commitment fair or normal?

[akiina]

Dear all, and thanks for this fantastic forum that I stumbled upon. I have a really tricky relationship question to you and would be really happy to get some advice from the community.

I have a fantastic kind, loving caring partner and I have never been this happy in my life (he’s 34 and I am 35). We’ve been together a year and a half now and about the age people get committed. He wants to start a family with me (continuously talking about babies) and we just bought a house together., so you see things are quite committed…

The thing is that he has some issues about being committed to a one single person. He’s said that he has doubts about being committed, and he tells me this (not in a douche way) but in a way that is almost self demeaning and that he really acknowledges the hurt he can do and is scared of hurting me, the person he loves. He sincerely is not taking life lightly and is struggling to be (in his words) his better self. We have a very honest relationship in every kind of way and can express how we feel on the matter.

He knows he can have crushes with others that goes away (in fact so can I and probably everyone in this planet) and we acknowledge the fact that what we have is far too good to throw away for a simple infatuation. However, lately I have been wondering, as no one is getting younger. Am I putting myself out to get hurt and wasting time?

There was one thing particularly that made me take a hard look at the situation, namely we run into one of his short crushes the other day. I know nothing happened between them but I saw that he felt shame, as he knows that I know of this. After that he want into a really deep in to his thoughts and we had same weird discussions during the evening, the likes of ‘guy commenting in the telly that marriage is prision’ and he jokingly saying that is true (Note! He has said same type of things before as well). Nothing new, he is scared of marriage that I know already. Afterwards when I asked him very kindly just to explain why he said that he become very sad and said that he is sometimes scared to ‘pull it off’ to not ruin everything by being him…

What does the community think? What should I do (besides the obvious and ask what is wrong) or should I do nothing to make him feel less of trapped… give him space etc? Or do you think I am indeed wasting my time with him and will get hurt?

Really appreciate an honest opinion. He is a really sweet sensitive good guy with issues but don’t we all have them?

[basilandthyme]

I think you're going to get hurt and so will any children. Shame you didn't run away when he first started talking about commitment issues....though at least I guess you can't you weren't warned. While I think getting crushes now and then is pretty normal, his degree of unease and fear of the future is not normal. Thing is, he does have the ability to not act on a crush, but he obviously doesn't trust himself.

He could address these issues. But it doesn't sound like he's doing anything to be pro-active about it. Him being sad and depressed about his attitude to relationships is pointless and self serving - but seeking counselling to address it could well lead to progress.

As for kids, I believe that a person who has commitment issues has no business having children. You see, you can make a choice about taking a risk for him, but kids don't get that choice.

I suggest you make any future together contingent on him seeking professional help. I'd give him an ultimatum and 6 months to see improvement.

[searock]

I think that if you want a family and kids, you can't afford to hang around with a guy that is commitment-phobic, not at your age. In a few years it will become more and more difficult to get pregnant and you have no time to spare for a guy that can't give you what you want. There's nothing you can do to make him stop being afraid of commitment, nor should you try to change him, it's just who he is. I think you should find somebody that shares your views on commitment and starting a family.

[chinagirl]

If you value marriage and family, you need to find a partner with the same values as you. If not, you will eventually resent him for not giving you what you want.

You are incompatible in some ways. You really have to reconsider your relationship with him.

[akiina]

to you chinagirl, searock, basilandthyme, first of all thanks a million for your comments and replies, it really feels amazing to not be alone and get to connect to this type of forum where you can share things that you might not otherwise want to share... i really value your straight forward answers as sometimes you are so stuck with yourself with these issues yourself that you cant see what is up and down, when you are so heavily invested in someone.

however, i regocnise myself in him (say few years back) I had huge commitment issues and I kinda grew out of them during the last two years, possibly also because you hit a specific age, so I wonder if the same will eventually happen to him. His last relationship ended because he was unable to commit after 7 years of being together (albeit the relationships was also bad) and we have had from the getgo a very 'breezy' attitude to relationships. Me as well as like I had some issues... but I've delt with my issues and I think I am over that. I seriously do not think that grass is greener on the other side OR that I need the type of 'attention' and confirmation that for example flings sometimes give...

so do you think, yesterday he actually cried (he is a cry baby, it is not too uncommon) and he has mood swings and is very in touch with his feminine side and said to me that what if i ruin everything by being me? so after this, should i have a talk with him, speak clearly my mind and what i want? i dont want to corner him in staying with me or worse marrying me out of fear of me leaving him (and you know we have the house together as well and the plans for a baby) OR just be cool and let things evolve as they will, I am not in hurry to get married but I kinda am more in a hurry to start thinking about kids....

thanks again you all!!

[basilandthyme]

I understand your keenness to start having a family, but I can only reiterate that kids deserve better than this. Kids need parents who are far more sure of their ability to stay around.

I still think you need to give an ultimatum involving counselling. I'd be telling him "Enough with the tears - you need to get this sorted out"

[vashti]

Yeah, I think the tears are somewhat manipulative, and therefore would find them annoying.

I want to agree with everything basilandthyme has told you, and also to say that your time is limited, and you can't really afford to waste 7 years of your life with a man who can't even decide if he wants to keep you.

[bulrush]

If you took all the sex away, would you still enjoy being with him?