Coping whilst GF loses weight

[DalM0m]

The way somebody looks may be the initial draw but once I get to know them looks are not the most important thing.

My point to you, which you completely missed while you were being so defensive is that although I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that you were doing this from a good / helpful place, the fact that you started the thread by saying that her weight was borderline OK in the begining, really rubbed me the wrong way. That phrase alone sent out all sorts of negative signals. If I'm getting that vibe, can you imagine what she's feeling from you? Weight & looks are very sensative subjects for a lot of women. There are huge pressures from society & it can make even the most well adjusted women a little nutty.

If you really want to help her, great. But if you genuinely love her, the 1st words out of your mouth, ought to be that you don't care what size she is. You love her for her.

If my SO was taking drugs or drinking too much, I'd probably vote with my feet & leave the relationship if the behavior didn't change & was adversely affecting me.

You already said that the order of things was as follows:

1. You met
2. she gained weight
3. In July you told her that you didn't find her attactive any more
4. She told you she wants to lose weight.

Thus, based on your initial post which I read -- she told you she wanted to exercise & lose weight AFTER you essentially told her that she was fat & ugly and the continuation of your relationship was contingent on her changing. You admit that she only half heartedly exercises & that you have to force her to participate in sports. Does that really sound like a woman who wants to do this?

I have a great idea on how she can lose 70kg very quickly but I don't think you will like my suggestion.

[Boisdevie]

But if you genuinely love her, the 1st words out of your mouth, ought to be that you don't care what size she is. You love her for her.

If my SO was taking drugs or drinking too much, I'd probably vote with my feet & leave the relationship if the behavior didn't change & was adversely affecting me.

So if your SO was taking drugs or drinking too much why not, if you love them, stay with them? Even thought it's damaging their health? Tell them you love them for who they are?
Is this just another example of the difference between acceptable taboos and unacceptable taboos? Tell your BF/GF to cut down on drinking and that's OK because you're just thinking about their health but suggest that they should lose weight and you're just a judgemental, shallow git who only sees what's on the surface?

[dem862]

My girl is fat. I like fat women. Maybe she needs someone who likes fat women.

[basilandthyme]

Boisdevie, I don't recall your approximate age - so I can't guess at the age of your girlfriend. Just wondering how old she is and whether or not her metabolism has started to slow.

[Boisdevie]

Boisdevie, I don't recall your approximate age - so I can't guess at the age of your girlfriend. Just wondering how old she is and whether or not her metabolism has started to slow.

She's 48. I honestly think she simply needs to eat less and exercise more.

[searock]

At that age it's normal for metabolism to slow down. This means she needs to eat more healthy (not necessarily less) and exercise even more than before. But I don't think there's anything you can or should do, it needs to come from her. Eating healthy, sleeping more and even just walking instead of driving when it comes to small distances, done on a regular basis, will make her more happy and balanced, and of course healthier and less fat. She needs to realize this and want this by herself - it's not your job to point it out to her. Unless she explicitly asks for your advice on how to get in shape, you shouldn't say anything.

Does she plan on getting a check-up anytime soon? Maybe if she hears it from her doctor she will be more motivated.

Anyway, if she has been eating more than before in the past year (and it's not just that her metabolism is slowing down - I mean if she is actually eating more), there has to be a reason. Maybe she is unsatisfied with something in her life, feeling sad or trapped, or stressed out... there's always a reason if our eating habits change dramatically. Perhaps you can ask her if she feels sad/unsatisfied/stressed/whatever and if you can do something to help, rather than focus on the consequence of her eating more (so if you ask her, make sure not to relate it to her eating habits).

[TablesandChairs]

She's menopausal, of course she's gained weight. Is she obese or merely a few kilos over her ideal weight? Either way, try not to make it personal - saying 'you're fat and i am no longer attracted to you' is harsh, surely you can comprehend that. Nobody is going to react well to those words. Try softening the blow when delivering harsh news or you might find yourself dying alone.

Insist on cooking healthy meals, go out to restaurants that don't serve pizza or junk foods and encourage movement - even walking at a brisk pace is good, she doesn't have to go mental at the gym to see results. My ex became under-weight when we were together; he was on the borderline of being classified anorexic. Did I think that was particularly 'hot'? No. Did I say that? No. Instead, I made sure he drank his nutritional drinks etc and eventually he was back to normal. No shame is having a bit of tact - blurting out everything you think is for children.

[Boisdevie]

She's menopausal, of course she's gained weight.

Not relevant here as she hasn't had periods for years (medical condition, not weight related)

Is she obese or merely a few kilos over her ideal weight?

I'd put her 10kg overweight but don't want to ask

Either way, try not to make it personal - saying 'you're fat and i am no longer attracted to you' is harsh, surely you can comprehend that.

Although I'm a guy even I'm not that stupid. I said nothing for a year whilst she put on weight. But if you're not finding her attractive due to the weight and you don't feel inclined to have sex that's going to eventually end up in a 'why aren't we having sex' kind of discussion. I"ve not called her fat and I've not said I"m not attracted to her. I have said I'm concerned for her health and wellbeing.

[DalM0m]

After age 40 a woman's metobolism changes. It takes 2x the effort it previously did to maintan weight, let alone lose weight.

Although I was previously classified as underweight, I have gained almost 10 kg (20 lbs) since I hit 40. I hate it. I have changed my diet. I have exercised. My stomach just isn't shrinking. I do have awesome arms & legs now and my stamina has improved but nothing I do seems to help. It's upsetting. My clothes don't fit anymore & things look different. I'm trying to learn to accept my new middle aged body but it's not easy.

If my husband did what you are doing -- pull away, think that I'm unattractive etc. I'd be devestated. It would be an emotional betrayal because he promised to love me in good times & bad.

I'm glad to read that you haven't called her fat. You are contradicting yourself about whether you told her your not attracted to her. In the 1st post you wrote that you had said that but now you are saying that you didn't.

If you do genuinely care, what are you doing to make it easier for her? Are you preparing tasty low calorie healthy meals for her? Have you invited her on romantic walks? Maybe if you start with small movement / activities you can gradually build up to more intense exercises. Have you offered to work out with her to make it fun? Especially with a subject like this, positive rewards will be better than negative consequences.

[Wakeup]

After age 40 a woman's metobolism changes. It takes 2x the effort it previously did to maintan weight, let alone lose weight.

Although I was previously classified as underweight, I have gained almost 10 kg (20 lbs) since I hit 40. I hate it. I have changed my diet. I have exercised. My stomach just isn't shrinking. I do have awesome arms & legs now and my stamina has improved but nothing I do seems to help. It's upsetting. My clothes don't fit anymore & things look different. I'm trying to learn to accept my new middle aged body but it's not easy.

If my husband did what you are doing -- pull away, think that I'm unattractive etc. I'd be devestated. It would be an emotional betrayal because he promised to love me in good times & bad.

I think the difference here, between you and Bois's gf is that You are trying (and seeing some positive results) and she isn't trying anything and is continuing to see only negative results because of it.

[DalM0m]

I think the difference here, between you and Bois's gf is that You are trying (and seeing some positive results) and she isn't trying anything and is continuing to see only negative results because of it.

No. The difference is the man I love isn't criticizing me for it.

[Boisdevie]

I think we're getting away from the point. She knows she needs to lose weight and I'm sure she'll lose the weight. But I have to be patient whilst this process happens and since I waited a year before bringing the subject was brought up I've already been very patient. The question is: how do I deal with my feeling of tired/bored/pissed off with being patient?

[Wakeup]

No. The difference is the man I love isn't criticizing me for it.

No the difference is you're trying and she's not and he wants her to try and your husband doesn't mind if you don't.

The question is: how do I deal with my feeling of tired/bored/pissed off with being patient?

Al-Anon? You have 100% control over what you do, Bois. You have zero control over her. Ask her to walk with you everynight because you're concerned for her physical health and the health of your relationship and walking will help the two of you bond while it will help her physically. You can also direct her to weight watchers online. It's up to her whether she wants to do that or not and there isn't anything else you can do but accept or leave.

Hopefully she'll be motivated to do her own changing.

[basilandthyme]

After age 40 a woman's metobolism changes. It takes 2x the effort it previously did to maintan weight, let alone lose weight.

Although I was previously classified as underweight, I have gained almost 10 kg (20 lbs) since I hit 40. I hate it. I have changed my diet. I have exercised. My stomach just isn't shrinking. I do have awesome arms & legs now and my stamina has improved but nothing I do seems to help. It's upsetting. My clothes don't fit anymore & things look different. I'm trying to learn to accept my new middle aged body but it's not easy.

If my husband did what you are doing -- pull away, think that I'm unattractive etc. I'd be devestated. It would be an emotional betrayal because he promised to love me in good times & bad.

I'm glad to read that you haven't called her fat. You are contradicting yourself about whether you told her your not attracted to her. In the 1st post you wrote that you had said that but now you are saying that you didn't.

If you do genuinely care, what are you doing to make it easier for her? Are you preparing tasty low calorie healthy meals for her? Have you invited her on romantic walks? Maybe if you start with small movement / activities you can gradually build up to more intense exercises. Have you offered to work out with her to make it fun? Especially with a subject like this, positive rewards will be better than negative consequences.

I could have written this myself. Always had a healthy BMI, then I hit 40 and it's all going down the tube. I'm now borderline overweight and struggling not to let it get even more out of hand.

Bois, it's not just about energy in and energy out. I eat well and exercise, but I'm still battling with my weight. I did online Weight Watchers as one poster suggested - lost all the weight and put it all straight back on again and more. Yes, I guess I could go teetotal and live on lettuce leaves - but hubby and I do enjoy nice (healthy) food.

My hubby has the same ideas that you have, but what works for him doesn't work for me. Frankly, I know he'd prefer me to be thinner - as would I. However, I've learned that I cannot mention my feelings about my weight to him because he just doesn't get it. If I do mention my weight to him, I just walk away feeling worse about myself.

[basilandthyme]

I think we're getting away from the point. She knows she needs to lose weight and I'm sure she'll lose the weight. But I have to be patient whilst this process happens and since I waited a year before bringing the subject was brought up I've already been very patient. The question is: how do I deal with my feeling of tired/bored/pissed off with being patient?

At the age she is and with the metabolism she now has, this will be an ongoing battle for her. If you really are having this crisis now, I suggest you walk away.