He's 10 years older and lives in another state, in serious need of advice.

[Lillypad]

Idk what to say now without getting criticized. I know this isn't the smartest thing but I'm smarter than some of u think. This guy doesn't have none of my personal information, he only knows the state I live in. He's not gonna come stalk me. I know te risks of this. Don't give me any "you're taking up for him" bullshit. Not all men on the Internet that talk to younger girls are bad news. He hasn't shown me a picture yet because he's scared I won't find him attractive an will think he's too old for me. I've talked to people that know him. He isn't some pedophile guys. I didn't ask advice on to tell me or not if this is safe I asked for advice on our relationship. I really appreciate that y'all replied but could y'all be a bit nicer? Geez. You can give good advice with criticizing. Could y'all just focus on the relationship part and not the age of him or te fact that he has never shown me a picture. People were havin long distance relationships way before video chatting was even popular. That's not to say we won't ever video chat, I just don't want to now. I don't want to video chat. That's my decision. It just isn't something I do. It's awkward to do that in my opinion lol. Anyway, thanks for the advice that was given. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the responses but I wasn't expecting so much criticizing. It kind of made me mad that everyone just jumped to conclusions. A simple "be safe" would have been nice without saying I'm dumb and that stuff. Wow.

Because he's a bit older that makes him a pedophile or a stalker? He didn't know my age when we met. I can't help but think that if he was 1 year older, everyone's responses would be different. Don't say I'm mad because y'all are saying things I don't want to hear. That isn't it. I'm mad because of how some of u came off. This is really how some of you give advice? I would have been ok with "this is a bad idea, you shouldn't be doing this." or saying I'm doing something stupid is ok but don't call me ****ing stupid when u don't even know me. Here's a tip, dont criticize when giving advice. his is an advice forum right? People will most likely not listen to your advice if you criticize them.


I didn't want to give out this much info but for whoever asked what the medical reason was, he was hair was thinning, doctor gave him some pills, those pills ****ed him up. He's still recovering from them. He's super insecure because of that and so I'm not harassing him for pictures. Whenever he's comfortable enough is when he will show me.

[Cerby]

I'll weigh in here. First Lilly, don't read or listen to anything Cheekxs (or Cheekxxs depending on which account is banned when) says about anything. She has very little valuable to contribute ever.

On to your issues - You shouldn't mix up LDR with a virtual relationship, a LDR indicates that you have met and have a real relationship. Virtual relationships however are much harder to quantify because there is nothing beyond a screenname and some chat that defines what you two have.

I am a big fan of online dating which against the grain of most people here. But my difference to you is I waste little meeting the person for coffee. 3 or 4 messages and I ask if they're interested, 15-20 minutes tops. Once I meet the person, the online element is over. You've been doing this for years now and have yet to see even a picture, let alone meet. This is a HUGE red flag, he says he loves you, but has self esteem so low that he thinks you'll find him ugly. This either means he isn't who he has described himself as, or he ISN'T who he says he is, both scary thoughts. Either way, you're stuck in a virtual relationship with someone you may not meet for many years to come. What is worse is at 19, this is your dating prime, this is when you get to meet many people who are just starting to truly enjoy their sexuality, and you can start finding out the things you like about different men by dating as many as you like.

You are wasting your time, you might not believe it, but you will look back on this and know it once it all comes undone. Don't hold yourself back by settling for some virtual relationship with some guy who won't even show you a picture. Talk to him sure, but start dating in the real life. Skin to skin and face to face contact means far more than idle chatter online.

[Lillypad]

^^^ thanks. It's hard though to just drop this though. We've talked about everyday since we've met. Idk how to just stop this. I'd at least take being his friend. I don't want him out of my life completely. It's not taking over my life. I don't constantly talk to him all day. It's like texting your friends except IMing. I IM him from my phone.

I might get judged for saying I don't want him out of my life but really, I'm sure everyone has gotten attached to something or someone. What if people just told y'all to forget it or him/her. It's not that easy.

Also, going out and dating isn't so easy for me lol my social skills are ugh.

Edit: sorry I didn't see you said still talk to him. Thought u was just saying to stop. Thanks for the advice

[fuel2012]

just wondering if its real love you have with him if yall havnt seen each other face to face...

[lizzy-bet]

My advice is from personal experience, it's not like I'm criticizing your situation for fun. I talked to the guy I met on the phone, I talked to his friends on the phone, talked to him almost every day for 4 years and got pictures of him and was still totally duped. How have to spoken with his friends, is it also through IM or is it face to face?

I'm also confused why you can't quantify your relationship and give it a title, and why saying "I Love You" makes you think he is backing off. If you have never seen the guy or know how to reach him outside of IM or email, there is no way to try and bring him back, you just have to hope he keeps wanting to talk to you.

You need to video chat with him to find out if he's someone worth dating. Who cares if it's awkward, imagine meeting him in real life, that's going to be significantly more awkward. The biggest part of the problem is how blindly you are approaching this, and how mad you are now when provided with a factual, real life example of a similar situation. I was actually considerably smarter and more responsible than you are being. I had the balls and love for my family to tell them and deal with the criticism with my big girl pants on. I also had my family in the hotel when I met that douchebag, and I told them where I was going and when I'd be back.

Lastly, the only way you get over being socially awkward is by being social. Stop making excuses, feeling sorry for yourself, and putting this guy on a pedestal. I understand that medical issues can be depressing, but treatment for thinning hair? Why can't he send you a picture from last year, or Christmas? It just doesn't add up.

[VincenzoG91]

I am a big fan of online dating which against the grain of most people here. But my difference to you is I waste little meeting the person for coffee. 3 or 4 messages and I ask if they're interested, 15-20 minutes tops. Once I meet the person, the online element is over.

Same here. There is nothing wrong with meeting through online dating, as long as you meet in person in the near future. I would take it one step farther and say that I have only been interested in dating locally. With 2.5 million people in the metro area, it would be ridiculous for me to bother dating anybody from outside the area.

[surfhb]

Idk what to say now without getting criticized. I know this isn't the smartest thing but I'm smarter than some of u think. This guy doesn't have none of my personal information, he only knows the state I live in. He's not gonna come stalk me. I know te risks of this. Don't give me any "you're taking up for him" bullshit. Not all men on the Internet that talk to younger girls are bad news. He hasn't shown me a picture yet because he's scared I won't find him attractive an will think he's too old for me. I've talked to people that know him. He isn't some pedophile guys. I didn't ask advice on to tell me or not if this is safe I asked for advice on our relationship. I really appreciate that y'all replied but could y'all be a bit nicer? Geez. You can give good advice with criticizing. Could y'all just focus on the relationship part and not the age of him or te fact that he has never shown me a picture. People were havin long distance relationships way before video chatting was even popular. That's not to say we won't ever video chat, I just don't want to now. I don't want to video chat. That's my decision. It just isn't something I do. It's awkward to do that in my opinion lol. Anyway, thanks for the advice that was given. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the responses but I wasn't expecting so much criticizing. It kind of made me mad that everyone just jumped to conclusions. A simple "be safe" would have been nice without saying I'm dumb and that stuff. Wow.

Because he's a bit older that makes him a pedophile or a stalker? He didn't know my age when we met. I can't help but think that if he was 1 year older, everyone's responses would be different. Don't say I'm mad because y'all are saying things I don't want to hear. That isn't it. I'm mad because of how some of u came off. This is really how some of you give advice? I would have been ok with "this is a bad idea, you shouldn't be doing this." or saying I'm doing something stupid is ok but don't call me ****ing stupid when u don't even know me. Here's a tip, dont criticize when giving advice. his is an advice forum right? People will most likely not listen to your advice if you criticize them.


I didn't want to give out this much info but for whoever asked what the medical reason was, he was hair was thinning, doctor gave him some pills, those pills ****ed him up. He's still recovering from them. He's super insecure because of that and so I'm not harassing him for pictures. Whenever he's comfortable enough is when he will show me.

You came for advice not for people to blow smoke up your butt. You are being dumb....and immature.... and senseless. Im sorry....am I sounding like your parents? Hmmmm?

Furthermore, nobody is accusing this guy of being a stalker or pedophile. Were only saying be careful because you dont know. The funny part is once you meet a guy your age who lives near you, you wont care anything about this man of mystery....another gaunrantee !

My advice is to keep in contact if you like but date around.....you know....someone you can see and touch? Crazy concept I know Also print out this thread and stick it in a drawer. Someday you'll find it and laugh your ass off on how naive you were back then....GUARANTEED! Good Luck!

[Lillypad]

Well surfhb, with people like you, it's best to just agree with and then drop it because you see it one way and that's it. You're not open to looking at it other ways. Yes call me dumb and naive, but who cares? Im not a dumb or a naive person, what I'm doing might be dumb, but I'm not. Yes I'm actually listening to some of u and realizing that this isn't smart. I'm not gonna waste my time proving that to you because like I said, youre the type of person that thinks whatever you say is right and that's it. I don't want anyone blowing smoke up my butt. What you don't realize is, you can give good advice that I don't agree with WITHOUT criticizing. Crazy concept I know..

You could have easily said "you can still keep in contact but try to date people closer to you." but who am I kidding? I forgot advice looks better with insults. You get your point across better with insults right? Well hey calling me dumb, it's going to shaken me up and make me realize that I'm making mistakes. Yes, great technique at giving at advice. Please keep doing that. Be insensitive and please do give me more advice

Sarcasm and insults aside, I do see what y'all are saying. It isn't smart for me to be liking this guy so much that I've never seen before. It isn't safe and you never know what you're dealing with over the Internet. Let's say I ask him for a picture and I video chat with him, I'll see him, will that change some of yall's opinions? Let's say I confirm that he's safe, why would a long distance relationship be bad? (just asking questions people). I talked to his best friend but maybe that isnt the best way to confirm it. I'm not saying I'm going to marry this guy. I just want to know why being in one with him would be so bad even if I confirm he's a legit guy that really is single, not a stalker, and is interested in me.

[surfhb]

Well surfhb, with people like you, it's best to just agree with and then drop it because you see it one way and that's it. You're not open to looking at it other ways. Yes call me dumb and naive, but who cares? Im not a dumb or a naive person, what I'm doing might be dumb, but I'm not. Yes I'm actually listening to some of u and realizing that this isn't smart. I'm not gonna waste my time proving that to you because like I said, youre the type of person that thinks whatever you say is right and that's it. I don't want anyone blowing smoke up my butt. What you don't realize is, you can give good advice that I don't agree with WITHOUT criticizing. Crazy concept I know..

You could have easily said "you can still keep in contact but try to date people closer to you." but who am I kidding? I forgot advice looks better with insults. You get your point across better with insults right? Well hey calling me dumb, it's going to shaken me up and make me realize that I'm making mistakes. Yes, great technique at giving at advice. Please keep doing that. Be insensitive and please do give me more advice

Sarcasm and insults aside, I do see what y'all are saying. It isn't smart for me to be liking this guy so much that I've never seen before. It isn't safe and you never know what you're dealing with over the Internet. Let's say I ask him for a picture and I video chat with him, I'll see him, will that change some of yall's opinions? Let's say I confirm that he's safe, why would a long distance relationship be bad? (just asking questions people). I talked to his best friend but maybe that isnt the best way to confirm it. I'm not saying I'm going to marry this guy. I just want to know why being in one with him would be so bad even if I confirm he's a legit guy that really is single, not a stalker, and is interested in me.

** HAND SLAPPING FOREHEAD**

Good luck dear

[lizzy-bet]

Let's say I ask him for a picture and I video chat with him, I'll see him, will that change some of yall's opinions? Let's say I confirm that he's safe, why would a long distance relationship be bad? (just asking questions people). I talked to his best friend but maybe that isnt the best way to confirm it. I'm not saying I'm going to marry this guy. I just want to know why being in one with him would be so bad even if I confirm he's a legit guy that really is single, not a stalker, and is interested in me.

Yes, it would change my opinion greatly. At least then you would have the next step to an actual relationship and would know that you weren't spending all this time on a fraud. Personally, I just want to see you protect yourself and put yourself first, it's quite alarming to see all this "him this, him that" stuff.

[Cerby]

Sarcasm and insults aside, I do see what y'all are saying. It isn't smart for me to be liking this guy so much that I've never seen before. It isn't safe and you never know what you're dealing with over the Internet. Let's say I ask him for a picture and I video chat with him, I'll see him, will that change some of yall's opinions? Let's say I confirm that he's safe, why would a long distance relationship be bad? (just asking questions people). I talked to his best friend but maybe that isnt the best way to confirm it. I'm not saying I'm going to marry this guy. I just want to know why being in one with him would be so bad even if I confirm he's a legit guy that really is single, not a stalker, and is interested in me.

I would still recommend you try to meet him sooner than later. Even after a video chat, you still have had no contact physically, and won't for some time. The picture will mean he is real, video chat means you're seeing the person as he is.

But you still don't have a relationship, you have an online connection. I think if you like him, keep talking to him until you're able to meet, but date locally as well. You might actually find someone you like!

[Lillypad]

Well everyone thanks for the advice. I talked to him and he understands why we should just be friends. He said it would be good for me to date around my own age and area and to not "throw it all away" on him. We'll still talk, just not everyday but he will show me a picture and we will give video chatting a try one day. Not looking for pity but of course I'm not happy with this but it's ok. I realize that's best and safe. I think I was just desperate for a boyfriend so I jumped on to that quick. I do still like (Im sorry don't judge me) him a lot but I'm hoping I can get over that. Im really not that naive, im the one that wanted to slap my friend in the face when she started dating someone she met on facebook (which is safer than what i was doing haha). Just.. idk when you feel lonely a lot and someone comes alone and make u feel important, it's a good feeling. No excuses though. anyway, sorry for being so difficult and also an ass to you surfhb. I doubt you're gonna read this thread again but if u do happen to come across this post, I'm sorry about being rude and sarcastic. I was just irritated and your post rubbed me the wrong way even though I'm sure you were just trying to help and I appreciate it. Thanks to you and everyone that made me face reality basically haha. At first I was like "oh these people are just mean" by now I see where y'all are coming from. Hopefully this didn't start me off on the wrong foot if I decide to stick around here haha

[surfhb]

No worries.....I come off brash ( i apologize) because I don't believe in sugar coating like many posts I see on this site. You're 19 so the attitude you have about finding someone is normal.....believe me.

Now if to want to here what dumb, naive and nonsensical REALLY IS you should hear the stories I have