What should I make out of this?

[anonymous_a]

Yes i have read it. Im not talking about the book. The book doesnt highlight the dark side of this at all. It just promotes co-dependency and allowing a man to treat you like crap. Staying with someone who is "fifty shades of f**ked up" in the hope that he will miracioulously change. The whole book is based on infatuation. It doesnt tell you what happens AFTER you marry this man and AFTER you are completely dependant on him in every way.

The book isnt about BDSM at all. Its about women thinking a man like him exists who would actually make you happy which is bull

Well I wouldn't really know the after marriage part, I didn't read the third book lol. Got boring when the kinky stuff calmed down lol. But either way, I think you give yourself way too much credit. You talk like you're some sort of psychiatrist and that you know everything about everything, and the reason why every human being acts the way they do. The world is not black and white, and you seem to think it is. One person says or does something, and you're like "break up with them!!!!" Well sometimes it's just not that easy! You've been with your bf for 5 years without (from how you make it seem) any complications, so I can understand why you are the way you are, but when shit goes wrong, and your world is turned upside down, you're in for a rude awakening. Just saying.

[michelle23]

I only give opinions on things i can back up with research. In no way do i think i am an expert. I give my personal opinion on things and if i dont understand a topic-i will look it up. My relationship has had its few bumps too. I dont tell everyone to break up. I tell people to break up if thats what i would di in their shoes. Not sure what your issue is with me but this thread is about OP-not your petty grudge against an anonymous stranger so byebye

[anonym1]

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm quite uninterested in a discussion as to whether or not it's a mental illness or where it derives from :-)

And to answer the general questions:
No, she's never read 50 Shades of Grey - and yes, I literally mean hardcore S&M.

I'm sure you're right that a lot of it probably comes from childhood issues - but it's no surprise to me that she had a rough childhood. Her dad almost abandoned her at age 6 and her mom often left for business trips (at one point she was gone for 3 months), leaving her to take care of her younger brother.

I've already helped her through a depression, and I admit it was rough on me too. But the medication helped and she ultimately got out of it after a few years.

To clarify we've been together for 4 years and lived together in 3 of them, and I've never had a reason to suspect anything was wrong before. Of course we've had our arguments, but in any other regard I've always felt that we were compatible with each other. I've been happier with this girl than any other before her.

I'm absolutely positive that she does not have any special feelings for this guy - my concern is whether or not she'll be able to let these thoughts go tho, or if one day she'll act on them and actually cheat on me. We're planning on a lifetime together, and I don't believe she can just shut down whatever it is that turns her on about it.

As to why she tries to shrug it off, I think it's a bit too easy to say that she lacks respect for our relationship - I think (or maybe hope) that it's an emotional defence, as she deep down is well aware that she's messed up here. Trying to pretend it's no big deal would be my own attempt at convincing myself we can move on from here.

Not promising that she wont go there again doesn't mean she'll wind up talking to this guy again today or tomorrow, it's a statement that she's unaware if she can suppress the desire to explore that side of her forever (we talked about this specifically, and I generally would rather hear her saying no if she really cannot promise me she wont do it again - in the end I believe it's better to know where I stand, allowing me to make an informed decision on this).

I definitely agree that what she's done is cheating on me on an emotional level, and I'm still dealing with that - but I'm still unsure what to do about it. Right now I think the best choice is to seek counseling and see where that brings us :-)

The wedding is planned for next summer, so for now I'm not stressed about having to make a final decision about this - I have some time to come to terms with it all and decide where to go from here.

Thanks for your replies.

[michelle23]

Its a good idea to seek couples counselling. If she cannot share this side of herself with you or if you have no desire to satisfy her fetish then you should consider walking away as a long term future would be unlikely if you cant compromise on this.