What should I make out of this?

[anonym1]

Hi all

I'm new here, and mainly just here to let some stuff out! :-)

The deal is... A few days ago I borrowed my fiances computer to check a few things, but as it turned on, some messages started ticking in on her Skype - and not just messages from friends, but also these sex-related messages from a random guy...

I was rather shocked about this, and checked the conversation history with this guy... And I was pretty upset with what I saw; they'd been talking for hours about hardcore sex, S&M, pain and pleasure stuff - all of it stuff I never knew she was into. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that she is turned on about this stuff, as it's quite far from my fantasies, but what's really bothering me is that she'd chat with other guys about this, but hide it from me in the same time?!

I talked to her about it later in the evening, and she confessed that she has fantasies about this. Asking her why she'd go on a forum and not talk to me, she said that for one she's embarrassed about it, but also she really can't see me in that way, and doesn't want those fantasies between us, as we're a longterm couple and are planning our future together (currently being quite hung up on our wedding ;-), so she thinks it'll tear us apart. But that reaction freaks me out even more!! I completely understand how she feels about it, but what the heck are we gonna do then? I honestly feel like this is as close to cheating as she could go, without actually doing something about it... I mean, fantasizing and talking about doing stuff with another guy - stuff she has never even mentioned to me?

I'm pretty satisfied with our sexlife and until now I thought she was as well - but now I'm concerned if that's actually the case? She tries to reassure me that she'd never meet the guy, that it's just a darker side to her sexuality which she only ever will (and wants to) keep as a personal fantasy. But if this is some deeper desires in her, how could she surpress them for a lifetime? It worries me greatly that she's already talking to strangers about it - then where is the boundary? Will she meet one and just talk IRL about it, will she at some point get so caught up in these fantasies, that she'll act on them?

I don't know if I have any real questions - I'm just frustrated about this, as she tries to tell me it's no biggie, she really didn't put much into it etc... But it's a heck of a big deal to me, and she seems completely ignorant about that...

I love her deeply, and she loves me - I'm not doubting that for one second. I don't have any reason to think that she ever cheated on me, but I do however worry that she will one day. And even if not, it's killing me just knowing what she's already done - and in her own words, she can't promise me not to do that again, as she doesn't know if at some point she'll be too into it to just let it go - she can only promise to try her best to stay away from forums and chats? Talk about a way to get me worried ;-)

Thanks for listening...

[IslandScorp]

I'm sorry but I would have the same concerns as you do and I consider this cheating as well. In fact, internet flirting and cheating is a major cause in divorces these days. Maybe the both of you should consider counseling BEFORE you tie the knot. Keeping secrets and hiding a "darker side" to a personality is simply not a good basis for an enduring marriage. And it bothers me that she cannot understand how you feel and tries to shrug it off. When people are in love, they're supposed to care about the feelings of their partner. Also, the fact that she can't promise that she won't do it again makes me pretty certain that she will.

[michelle23]

Id leave her if i were you. What shes doing IS cheating IMO and she expects you to just be okay with it.. This is a HUGE red flag. Dont marry this girl

[michelle23]

Ill add: the fact shes shrugging this off and refuses to even acknowledge how you feel tells me there is more to it. This is likely an emotional affair and shes developing feelings for this guy. She prob read that stupid book fifty shades and thinks its all peaches and roses (BDSM). Show her the documentary "fetishes" on netflix and see if she still thinks its a wonderful fantasy. If yes: thats another reason to run a mile if she actually likes the thought of being punished and deeply humiliated. Normally indicates deep rooted issues from childhood.

But if her fantasy is based on that ridiculous book than i highly doubt she would enjoy the reality IRL.

[anonymous_a]

Michelle, I don't know what kind of world you grew up in, but not everything is so black and white. And just because people have fetishes, doesn't mean they had some sort of fcked up childhood, either. I agree that what she is doing is wrong, but your second comment is completely ridiculous. Yes, SOME PEOPLE who have weird fetishes, probably have problems, but there are millions of people out there with problems, who choose to deal with it in their own way.

As far as this situation goes, if you plan on marrying someone, you should be comfortable enough to discuss your fantasies with them. The fact that she had to hide this from you, shows that you two aren't as compatible as you once thought. And the fact that she's shrugging this situation off, shows her lack of respect for your relationship.

[michelle23]

I wasnt saying all people who have a fetish have issues just to be clear. I was just specifically talking about this type of fetish. It usually does mean they have issues from childhood. Watch the doc i recommended and draw your own conclusions

[anonymous_a]

I wasnt saying all people who have a fetish have issues just to be clear. I was just specifically talking about this type of fetish. It usually does mean they have issues from childhood. Watch the doc i recommended and draw your own conclusions

Well I happen to enjoy being spanked, and rough sex, and I also happened to enjoy Fifty Shades, and I don't have any childhood issues lol. I had a pretty fantastic childhood actually.

[anonymous_a]

PS. this thread

http://www.loveforum.net/threads/83507-Would-you-ever-have-sex-for-money?highlight=prostitution

was NOT posted by me. different user names. pay attention.

[Anonymously_]

Michelle is right, sadism and masochism are listed in the DSM as paraphilia; it is a mental illness.

[michelle23]

There is a BIG difference between wanting to be spanked a little and hardcore BDSM. Again watch the documentary.

Would you like someone to put a dog collar round your neck, force you to crawl to the bathroom while they dit on your lap, force you to lick the toilet boll clean with your tongue and then drop the toilet seat on your head?

Or would you like someone using your mouth as an ashthray?

Would you enjoy hitting a guys dick with a stick repeatedly?

You dont know what this fetish really is. And fifty shades romantices it all and makes it look fantastic when its really nothing like that IRL

[anonymous_a]

There is a BIG difference between wanting to be spanked a little and hardcore BDSM. Again watch the documentary.

Would you like someone to put a dog collar round your neck, force you to crawl to the bathroom while they dit on your lap, force you to lick the toilet boll clean with your tongue and then drop the toilet seat on your head?

Or would you like someone using your mouth as an ashthray?

Would you enjoy hitting a guys dick with a stick repeatedly?

You dont know what this fetish really is. And fifty shades romantices it all and makes it look fantastic when its really nothing like that IRL

Have you even read Fifty Shades? Just curious.

[michelle23]

Ill add the whole time all the above is happening, they would be laughing at you, mocking you and completely humiliting you. A fetish is where you cant enjoy other forms of sex-just one-its an obsession and an addiction. People pay to be tortured like this

[anonymous_a]

And no where in his post does he mention hardcore shit like that! Most people who say "hardcore sex, S&M, pain and pleasure stuff" don't realize what they're actually talking about. The shit his gf was talking about is probably along the same lines as the stuff I enjoy. He will need to clarify that, obviously, but most people who "like it rough" don't have a full understanding of what REAL S&M and BDSM actually is.

[michelle23]

Have you even read Fifty Shades? Just curious.

Yes i have read it. Im not talking about the book. The book doesnt highlight the dark side of this at all. It just promotes co-dependency and allowing a man to treat you like crap. Staying with someone who is "fifty shades of f**ked up" in the hope that he will miracioulously change. The whole book is based on infatuation. It doesnt tell you what happens AFTER you marry this man and AFTER you are completely dependant on him in every way.

The book isnt about BDSM at all. Its about women thinking a man like him exists who would actually make you happy which is bull

[michelle23]

And no where in his post does he mention hardcore shit like that! Most people who say "hardcore sex, S&M, pain and pleasure stuff" don't realize what they're actually talking about. The shit his gf was talking about is probably along the same lines as the stuff I enjoy. He will need to clarify that, obviously, but most people who "like it rough" don't have a full understanding of what REAL S&M and BDSM actually is.

Yes and thats why i asked OP is she into REAL BDSM or is this just a stupid fantasy based on the book.you put two and two together and got 10 without understanding what i was talking about.