That is exactly why she lied to begin with. She trapped you and probably did get pregnant on purpose.

All you can do now is end this as amicably as possible for your babies sake and pay your fair share of child support. If she never lied you wouldnt be in this situation. She created this mess and you have nothing to feel guilty about

[the_xenocide]

Agreed. I'll be having the talk with her after she gets off work today.

[woody]

Your original post sounds allot like my ex's ex wife. She had 3 kids by two past FAthers, restraining orders on both, receiving money from both and they were barely allowed to even see their own kids. Enter, my ex (years before I knew him), terrible situation. He got looped into marriage, they had two beautiful kids and got divorced shortly afterwards and the ONLY reason he has majority custody is because he had the money to hire one hell of a lawyer or he'd be another FAther denied of his rights.
This took years of a nasty ugly divorce and it took toll on all the children. Eventually, one fine Judge threw her case out. Saw the pattern and told her to get the f___ out of his courtroom,(though, in polite form)
I will tell you, these outcomes rarely happen. The level of injustice for Fathers is in the dark ages and has a long ways to go towards being just.

She has lied about something very significant. Has she tried to offer explanation?; offered something that shows that yes, it is weird, her actions, lies. Or is she in denial?

Well you've got a baby now, congrats by the way.

Hey, I hope she's just screwed up and offers some truths here to put you at ease.
follow your spidey sense