Tired of crying

[LaLa_11]

This will be my very first post, so here it goes....

I been with my man for 7 years now. At first it was amazing, he was caring,loving,liked to do things together and always had a great time,always put a smile on both our faces. Now it's the opposite, but that's just how I feel. Personally I think the problem is my man's drinking. Every time he drinks to a certain extent his personality changes. He starts arguments with me, always telling me how I am bad and how I don't do this and that, he never mentions anything good I do for us. I got a new job a couple of months ago even though it doesn't pay very well I still try my best to make him happy and give him what he wants, even surprise him with little gifts. But when the drinking starts I know where it will lead to, we used to argue about it but now I find its useless arguing with a dunk person. I love him and I care for him so deeply, He tells me he's tired of me when he drinks,how I should leave the house,how I never let him do anything and always ask questions. First of all let me clear that, yes I may not be perfect but I never tell him not to do anything, he does what he wants and I never say anything. He even leaves the house sometimes when he's mad and comes back hours later and I dont even ask where has been, and as for asking questions I only do it because I want to have a normal conversation like for example if he talks to his sister I ask "oh is everything ok with her" and he makes it a big deal like I shouldn't be asking about his family, When someone text me though and he asks about it I tell him without hesitation. I may not be perfect but this it making my heart ache and my tears are running out. All last week he drank everyday and every night there was an argument about me.

I wish that he could see how hard I really do try to make him happy,how I take him wherever he wants to go since he doesn't have a license. I will do anything for him, he just got mad again, I cried and he walked away and went to bed. I can't talk to my friends or family because they wouldn't understand how I feel about him I love him with everything I have,but I'm just not sure if he feels the same way. I just want to know if anyone can relate or any advice on what I can do or talk to him about?..Thanks for reading.

[Wakeup]

So why don't you leave him? He sounds awful and why you'd still have love for him is confusing? If you don't want to leave him then go to Al-Anon and see if some meetings on codependency and personal boundaries will help you to cope while staying.

[LaLa_11]

It's hard to leave someone you been with for 7 years just like that. We have been living together for 6, we have plans for our future together but he gets like this it does get confusing. I love him because when he's great he is GREAT, he treats me good and makes me laugh but its just the drinking that makes him act different. Thanks for the advice, I will definitely check out the meetings, sounds like something that may help me out and also thanks for the reply, I appreciate it very much.

[Wakeup]

No one said it would be easy but you're trying to form a future with a man that treats you like shit. What is the point of going onto the future with someone like that whether it's hard to leave or not. The fact you NEED to leave is evident.

Unless he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous then your times that are "great" where he makes you laugh will be fewer and fewer in number as his drinking escalates and you become just a bother that interferes with him getting his drink on.

Al-anon will help you to form your own personal boundaries that you won't let him cross so you can let him know without guilt that you'll no longer be accepting his miserable treatment of you when he's been drinking. You have to tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and that its got to stop or you're leaving but don't tell him you're leaving if you're not going to... that kind of threat is just manipulation and it never works to get what you want. Having said that, he still needs to know that you're not accepting that type of abuse any more whether you stay or go.

Find family or a friend or two that you can leave to go too as soon as he starts to get his drink on. Don't sit there and take his drunken abuse.

Read everything you can on codependency (that's what you have currently because if you didn't, you'd leave him by now due to the abuse... you'd love yourself enough to not let him or anyone else treat you that way no matter how much you liked or loved them).

Good luck to you. Lala.

[LaLa_11]

You are right about the drinking if it does escalate it will just be miserable. I would love for him to get help at AA also, but I'm not sure how that will go maybe if things do get better I will suggest it to him,it will make him a better person not only for our relationship but for himself as well. I do need to love myself and I will seek out the help you suggested. Thanks again, I wouldn't have thought of that myself. You made me feel a bit better knowing there is help out there, much appreciated.

[Wakeup]

You're welcome, Lala: Here's some links that will get you a meeting near you.

http://al-anon.alateen.org/?gclid=COHS1MK8w74CFcU-MgodUCYAbA